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Fellas, this proves we're not the only dumb ones when it comes to noticing someone is into us.
Yea he's into you. Either that or he's trying to get into your pants really quickly. Up to you to figure that out, whether he just wants to fuck or if he wants an actual nice relationship.
And whether she actually likes him.
I can’t stop thinking about him.
Her thinking this is one thing but saying it is fully different. She's into him too for sure.
I can't stop thinking about my neighbour, but that's because she's the most obnoxious woman I've ever met.
Presuming they're both ~19, I'm going with potentially <-> likely uh, all of the above, + completely terrified.
First loves are... pretty confusing.
This beyond showing interest. You may be unaware but you are dating. You went on a movie date. You're going on a fishing date on Sunday. That's dating, we've just forgotten what that is as like a society.
Hard to be sure he's interested without an app. /s
Sounds like you're dating already.
He's nuts about you.
I am a former 19 year old man. Trust me.
Yeah, I don't really understand all these people talking about how it's unusual. When I was a teenager and I liked a girl, I'd do everything I could to impress her.
"Oh, you said in passing you like this candy? I'll get you a whole box! Oh, you reminisced about having a furby? I scoured every thrift store in the area to find this one for you! You want to buy this thing? Let me do it! I can do it!"
It's definitely way too much, to the point where it's probably creepy, but that's just how the teenage brain works. They understand enough to know how to show you care, but they don't understand enough to know that too much of a good thing can be bad.
When I was a teenager and I liked a girl, I'd do everything I could to impress her.
I can't even count the number of bands I was suddenly "into" because the woman I was interested in at the time mentioned them in passing. 😂
It's not that it's unusual, it's just that similar behavior is also an abusive tactic called love bombing. Imo, I think the kid is just being a bit awkward, but that doesn't mean this behavior isn't a problem. Like you said, it's (probably) just teenagers being teenagers, but I don't see anything wrong with pointing out how this can be a problem.
Like most situations, the best thing OP and friend can do is have a candid conversation about how they're feeling towards one another and figure out what they're both looking to get out of a relationship. Having been 19 myself, I doubt that conversation will happen in a way that is "correct", but at the very least she now knows that love bombing is a thing and that it's important to think about your own safety, wants, and needs
Yes, he likes you.
I would be cautious, this sort of behavior is unusual, even for someone who likes you. The reason behind it is up for interpretation. In the most generous interpretation, he doesn't know how to act either and is attempting to hint that he likes you. In the most uncharitable interpretation, he is attempting to lovebomb someone who doesn't have the experience to recognize the red flag.
Either way, I would approach with caution, because you don't need to be malicious in order to be abusive. That is to say, abuse very rarely occur because someone is actively trying to manipulate you. Typically, it occurs because someone has an unrealistic expectation of how relationships work in practice, and this expectation biases their actions and judgment (funnily enough, Obsession is about this exact theme).
What this means is that inexperienced people are typically more likely to be abusive just by sheer virtue of not understanding what a relationship is like. I don't want to be overly negative - I want to be clear that it's possible that he's just also inexperienced and that he is wise enough to learn quickly.
If you want to interpret his actions charitably and if you want to give him a chance, then I would highly recommend you have a good conversation at the very beginning about your (and his) expectations of a relationship, both in the short term (ie, what do you expect the other person to do in x/y situation? Is there anything that the other person may do or may stop doing that would cause you to feel upset?) and in the long term (ie, do you have compatible life goals? Do you expect that you will have a long distance relationship at some point in the future? Would you be OK with that?). Don't be scared to talk about uncomfortable or shameful subjects - it's better to get these questions sorted now than to sort them out later, when shit has already hit the fan.
And, also be aware that because both of you are likely to be inexperienced, both of your expectations are almost certainly going to change over time, and so it will be a good idea to build a habit of checking in once in a while to see if those expectations have changed
One final but irrelevant advice: hold off on sexual intimacy. It's important to build a relationship around life habits rather than just sex. That, and people will typically be guarded when in a new relationship. It typically takes about 1 year of close contact before someone starts to lower their guard, and 2 years before someone fully shows who they are (this also happens to be why most relationships last 2 years). I guarantee, the worst thing you can ever do in a relationship is to have sexual contact with someone who turns it to be crazy. It's going to be hard to hold off, I get it. Been there, done that. But it's vitally important for the overall health of the relationship to not have sexual intimacy for at minimum 6 months, and ideally at least longer than a year
@imnotpainter@lemmy.world ^This is a solid and comprehensive reply, and I agree with all.
In regards to the last part, I think sexual intimacy can be okay at an earlier stage, as long as you ensure clear and honest communication beforehand about expectations and comfort zones. But as mentioned, considering the inexperience, caution is your friend. Do not rush; you have time.
Another advice is to be inquisitive: Ask him directly what his intentions are, and why he's infatuated with you. Perhaps also ask your friend's boyfriend about him, and have him tell his 5 cents both about this guy as a potential partner, but also as a person. It might come to light things like him being on the spectrum: Even seemingly socially adept people can be on the spectrum, and it only shows when they're in unfamiliar/stressful situations. This could explain his behavior as someone who just don't know how to show his affection, and (desperately) attempts actions he knows make people happy, like gifts.
I say this as someone who qualifies as a socially adept person on the spectrum, and I recognize this behavior.
No sex for at least 6 months to a year?! My god, let the kids live a little. As long as everyone is on the same page with expectations and practices safe sex, there's nothing wrong with having sex much earlier in a relationship.
Jesuchristo, a year?
I would never advise that. It's fine to enjoy sex. Some guys are more into chasing and just want a challenge, lose interest once you fuck - I don't want a guy who likes chasing, I want a guy who likes sex with me. I don't want the first time to be the best time either. That long buildup then a letdown is too big a risk to gamble a year on.
I'm old now but still would say a physical relationship is a shallower level than an emotional relationship, and having sex soon into any relationship has worked better to find a good match and, well, at least got me plenty of sex.
Not advising the OP here (She may not even want a physical relationship at all) - just responding to the idea that it's better to wait. In my life I have never found it better to wait.
This is overall very good advice. But I'm going to push back on the stuff about sex. I'm asexual, but I've done kinky stuff with a lot of people who turned out to be abusive garbage, and even a Nazi girl. And I don't regret any of the sexy stuff. I regret the bad relationships and being abused. I regret the love, but not the lust. The best sexual experience I've ever had was with an enby who destroyed Me for months and left trauma that lasted years. The relationship was not worth it. But gods above, that one night was...
If you're gonna fall in love with crazy, you might as well stick your dick in it!
Lots of people taking about red flags and shit.
Just talk to him. Be honest with what you feel and ask what he's thinking and where he sees your friendship/relationship/feeling going.
Don't listen to people online who have no idea about your specific situation.
This
Honest Communication and having boundaries defined in your head. When you guys come up to one of your boundaries then have a conversation.
But remember, "No" is a complete sentence. No explanations are necessary.
As a 30M European, I'd say red flag. Committing like this on a first "date" is kind of unusual. Buying tickets, snacks, and books while - derived from context - meeting for the first time.
I'd look out and watch closely, don't let shiny things blind you, and enjoy the moments.
Yeah it seems like this guy obviously likes OP but I'd watch out he isn't love bombing. Not saying it's what he's doing but I'd be wary if I were in OP's position.
I just realized that I did this to my girlfriend in high school!
It's pretty clear. Everything fits. I just don't know what to do about it now.
I mean, we've been married for 33 years. Do we need to break up? The kids are grown and out of the house at this point, but I think they'd still be upset.
Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up?
But in all seriousness, being generous and effusive with a prospective partner is not an issue in itself. The problem is when it's used to manipulate someone into being "hooked" on you then go on to abuse that person. That's why multiple people here are saying to be wary, we're not saying to write him off outright.
I feel like this part of the link above is relevant here:
Excessive attention and affection does not constitute love bombing if there is no intent or pattern of further abuse.
The key to understanding how love bombing differs from romantic courtship is to look at what happens next, after two people are officially a couple.
Surely if you've been happily married for 33 years, what you did back then wasn't actually love bombing, right?
You must compensate by acting a cheapskate curmudgeon the next six months. You may inform your family this is part of your rehabilitation.
A lot of good advice in this thread for some very thoughtful people. OP I want you to practice setting some boundaries with this guy even if you like him and continue seeing him.
Tell him no about things sometimes. Like “no, I can buy that myself”. Make sure he respects your wishes about minor things and has even, level-headed emotionally mature reactions to your boundaries.
if he is not wealthy then yeah he is into you.
hes spending money on someone else.
Aint no way hes wealthy.
Yes this is called showing interest.
Courtship, even
I wonder if your friends told him it was a blind date without telling you about it.
I love it and i can't stop thinking about him
That's the point.
Holy fuck this thread. It's amazing half of you have ever dated.
Yes he likes you. Holy fuck the screeches about red flags from nerds 🤣, seems to want impress you.
Remember this was movie + snacks + dinner + 3 books + drive home. That's 100€ at the low end, most likely 150-200 from a kid with no job. All for something that wasn't even a date. Call us whatever you want for finding it unusual, but yes, it is unusual.
We're just advising her to be cautious, not advising her to call the whole thing off. What's so wrong with that?
He likes you. Maybe wise to slow him down a bit and see how reacts on that. My 18 year old daughter had a thing with a boy who overwhelmed her with gifts and paying for everything. It made her feel a bit uncomfortable and when she told him he plaued the guilt card. She ended up dumping him.
So he basically started dating you out of the blue without telling you and it's working? Well it's admittedly super funny to read but potentially a bit weird, especially buying you so much stuff. Regardless of how you handle it, yeah they like you.
Obviously yes.
Even if this was an actual date, paying for the movie, dinner and gifts would be a bit much. It's like he's trying to be your sugar daddy.
Yes.
Indeed he is trying to impress you, and spending his money may be a goofy way of telling you how he feels without the need to speak.
He may not know how to word things gracefully, keep in mind that it could be stressful for him as well.
Maybe at some point telling him that you can buy your own things, and that it is not the reason why you're spending time with him, could lead to a more constructive discussion... If you're not afraid to have it, that is
Without a doubt, this guy is totally into you.
