Asklemmy

Have a rant, it might help you feel less alone, IDK.

I'm pretty young, in my 20s. For me, COVID hit like a brick, both socially and physically, so I was pretty mortified about everything that was happening. It was probably psychosis, looking back, but I had this fiery intense fear of death. Anything that could kill me was avoided, and I holed into my bedroom in my parents' house. I have always been scared of being harmed or dying, but this was just different (nowadays I'm medicated for OCD...).

Eventually I developed long COVID, and that certainly didn't help. I think becoming disabled from that, though, was the biggest catalyst for how I think today, by a long shot; I'm not exactly chilling, per se, but I've a better grip on my mortality. It kind of kicked me into gear, especially thinking about how I took my able body for granted.

Anyways, to answer your question, yeah, mostly. My disability can be summed up by, "damn that took every drop of piss outta me permanently", so since I'm unable to really go out and do much, I came to see every day as an opportunity to either learn or do good. Hell, if nothing else, I've got the time, everyone does. Turns out, I really like learning; it is pretty much the only thing that prevents me from excessively thinking about my bodily situation, death, or the cruelty of humanity. Being a really well-informed monkey feels good. I also learned that it feels really, really fucking good to do kind things for other people. Being kind rules. I just can't explain how good it feels to help and do good. That's genuinely my motivation to live; by the way, when folks say to "make the world a better place", that's what they mean! Something as seemingly insignificant as telling a cashier, "Thank you!", is part of that!

I don't think you have to be some prolific artist or anything to have a meaningful life. You're cosmically insignificant, yes, but I find that line of thinking a tad childish (of course, no offense, just in nature). Your insignificance goes away entirely when you help others have a better experience, no matter the impact. A very small portion of humans alive today will 'leave their mark' in a way that is noticed by 'a lot' of people, and achieving that really shouldn't be seen as necessary as it is right now. Your sole goal on this trip around the sun, IMHO, is to find enjoyment and happiness. Have fun, your personal life is literally what you make of it.

If your own personal circumstance feels okay, you're doing all you need to. A loser is someone who sucks to be around, who drags others' down with them- that does not seem like you. You seem to be living an average life right now, and that's okay! Something to consider is that community will make you feel a million times better on a day-to-day basis.

(P.S. I don't think this is 'capital D' depression, but I think your current line of thinking is an easy path towards it. 'Least that's how I see it.)