The demon now in human form as an anonymous member of a Fortune 500 company said it likes what the Harris Campaign has to offer.

"For a hu-mon I think she'll be a competent manager of the blood soaked empire that continues to ruin the world and subjugate the global south. Unlike DRUMPF who's in it for himself".

It commented to The Times.

"Durr hurr" Carlos Mencia belted out to the crowd that largely groaned. "It's 2024 and he's still making in fun of people with mental disabilities" said Dan Bongos of Los Vegas, "this s*it is old and not funny".

"The new puppet 'soy boy' or whatever was weird and creepy" remarked Caitlin Degeogeo of Reno, "it's like supposed to make in fun of people who vote for Biden, I think, but also call them gay? It was very weird like I said and made no sense."

The duo ended their premiere show with an urge for the audience to vote Republican in November or else "the republic will fall".

Neither Mencia nor Dunham have responded to our emails to clarify.

The fascist weirdo's heart broke when he asked Trump to comment on the recent censorship of Sonja Blade in Mortal Kombat 12.

"What the fuck is that? Some stupid video game shit? Anyway, I got treated very rudely, very badly by the media, more and more people are saying it, they've never seen anything like it."

He went on, crushing the young fascist man who lives in garbage's hopes of a Trump commentary on video game SJW censorship.

He went on to yell obscenities at his opponent JD Vance while calling him a "cracker" and shockingly didn't condemn Hamas. "More like, HAM ASS, BOOM GOTTEM!" he yelled out to a shocked crowd of 65 year old retirees.

The Arena Shooter called "Burden" will utilize Mr. Tricker's patented DNA technology to ensure the racial purity of players. In it players will insert their penis into the controller which will take a DNA sample and prove they are white and get an encrypted key to play.

Anti-racist groups have already taken to X (formerly twitter) to denounce the project. One user named "Ann_Tifa" said he's already reverse engineering the dick scanner to allow any race to play.

"My cat Tinkerbell. Well she's mean. I'd come home from work and she'd slap the hell out of me. Slap, slap, slap, I was like a punching bag, so I fought back. I constructed some swords out of cardboard and I went to town spanking her bum. I spanked her so much into submission she stopped. And I thought, what if this was a game, complete with cats that slap you sometimes?"

As many have feared, western commitment to the brave Ukrainian cause has faltered in recent months, despite massive gains on the front, with the breakthrough in Kurx twice around the earth and halfway to Ladsock on its third run. And even major western publications like CNN and the WSJ have been pumping out suspiciously pro-russian defeatist articles. But what could possibly behind this sinister movement targeted at the very integrity of American knowledge itself?

We bring you now to Larry Pullman of the New York Times, a writer from eastern Europe who recently mysteriously joined the publication, stating his intention to ‘destabilize the west from in—uh, I mean, combat Russian propaganda.’ As we enter his office, he calmly closes a webpage in Cyrillic with three colors that mean… something that we’ve forgotten plastered over it.

Pullman greets us enthusiastically as we question him about the insignia portraying bears and framed Zs over his wall, to which he replies that he’s simply into symmetrically truncated sigma symbols and a wildlife guy. He invites us down and pours us each a glass of vodka while removing his ushanka, explaining the intricacies of his craft in a thick accent we can’t quite place.

“You see, these insidious Russians have been sending cybernetic hordes over the internet to hack our websites and replace our articles with Russian propaganda straight for the Kremlin. And worse, patriotic Americans may fall for this! We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

We voice our agreement and he continues with proposed measures.

"As we all know, Pullman says, “the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it and ignore it, hoping it goes away. And that is just what we should do here—cyber propaganda is obviously the greatest threat to American democracy. We should transfer the entire defense budget to developing new methods of encryption. Actually, we should throw our entire budget at that. It’s a really good idea!”

Pullman continues with why patriotic Americans might be fooled by this propaganda. “The truth is, many have been brainwashed by Russian bots on twitter. The only way out of this is by engaging them in patriotic reeducation, and sending them to the front in Ukraine, which will surely awake their love for freedom.”

We thank him for his input and leave to petition his suggestions to the DoD as Pullman puts on a fake mustache and glasses while sneaking deviously into the AP office nextdoor.

BEIRUT - The Shura Council of Lebanese paramilitary organization Hezbollah has selected Jeb Bush to succeed Hassan Nasrallah as its Secretary-General, Lebanese state media reports.

Nasrallah, who led the organization for 32 years, was assassinated in an Israeli airstrike on the party headquarters in Beirut on Friday.

The selection of Bush, an American émigré, was a surprise to onlookers who had considered Deputy Secretary-General Naim Qassem and Executive Council chairman Hashem Safieddine as favorites to take the position. However, the decision by the Shura Council, which counts both Qassem and Safieddine as members, was reportedly unanimous.

In recognition of Bush's newly elevated status, the party will be rebranding itself as "Jebzbollah," senior members told the Lebanese National News Agency.

Mr. Bush will inherit an increasingly volatile situation along the nation's southern border with Israel as the latter has escalated attacks in recent days.

In 2016 Alejandro Cruz picked a nasty nose goblin and to his utter shock and amazement found it to look exactly like the blessed virgin Mary from the bible. He passed in 2022 and now the Vatican is looking to make him an official saint.

"We looked at the data, at the hard evidence of that slimy little monster, and, sure enough, it was the blessed virgin herself looking back at us." said senior Vatican official Dominick Penwin.

He revealed on stream it's short for Charismatic Hunks Uphold Discipline. And 10% of the profits will go directly to anti-circumcision advocacy group "cocks and rocks".

poot

The X CEO is surprisingly not in hot water for going gaga over a tweet praising fascist dictator Adolf Hitler.

"I mean, who can be surprised, the dude's from South Africa." Said local man Dan Bongos of Newark.

"It's actually kind of refreshing, in a sick way, to see him so open about being a racist. We all knew he was so he just admits it." remarked Kimberly DiGigogo of Brooklyn.

In the damning leak Mr. Peterson for 2 years romantically texted back and forth with famous Youtuber Jessica "Ariel" Goldeen known for her Little Mermaid cosplay. In on exchange Peterson weepingly leaves a tearful voicemail while drunk talking about how he's losing his sanity to the feminine dragon of chaos.

The duo famously wanted by the FBI for domestic terrorism against an informant have fled to Russia only to be welcomed with open arms by Putin.

"This is an alarming turn of events" says senior fellow with the National Endowment for Democracy Mikhail Klobb, "these two terrorists know secrets about the government that only a true murderous psychopath could know." Klobb told Hexbear 3 News reporter SorosFootSoldier.

The ape shocked caretakers at the San Diego Zoo by signing it wanted to play Digimon on the PSP. When staff told Jesus they only have it on PS1 he shocked them even more by saying "get it on psp, I'm a mobile gamer".

While meeting with CEO Nobuyuki Ishii Trump referred to him as "Jimmy Skip" and asked him if he had any "big boy toys" via translator. When Ishii showed Trump the new X-6,000 series tractor he hopped aboard and started making engine noises while yelling at press "this is what I'd love to do to you, you bastards, just grind you up!"

He left shortly after and headed back home to Florida for a golf tournament.

Reports published late Monday evening describe how the pathogen rapidly colonises the bumbum hole and the weewee tubes causing the victim to lose bowel and bladder control.

Early developments show photos and videos of Hezbollah fighters literally shidding and pissing and it's totally true.

Peepee-poopooitis is not known to be fatal, however it can cause extreme dehydration and cope. Especially virulent forms can result in terminal shitposteroma, a dangerous type of cancer that affects the posting glands.

"You stupid dingus, you bloody moron" could be heard from an irate Joe Biden Monday afternoon at the Diary Queen in Rehoboth Beach, DE. "I bet you kiss your uh your daddy on the lips with that mouth, huh, you stupid slut", he said to the store's manager Dan Bongos. The president dresses down workers at the counter over him mistakenly thinking they were Hunter trying to take his ice cream away from him.

"Oh you bastard, you'll uh pay, pay me, 50 pushups for fifty bucks, hot ass, I'll kiss your ass!" he screamed back while being escorted out by Secret Service agents.

A chorus of disgruntled Biden’s speaking over one another after the notorious son of Joe Biden suggested his father try crack cocaine which is a class A drug and can lead to a maximum term of 25 years prison if caught in possession. Hunter has been known to have been addicted to the schedule 2 drug during Biden’s two term as VEEP under Obama’s administration. At a private dinner in 2013, the former president had allegedly “warned” Biden that his son’s actions should be dealt with “swiftly”, and that the president had advised his daughters to block Hunter’s phone number after he had sent them multiple “suggestive” texts on separate occasions. Hunter is also allegedly responsible for the Biden’s family dog attacking several secret service members after he was seen blowing a cloud of smoke into the dog’s face before the dog unleashed fury sending one of the agents to an urgent care requiring six stitches.

Hunter who has an eye on younger members of the Biden family cannot be present during certain arrangements unless it is a televised press conference. These are just many of the sickening accusations and what some would say is just “the tip of the iceberg” in terms of his catalogue of misdeeds the son has committed.

So when the now allegedly sober fail son suggested the 84 year old president smoke a class A drug before a debate, the fury from the Biden’s had unleashed upon him. Hunter responded swiftly saying, “dad, detox isn’t bad and you will get the best rehabilitation, just please think about it.” Biden who was mostly absent during the gathering was allegedly “on board” with Hunter’s toxic plan and had asked the safest way to ingest the drug. “Boof it” Hunter replied and the chaos resumed with Jill screaming “he already has a prolapsed anus!” and then leaving the table with a half glass full of red and taking the bottle with her. “That’s my ma, everybody” Hunter jokingly remarked in a thick Bostonian accent to which Joe slapped his hand down on the table and said “don’t speak to the mother of your kids like that” having misspoken or possibly forgetting who his wife is in the moment, it happens.

During the meeting Hunter also kept mentioning he held “the best parties” but was doing so in an attempt to woo over some of the minors who were present at the meeting.

Project lead professor Cummings conceived the idea after watching an episode of prequel show Young Sheldon where brilliant mind Elon Musk had acquired a copy of Sheldon’s notes which the show alludes to being the reason Musk’s company Space X exists. “It (Cooper A.I. can help us reach the stars” Cummings insisted on Joe Rogan’s podcast exclusive to streaming service Spotify

"The Summer Of Love" is the newest title by renowned sociologist Arthur Beaver. In it Beaver argues that sex was a by-product of MK Ultra experiments on Ted Kaczynski.

THE HAGUE - Princess Peach has been released from the ICC Detention Center after the Mushroom Kingdom had the case against the embattled ruler dismissed.

Some say the recent war amounted to genocide, as a band of "heroes" sent by the Mushroom Kingdom caused the deaths of millions of innocent Koopas.

Critics of Princess Peach say she has given unchecked powers and abilities to these individuals. They warn that this has given them free reign to illegally invade the perceived enemies of the Mushroom Kingdom.

A hearing following this decision will occur at the UN Headquarters in New Donk City in December.

Image credit: Lavells-Enterprise

"People think I'm working very hard to earn my money but it couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, I'm pulling on my little pudder all day long, just whacking it to the nastiest scat porn mankind has ever produced." He wrote.

"I don't care if I die, come and get me, like I gave a flying f**k" he wrote on X (formally twitter) before leading California State Troopers on a 2 hour car chase which ended with him barricading himself in an adult bookstore.