I'M FREE!!! I'M NEVER DOING A SHIFT WITH THIS GUY AGAIN!!!

He's not even bad, a few of my co-workers were talking shit (although idk what rumors were true or not) but HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING. My poor asthmatic lungs still feel it, was coughing up a storm 😖

Today is my birthday!

Instead of seeing what today does to me, I'm kinda deciding that it's a good day because it's my birthday and going forward

I have classes all day and idk if anyone knows that it's my birthday but whatever

estrogen patch in the shape of a womb tattoo

omg trains mega

god damn... that girl in the mirror is getting some curves

need a big button that says "please flirt aggressively. i am very dumb and can't do it back"

I have become puppygirl

@EstraDoll@hexbear.net when are all 17 of us getting together for legos today

well, my parents now know that i’m planning to try to get mobility aids (an electric wheelchair if possible). i think they’re adjusting to this new normal of me not being healthy anymore, even though this isn’t new to me. idk maybe it’s just because we aren’t in the same house rn but they actually seem to be taking my health issues seriously this time.

Oh yeah I remember why I hate discord with strangers

Feeling kinda gay this morning (13 WEEK COMBO)

There I was, watching a trashy reality TV show when I spotted men with thick, hairy, juicy thighs and suddenly experiencing the desire nay urge to fuck them. Thighs were always a more femme thing for my bi brain, and now they've made the leap to universal hotness signifiers like big ol butts.

My god, what has happened to me

i can't sit upright for more than a few minutes without feeling like i'm dying

hey someone tell me that they're coming over to my place and want to fuck. my room is a mess and i need motivation to clean it. we don't have to fuck and you don't even have to come over actually

EDIT: i come back to hexbear and there are 5 fucking trans people in my notifications saying that they're coming over to play legos today wtf??

I look into the mirror and I now see a cross between a twink and a butch lesbian so that's exciting

Just got my first set of makeup. Eyeliner, Lipstick, and Concealer. I got too light of a concealer, which is a great start, but I think with the proper foundation I can make it work. Eyeliner tho

More names from wife, hot off the press

Stalinist Starlet 😁

Trotskyist Tigress 🤮

On one hand, wearing a tank top makes me feel more femme. On the other hand, it reveals arm hair. On the third hand, women have body hair. On the fourth hand, my arm hair is too dark even after it's been shaved recently.

CW: Reddit-tier bit.

On the fifth hand, where are all these hands coming from!

Spiro has ruined my ability to sleep through the night. I have to pee every two to three hours, no exceptions.

I've basically accepted that I'm now biphasic and need a siesta to get through the day. 😅

I got my 8 hours of eep, why still eepy? :trans-sad:

Just got rejected from a job because of my height 🥲

dysphoria

God, I hate being tall Even before my egg cracked I hated it, and now I hate it even more. My life would be so much better if I wasn't tall.

I'm working on fixing up my life, chat. What do we think:

1. Switch from American to Chinese cigarettes

That's all I've got right now but I think it's a good start

my wife got a callout to go get a corpse at 1am, so I have made some fried rice for when she gets back. shout out to 1am fried rice, it's good shit

See a cute looking women who is too old for me once, compliment her, then we part ways forever...

if i come out at work, i can use that as an excuse to ignore anyone who calls me a man

guy at the convenience store gave me a MASSIVE eyebrow raise when i bought some booze earlier. it's working :))))

after finally coming back to lemmy and seeing that dredge tank post i checked the comm and theres literally a guy calling me transphobic talking about a comment i made 6 or 7 months ago from a lemmy.ml account i used to use calling someone out for being a weird chaser and being gross towards trans women which the person responded to by saying their partner is a femboy so theyre absolved from all blame

the average lemmy user is literally this:

transphobia is some bullshit. i thought everyone liked pretty girls but so many people seem dead set on stopping me from becoming one? what gives?

i think im out of hormones. delivery keeps getting fucked up. this is about to become a problem.

Just made an appointment to get my ears pierced. This will be my first piercing, and I'm honestly surprised I was against it for as long as I was. Can't wait to be able to wear earrings

::: spoiler mental health, downer, ramble, reflection Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.

I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?

I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.

I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?

I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.

Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.

I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.

I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.

I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

the one american spelling i will concede is estrogen. oestrogen just looks weird

pee

You know, sometimes I just think about how many wild turns life can take you. When I was a kid, I honest to god had no idea where life was going to take me. All of it seemed so mysterious and unimaginable what it would even be like

Today I looked down at my copy of Settlers. Inside of it is a little business card reminding me of my next Planned Parenthood appointment, and I'm off to go get my eyebrows done this afternoon. "A copy of Settlers with an HRT appointment reminder card". God, this really is just how life turns out, huh? My eight year old ass never would have guessed in the slightest

Today is an off-day for lifting, but yesterday's lift did not destroy me. I'm too powerful for that.

Look out motherfuckers...

Really quite annoyed at myself and how many decisions I made to make other people comfortable in the last few years

The lady at the Visa office said I look no older than 21 when she saw my age.
idk how much of that was just flattery.

I got cute new girl clothes today and I'm really happy about that. Including a super soft pink jacket. I'm gonna look so cute for therapy today

I'm so sick of having no motivation not gonna lie