Asklemmy

Yeah its pretty much manifesting in me as a deep dark depression and apathy of everything.

None of it matters except for the fleeting few moments that you and others around you are alive to be experiencing it. The equivalent of a blink of an eye in time and space terms.

Doesn't matter if you loved your wife or cheated on her, doesn't matter if you took your career seriously or embezzled money from them, doesn't even really matter if you hit a mini van full of kids, in a way.

Obviously I'm not a sick fuck I love people and children and I wouldn't ever hurt them or condone that but I'm saying in terms of millions of years of times it doesn't actually matter what we do. Even if they grew into old age what comes after that?

Of course them living their lives to the fullest is important I'm just saying that in the same way a troop of monkeys from 50 thousand years ago took out another troop and wiped them out. Doesn't actually matter anymore does it?

Its a losing game and the score doesn't really matter. Our existence doesnt really matter. Just focus on stuff you like and have to do and stay out of a prison cell so what few moments you do get aren't spent locked up like an animal.

Some people have the concept of god to comfort them and I sure wish I could lie to myself to believe that but the logical part of my mind won't ever accept it.

Yes, it really does. It makes me want to do things. If I wasn't tracking that some percent of my natural lifespan is gone now, I might be inclined to just hang out and do whatever, like when I was a kid.

I actually still do want to leave some kind of legacy, although who knows how much of one is realistic. It just seems like a reasonable goal, when there actually are no defined goals. There's a moral dimension to that, too; if the world is just ever so slightly better because of me, that's good.

(Since I'm about to concede morality is not actually very strong, I should make a note that an individual person still can follow a moral system. You tend to pick a worldview that allows you to do what you want, though, and most people, who aren't fixated on minutiae, will juggle a few)

Failing that, seizing the day, and learning or experiencing everything I can is important.

I don’t consider myself depressed but after seeing and reading what humans do to other humans I don’t trust the better angels of our nature can make the world a better place.

The interesting thing about history is that it demonstrates very starkly that humans have no firm morality, but it's also ended (as in, so far) with a couple hundred years of actual progress. Clearly, we don't have to actually be good, or at least naturally be good, for good outcomes to happen.

Don't take that the wrong way, it still all could go terribly. But, it's more complicated than just "we build what we are".

I was misdiagnosed with a terminal disease and the biggest thing that got me was how petty people's problems and squabbles and concerns really are. Like when people throw a fit because they couldn't order the exact thing they wanted or whatever. Just get a grip, calm down, it doesn't matter at all. There are people in the room with you who won't be here in a few months and you look like the biggest toddler of all time to them.

What you're describing sounds like positive nihilism. Nihilism need not be a bad thing. At least as I understand it:

One can say, "all life is pointless, nothing matters, why do anything?" - negative nihilism

Another can say, "all life is pointless, nothing matters, why NOT do anything?" - positive nihilism

I would say positive nihilism describes my personal philosophy to an extent. I tell people that I don't so much feel the universe is pointless, but a complete absurdity. The universe is mad, so embrace the madness! Mostly this just involves building less of a fear of judgment. What could you ever do that is sillier than the very world around you?

"Insignificance" is subjective. Your life may not have an impact on the foundations of reality but that’s the same for anyone even if they were combined.

The point of life is to make your own meaning. Form connections, be happy with yourself, etc.

One of the cruelest things the ruling class has done is take away our childish sense of wonderment. Claw that back as much as you can. Also, you’ll make a huge difference if you can encourage anyone else to keep theirs.

If you have a job and hobbies, you're not a loser. You're an average person. The nature of a pyramid shaped economy requires a lot more people at the bottom than the top. You're literally doing what you're supposed to do.

It's weird but I started fearing death this year. I had some sort of significant mental health issues and at some point I was making quite a few suicidal gestures, but I didn't feel like I was close to any attempts.

In my many attempts to treat my mental health, I had a therapist encourage me to try listening to podcasts to cope with something in particular.

So I found one and actually enjoyed it. It was on Taoism. Well...a lot of Taoism deals with death in a way...like understanding that we are born from the earth and that we will return to it. I found out some time into listening that wise and thoughtful host of the podcast had died maybe 5-10 year ago.

Something snapped in me and I started in an outright panic from that point on, fearing death. I couldn't listen to the podcast anymore. I was going to die. I don't want to die. I would walk around public places wondering how everyone was just walking around knowing they were going to die. Why aren't we all trying to solve this as a collective?? Why don't people care that they are going to die????

And that fear and panic seems to have stayed with me. Thankfully it's not as all pervasive, but it's still there.

For some unknown reason, even with that fear, I have since learned to ride a motorcycle. I think about the chance of death sometimes when I ride it. It's higher now.

And at this time, I don't feel like I've "wasted" my life per se. But I'm finding that I want to do something else with it. But I just don't know what.

So that's where I'm at now. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do in life considering the fact that I will die.

I don't know what to do, quite frankly.

So realizing that I will die absolutely did change my perspective on life. I'm just not sure where to take it.

I don't think what you talk about is depression per se. It sucks that we are gonna die. And I'm not interested in making a legacy either. I won't be here to enjoy it.

But I wouldn't call your life lazy necessarily either. The true Taoist enjoys life for what it is. You don't need to be the best or the hardest worker to enjoy the world, nor should you necessarily be.

Idk I'm sorry that this is so long and rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Taoism is an interesting philosophy (iirc it's also a religion, but I'm more interested in the philosophy) that may help you or it may do nothing. But idk it talks about stuff like that I guess.

Have a rant, it might help you feel less alone, IDK.

I'm pretty young, in my 20s. For me, COVID hit like a brick, both socially and physically, so I was pretty mortified about everything that was happening. It was probably psychosis, looking back, but I had this fiery intense fear of death. Anything that could kill me was avoided, and I holed into my bedroom in my parents' house. I have always been scared of being harmed or dying, but this was just different (nowadays I'm medicated for OCD...).

Eventually I developed long COVID, and that certainly didn't help. I think becoming disabled from that, though, was the biggest catalyst for how I think today, by a long shot; I'm not exactly chilling, per se, but I've a better grip on my mortality. It kind of kicked me into gear, especially thinking about how I took my able body for granted.

Anyways, to answer your question, yeah, mostly. My disability can be summed up by, "damn that took every drop of piss outta me permanently", so since I'm unable to really go out and do much, I came to see every day as an opportunity to either learn or do good. Hell, if nothing else, I've got the time, everyone does. Turns out, I really like learning; it is pretty much the only thing that prevents me from excessively thinking about my bodily situation, death, or the cruelty of humanity. Being a really well-informed monkey feels good. I also learned that it feels really, really fucking good to do kind things for other people. Being kind rules. I just can't explain how good it feels to help and do good. That's genuinely my motivation to live; by the way, when folks say to "make the world a better place", that's what they mean! Something as seemingly insignificant as telling a cashier, "Thank you!", is part of that!

I don't think you have to be some prolific artist or anything to have a meaningful life. You're cosmically insignificant, yes, but I find that line of thinking a tad childish (of course, no offense, just in nature). Your insignificance goes away entirely when you help others have a better experience, no matter the impact. A very small portion of humans alive today will 'leave their mark' in a way that is noticed by 'a lot' of people, and achieving that really shouldn't be seen as necessary as it is right now. Your sole goal on this trip around the sun, IMHO, is to find enjoyment and happiness. Have fun, your personal life is literally what you make of it.

If your own personal circumstance feels okay, you're doing all you need to. A loser is someone who sucks to be around, who drags others' down with them- that does not seem like you. You seem to be living an average life right now, and that's okay! Something to consider is that community will make you feel a million times better on a day-to-day basis.

(P.S. I don't think this is 'capital D' depression, but I think your current line of thinking is an easy path towards it. 'Least that's how I see it.)

It used to stress me out but there's a million ways to die and plenty of ways to die at any given second. I just try to be a good person and be better than I used to be. I don't want to chase joy causing me to miss things that can make me happy in the moment.

Not really. I try not to think about the eventual end, I think about what'll happen before the end comes. Think about it, in our lifetimes we've seen the advant of AI, self driving cars, computers in our pockets, the other side of the moon. Who knows what we'll see tomorrow? Something as amazing as a hover car or something is trivial as a new indie movie. But even if it's a new movie, that'll be something no one has ever seen before. I like to think that even though the end will eventually come, we'll at least see something that made our journey to the end at least interesting.

Do you take an antidepressant? When i did, i had a feeling of insignificance - being an ant, one of a bajillion beings who have lived or will live on earth and whose death will mean nothing once my immediate circle is also dead. I wasn't sad about that, just very matter of fact. Here today, gone tomorrow, no biggie. In 120 years the earth will be all new people.

Better enjoy it as much as we can while we are here.

The quiet boring times are often the best ones. Fill those times doing something you enjoy.

I cannot remember a time before I understood that I was mortal, so nothing has changed for me as I continue to understand that I will die.

Yeah everyone gets that way sometimes. It's part of not being a kid any more. There's a whole branch of philosophy called existentialism around it, not that I know anything about philosophy. Anyway, the feeling passes (or else, it can be treated). You have to decide what's meaningful to you and go with that, even though it's not meaningful to the cosmos.