sex sad shitpost
I spent like an hour prepping and trying to Get There from Butt Stuff and all I got was this lousy shitpost
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.
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t4t venting
disclaimer : none of what i'm about to say here is directed at anybody on this site. just processing some past stuff that's related if anything lol. furthermore, my intention is not to dictate what is & isn't a valid way of being trans, but to relate to you a very certain kind of individual yearning.
so it kinda hit me that the lack of leftists around me eventually got me stuck on this track of, like, expecting potential t4t contacts to at least not make me feel like an alien. boy was i ever a fool like, ok, how can i possibly expect the cissies in my life to understand where i'm coming from, when even the trans individuals i meet are clueless libs as a rule
like, i identify as a transfem enby, basically, which seems to be way too complicated for most folks, trans or not. & ofc on a rational level i understand that people are gonna people. even those who mean well tend to have an extremely limited idea of gender. still, i'd be lying if i said it wasn't outright painful to keep running into siblings who were content to be reinforcing the very things that are designed to hold us down.
i'm trans, first & foremost. all that i am beyond this is more or less directly due to the trauma of having to grow up in, navigate & survive a patriarchal society. i can not & will not forget what created me. i suppose it must have made sense to me that, finally connecting with "my own kind," it would be a common sentiment.
SA
I keep having dreams where people overpower and grope me, but half the time I canโt tell if my brain intends it to be a horny dream or a nightmare
I'M FREE!!! I'M NEVER DOING A SHIFT WITH THIS GUY AGAIN!!!
He's not even bad, a few of my co-workers were talking shit (although idk what rumors were true or not) but HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING. My poor asthmatic lungs still feel it, was coughing up a storm ๐
@EstraDoll@hexbear.net when are all 17 of us getting together for legos today
sadgirl posting
Got on E today, and was told by someone in the community I was getting fucked by my doctor. I was given 2mg estrogen tablets and 5mg fin tablets.
They told me to take 1/2 an e tablet twice, and 1/4 a fin tablet once a day. (2mg estrodoil and 1.25finastride per day total.) Was told in trachat that this was completely useless as it stands.
Still unsure but it feels disheartening to hear. I also meant to come out to my mom tonight but couldn't work up the courage and shes already asleep.
This was supposed to be a fucking landmark day, like the first day of things getting better and I feel like I'm just more behind I fucking hate it. This was supposed to be a good day and its just turned to fucking shit.
I wouldn't want to be cis, but fuck sometimes I wish I wasn't trans.
god damn... that girl in the mirror is getting some curves
need a big button that says "please flirt aggressively. i am very dumb and can't do it back"
There I was, watching a trashy reality TV show when I spotted men with thick, hairy, juicy thighs and suddenly experiencing the desire nay urge to fuck them. Thighs were always a more femme thing for my bi brain, and now they've made the leap to universal hotness signifiers like big ol butts.
My god, what has happened to me
hey someone tell me that they're coming over to my place and want to fuck. my room is a mess and i need motivation to clean it. we don't have to fuck and you don't even have to come over actually
EDIT: i come back to hexbear and there are 5 fucking trans people in my notifications saying that they're coming over to play legos today wtf??
I look into the mirror and I now see a cross between a twink and a butch lesbian so that's exciting
Just got my first set of makeup. Eyeliner, Lipstick, and Concealer. I got too light of a concealer, which is a great start, but I think with the proper foundation I can make it work. Eyeliner tho
On one hand, wearing a tank top makes me feel more femme. On the other hand, it reveals arm hair. On the third hand, women have body hair. On the fourth hand, my arm hair is too dark even after it's been shaved recently.
CW: Reddit-tier bit.
On the fifth hand, where are all these hands coming from!
chronic illness, doctors
went to urgent care today about my current fatigue crash and damn, i wish the nurse practitioner who saw me could be my gp. she validated my chronic fatigue symptoms, she actually suggested it may be me/cfs (!!!), and she told me that the previous gps i saw who wrote off my chronic illness as just depression were wrong and that i should keep advocating for myself. she actually said that i should find a new pcp because my old pcp was not taking my issues seriously. i have never felt so validated from a medical professional before. i honestly want to cry just thinking about it.
Spiro has ruined my ability to sleep through the night. I have to pee every two to three hours, no exceptions.
I've basically accepted that I'm now biphasic and need a siesta to get through the day. ๐
More names from wife, hot off the press
Stalinist Starlet ๐
Trotskyist Tigress ๐คฎ
Just got rejected from a job because of my height ๐ฅฒ
dysphoria
God, I hate being tall Even before my egg cracked I hated it, and now I hate it even more. My life would be so much better if I wasn't tall.
I'm working on fixing up my life, chat. What do we think:
- Switch from American to Chinese cigarettes
That's all I've got right now but I think it's a good start
i can't sit upright for more than a few minutes without feeling like i'm dying
my wife got a callout to go get a corpse at 1am, so I have made some fried rice for when she gets back. shout out to 1am fried rice, it's good shit
extended vent featuring health issues, drugs, dysphoria, negative thoughts, food issues, money.
i'm just so fucking overwhelmed with everything. i'm so sick, so tired, so socially withdrawn and life just won't let up. i just want to feel okay. this isn't like a crisis or anything, i'm gonna survive and things will get better with time but i finally felt like i could get into words all of the shit that i've been trying to cope with.
got covid 2 months ago while my partner and i were travelling home n they were moving to my country. been sick ever since. it's the second time i've picked up a chronic illness from an infection, and the last time it took over a year to feel reasonably back to normal. and i was chronically ill before that. partner ended up worse off than me n going through a very long medication withdrawal. and i've just been struggling to do the bare minimum to survive since then. things got even harder when we ran out of the medication i've been using to treat all the post-covid symptoms i've been having, and cope with stress and pain, and since then i've barely been able to sleep or eat. but also everyone in my community basically depends on me to get food and water since i'm the only one of us able to drive, and it's 20 minutes walk up a mountain from the point i can park the car. a trip out leaves me in bed for the rest of the day.
i'm intersex and it's kinda too convoluted to go into specifics cuz it interacts with a different condition i have but this a) causes me to have to take T in order to be maintain some semblance of physical health and mobility, even tho i get dysphoria from body and facial hair and b) has been causing my usually inert uterus to cramp and shed every day for the past year. i only just realised it had been that long. last time i tried to get help with this a few years ago the doctors were incompetent and actively harmful and i'm not willing to go through that again, nor do i think it would be any different. but now also my hormones nearly ran out and the last 2 orders i tried to make didn't arrive. wondering if i should try another company but i would then have to find one, which my brain doesn't like the sound of, and spend money which is in short supply in order to do that, and i'd have no guarantee it would arrive anyway since it would be a new source. and the money isn't even mine cuz i ran out of that and i can't work. i found one last dose after i thought i ran out and that has apparently helped enough that i feel like i can communicate the stuff that's affecting me and write this out. but it's 4am and i have to go out again tomorrow morning and i don't imagine sleep is on the table.
i haven't been able to work on any of the things i need to that would make life less hard work and more comfortable because i've been so sick. and everything has complications that make it overwhelming to even start, or just flat out impossible cuz of not having enouhg money to do it and as much as i've been trying to not feel mad at myself for this cuz i know i'm sick and disabled and i'm doing my best. but the longer this is going on for the worse i feel about myself. feel like it's getting harder and harder to enjoy things or feel excited about anything or make decisions and i'm getting stuck for hours scrolling until i've read everything and then just idly looking for new stuff that isn't there.
i have been really unable to communicate my needs to other people when it comes to stuff i need help with, cuz they're all struggling and not able to do much either, and asking or talking about myself when there is nothing they can do is only going to make them feel bad, and i just don't feel like i deserve it rn. i'm afraid of inadvertently hurting people by just needing help and not being good enough. so i just carry on like my own needs don't exist, and half the time i'm not even aware of them myself.
i'd really like to order a variety of medication and drug that will help my mental and physical health, and maybe even feel a little bit sometimes, and i have been doing that to a limited extent but there isn't really enough money to do that , and the postal service is so broken it takes weeks for anything to arrive. (i do wanna add here that i'm a disabled and neurospicy mess who needes chemical assistance to survive, but i have a good track record of doing that safely and it actually helping me so pls dw)
and it's just fucked because i know things aren't gonna be this bad forever. my partner is slowly recovering and has been able to do things more. and i don't know what i'd have done without them these past couple months, honestly. anxiety meds will arrive and i'll hopefully be able to eat and sleep. friend's car will be fixed soon which means we will be able to drive all the way home and not have to walk. but i'm just feeling really trapped inside myself and dissociated and i don't know how long it's gonna be until i feel okay again. i've been coping p well, largely had a good mood and mental state, until a couple weeks ago. i wanna feel like myself again.
i think that's probably about it. thank u for reading anyone brave enough to make it this far
drugs
tried adderall for the first time, definitely feeling better now :3
See a cute looking women who is too old for me once, compliment her, then we part ways forever...
if i come out at work, i can use that as an excuse to ignore anyone who calls me a man
i think im out of hormones. delivery keeps getting fucked up. this is about to become a problem.
Are undercuts considered generic now? Are they associated with capitalist sholk like Marvel characters now? Oh no, do I need to change my haircut?!
transphobia is some bullshit. i thought everyone liked pretty girls but so many people seem dead set on stopping me from becoming one? what gives?
guy at the convenience store gave me a MASSIVE eyebrow raise when i bought some booze earlier. it's working :))))
after finally coming back to lemmy and seeing that dredge tank post i checked the comm and theres literally a guy calling me transphobic talking about a comment i made 6 or 7 months ago from a lemmy.ml account i used to use calling someone out for being a weird chaser and being gross towards trans women which the person responded to by saying their partner is a femboy so theyre absolved from all blame
the average lemmy user is literally this:
I keep seeing cute men and thinking they'd look better as women or envies. The thoughts will not stop. I fear this will cause me problems
I'm sorry for being so naive but I was charmed by Tim Walz initially. And his work as governor seemed promising.
So I know that I deserve to be disappointed but it was actually disorienting to see someone who reminds me of my best friends Dad war mongering in regards to Iran .
We just can't have anything nice, can we.
::: spoiler mental health, downer, ramble, reflection Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.
I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?
I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.
I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?
I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.
Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.
I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.
I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.
I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. ๐ฃ๐ฑ๐ฎ ๐๐ท๐ญ
the one american spelling i will concede is estrogen. oestrogen just looks weird
The lady at the Visa office said I look no older than 21 when she saw my age.
idk how much of that was just flattery.
She also called my hair beautiful.
Maybe she was just being nice because she could tell I was trans.
Today is an off-day for lifting, but yesterday's lift did not destroy me. I'm too powerful for that.
Look out motherfuckers...
Really quite annoyed at myself and how many decisions I made to make other people comfortable in the last few years
Every now and again I go back and listen to the โFind a Petโ song from mlp.
Idk why.