(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)
Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man
this post was submitted on 10 Jun 2026
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One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:
"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"
"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"
".... I don't know?"
"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies
Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says "blank-ass blank" I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say "that's a big-ass ball" I'll ask them "what's an ass-ball? And why is it big?"
It's something a friend of mine used to reply when people would say "Jesus fucking Christ!"
He'd immediately reply "That's impossible!"
Homer Simpson thinking to himself:
"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."
"$20 can buy many peanuts."
"Explain how."
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.
My favorite Homer quote has always been
"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
"Supplise!"
Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
"SUPPLISE!"
30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.
Every time I read the word "supplies", like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.
Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.
This was used to great effect in UHF with Weird Al.
This reminds me of the classic:
"We're sinking! We're sinking!"
"Zis is ze German Coastguard. Vat are you sinking about?"
So hiding like that would make him a Secret Asian Man? (That misheard song lyric is one that I can't forget.)
A student turned in his test with a $100 stapled to it, with a note “$100 = 100 points = A.” He got the test back with $50 stapled to it and a note “$50 = 50 points = F”
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
Whenever anyone says "you can't really tell" I'll immediately hear "especially when I twirl them like this". Because lines from finding nemo will be stuck in there forever.
There was a terrible standup bit that I loved. I believe it was from An Evening at the Improv.
Guy is doing a bad private eye shtick: "Either this man was stabbed to death with a spoon, or his entire body is breaking out in little smiles."
I have searched online for the clip for literally over a decade, and I know this because I searched once a few years ago and found... myself asking the exact same question on a forum a decade earlier.
How the turn tables.
-micheal scott
Spongebob: Patrick, your genius is showing!
Patrick: [Covers crotch] Huh, where?!
From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):
Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here!
"Penalty!" "Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!"
"I guess that's why she didn't move around too much."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Edit: I'm also fond of:
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered six-offender
I always have one joke at the ready, it was a quip between party members in dragon age 2:
"An elf and a dwarf walk into a bar, the elf looks at the dwarf and says 'you're lucky you're so short, that hurt like hell!"
Anyone: "guess what"
Me: "chicken butt"
The chicken crossed the road for butt.
When you're right, you're right, and when you're right.......you're right
Sounds like John Candy.
And you? You’re right!
"I always wanted a briefcase that attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright." - A "joke" from Mitch Hedberg.
An escalator is never broken. It just becomes stairs.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
"I used to do drugs...
I still do, but I used to too"
Mine is: "Ah ha, ah ha, the letter two my friend." (SNL celebrity jeopardy)
What do you call a bra stretched across a doorway?
Tap for punchline
A booby trap.
You're excited? FEEL THESE NIPPLES
“What killed the dinosaurs?
THE ICE AGE!”
That joke kicks ice
Now the ICE age is rounding up and killing immigrants!
“Here’s a guy who when he puts on his glasses he can see better!”
I know that's a John Madden impression, but who was the impressionist? Was that Frank Caliendo?
Brian Regan I believe.
I was remembering Frank Caliendo saying it, but apparently it's a real quote from Madden:
Nope you’re right, it was Frank. I looked it up. I got my comics mixed up lol.
No I'm... doesn't
So many. One in particular counts to mind right now.
Walking home at 4 am with a friend when he breaks the silence with:
“You know, sometimes people think I’m strange, but then I just look at them weird.”
Then proceeded to silently walk until I had time to process what he had just said.
It really struck a chord with me at the time and I guess forever. i laughed a lot. Like the silent ribs hurting laughter. I still think about it every now and then and chuckle.