"Nearly every social event I have attended with [communists] has inevitably had some conversation about linux, furry culture, obscure leftist history, tabletop games, or other equally nerdy subjects"
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#traacha:transfem.dev
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
::: spoiler dysphoria, suicide My brothers went to the liquor store without me, my cousins are all friends and have excluded me and my siblings, I want to be launched into the sun, and I don't think anyone would care if I disappeared. My presence has no impact.
Shit weekend. I wasted it. Nobody sees me. God fucking dammit. I want to disappear
I feel more and more like I can only do self-care by shutting everyone out and deciding that I don't care anymore. And that's a hard thing to face, because I feel really let down. I was supposed to communicate perfectly in order to get help, and I couldn't, so no wonder I'm where I'm at. It stinks.
I don't like having violent thoughts. I don't know where to put this shit. I could scream at everyone. I could break something. If this is all a lie let me just blow it the fuck up and start over without any pretense of having somebody
Like I have been dead fucking alone with my thoughts for half a decade. I could rip my hair out but it's probably gonna fall out on its own. Then I'll look even more like a guy. What a strapping ~~young~~ man.
Obviously I'm stupid for expecting someone to notice an abrupt and obvious change in my behaviors. Obviously I expect too much from people. Which tells me that I, once again, have let everyone down. Like, this shit never ends! I don't understand the distinction between having zero expectations from others and just not caring. I'm getting really close to not caring what happens. It sucks.
I just wanna disappear and transition and never have to deal with these people again. It's not even that they aren't accepting,they just don't see me regardless and I feel invisible. I just want a new life with people who I don't have to wonder if they care or not. Like I am so sick of all of it and nobody caring. Am I a psychopath for being sad and hoping that someone notices. Am I really just supposed to say "hey can we talk . uh uh I'm SAD!" like a toddler. What the fuck am I supposed to do