Ask Lemmy

My wife says I’m not allowed.

I don't have kids, but I've dated a few people with kids and my ex-husband had a child. From that perspective, my question is always are you willing to be a step parent? If yes, go for it. If not, stay away. Even if you think it'll be something casual, there's always the possibility feelings will develop beyond that, and having to break up with someone you really love because you don't want to be a parent sucks a lot more than just saying no on the first place.

The other thing to consider is whether the other parent is still around. My ex's first wife suuuucked. They co-parented relatively well considering how their marriage ended, but she was also a hypocritical bigot (born-again christian, shocker), which caused some friction when my stepkid was being taught things like, "we hate this person because they're gay." But like it or not, she was going to be around, so I had to account for that in my decision to get serious with him.

Thankfully, my wife and I were both open to seeing single parents. Now we are married parents with more kids than we started with!

If you mean as a person without kids, I have a tip: YOU SHOULD NOT BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE KID.

That's not too say that you aren't special or important, it's just that the kid(s) are children that rely on their parent to exist. That's a big responsibility, and it needs to be respected. You're a grown ass adult and you can take care of yourself. If you can't deal with your partner not restructuring their whole life around you, then stay away from people with kids.

You don't need to shift your own priorities and make their child your number one, (maybe if things go well in the long term, that will happen on its own) but, if you go out of your way to at least be friends with the kids, or learn a little bit about them, that's going to score a TON of points with the parent.

Married a single parent with a 13 year old. He's 28 now and turned out well. Part of the struggle was getting them out of the environment they were in, they were living with her dad and he was a real piece of work.

Out from under his thumb they both thrived.

You better be ready to adopt a kid, because you pretty much are. My long term partner had a 2 year old when we started dating. I'm pretty much the only stable father they've had for 10 years now. You're not just dating the parent, you're dating the family.

Different strokes for different folks, but for me personally, absolutely not. I'm married anyway but if I were single and looking to date, I would completely avoid people with kids. I just don't enjoy them and wouldn't want them in my life. Plus it would be unfair to the kids!

Honestly, it's made us both more determined to put the work into our relationship. Fourteen years together now and going strong.

I started dating my current girlfriend when her daughter was 3. They just moved in with me over the summer. Her daughter is 6 now.

I'm loving the stepdad life.

For me personally, I would never date someone that had kids. For one, I don't like kids and am childfree by choice, and two, having been the kid of the parent that started dating after their divorce and ended up with an "evil stepmother" figure in my life, I would never want to be such a person in a child's life. I don't care how awesome a step parent you think you'd be, you are infringing upon the relationship between an adult and their biological child, and let me tell you, that 9/10 times, that kid will never like you, whether they state that out loud or keep it to themselves.

Tough one. As has already been mentioned, there has to be a clear line where the kids are involved - that is to say, are you going to be there for them or not?

If it's the latter, that's not an issue. Declaring that from the outset isn't a drama - single parents aren't suddenly robots and enjoy the affection, sex, and friendship too. There's no expectation beyond that and a few hot dates, and if it does start to cross red lines then there's a clear reason to start nosediving it into the sea.

I think leading a parent on though to the point where you're introduced to the kids and become a part of their life, and then drop the bombshell that you're after the casual or physical side of things means your actions have caught more than just the pair of you in the blast, and that just sucks.

Honesty isn't hard, and most of the time it's pretty hot!

e for context: I use "you" in the assumption that you're looking to date a parent - reframe it to your own view :)

I'm looking to date, not be a dad. I'll date a woman with a kid, but it will have to be a casual thing.

Don't like kids, don't want kids, not gonna put up with somebody else's kids. I mean I'm not a dick about it, it's just honest and a good idea to set realistic expectations to prevent potential hurt feelings later. Leaving somebody on is bullshit.

I am okay with it.

As someone with kids, I wouldn't have dated anyone seriously who didn't have kids, and my now-husband says the same. It just isn't likely to work out. Not impossible but in general parents do relate better to other parents, they understand you need time for the kids, and understand that's not all you are, that you are also still a person with adult desires.

So you may get screened out BY the single parent.

Discreet and discrete from the kids hookups? Not the same criteria. Just attraction and compatibility. If it's just spending some time together, that sort of dating, sure. I didn't want those to go anywhere though. Just some relaxation and fun with others who were also in the same mindset. When I was ready to seriously date, those guys actually wanted to, but I didn't think it would work out.

I guess I agree with the consensus here - if you WANT a ready made family because you want to raise kids but not procreate, sure go for it, just wanted to give you the view from the other side.

I don't rule out out but I prefer to not have to deal with kids at all.

Depends on the number of kids and how old. I’ve never had a problem with it.