I'm sorry if this isn't allowed, I just need to vent and get some things off my chest. I'm 34 years old, and I'm about to hit my 1 year mark form coming out. I've been on HRT for almost 4 months now. I just wanted to get my thoughts out and I think it might be helpful for someone.

For so much of my life I've hated existence. I hated looking in the mirror, I constantly felt depressed and angry and anxious at everything and nothing at the same time. I didn't have a social life and my dating experience was (and still is) about as real the Easter bunny. The only thing I had going for me was that I excelled in my job, but only because it was my escape from the rest of my existence.

Than a year ago I had a complete mental breakdown and realized I was trans. I'm not going to lie, it was a complete nightmare at first. On one hand, it made sense and I knew I couldn't deny it, but on the other hand processing it was so hard. I felt lost, like I didn't know who I was, what I was, and mostly I just felt alone. I had friends I tried to talk about this stuff with, but I could never convey what I was going through because it's not something that they could even understand. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate.

I think there are 2 experiences every trans person has. What it's like to look in a mirror, and what it's like trying to describe that feeling to someone else.

But things got better. After a lot of introspection about who I am as a person I've been able to accept that I'm trans. It still feels weird to say and think about, but every day it gets easier. For the first time I'm happy with myself, and I feel like I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be. I'm excited for changes and I can't wait to see who I continue to become.

But it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I'm in the USA, and that kind of says everything. I'm also proud of my job, but I'm afraid that if I came out I would be fired. I work for a company in a red state, and my job title is "Principal Network Engineer". I'm afraid that if I came out I would lose so much respect at my job. I could deal with getting fired for screwing up or doing something stupid, but because I'm trans would kill me.

It's been a long crazy year, and I'm exhausted. This past year I've been forced to face myself in a way most people never could. I've pushed myself to change who I am almost completely. I've gone from a place of stability and simplicity to a harder existence that forces me to evolve and change almost non-stop and at a break-neck speed. Despite how afraid I am, how hard things get, it's completely worth it. I know that I couldn't not be trans, but even if I could somehow wave a wand and not be trans, I don't think I would. I'm proud of what I've had to face and how far I've come, and that fight means something to me. This past year, not only did I learn that I'm trans, but that I'm strong enough to be trans, and no matter how bad things are or will get, at least for now I'm still standing.