Ask Lemmy

I think it's going to be different for each kid but teaching how to be self reliant was a pretty big one for both building confidence and being willing to try and fail at things, face your fears, etc. Don't know what a word means? Look it up. Not sure how to cook something? Check the recipe. Bored? Go to the library or park, etc. learning how to figure things out for yourself in a safe, stable environment seems to make a big difference.

Willingness to be the parent you needed growing up, but also be able to really reflect on the job you're doing, and make sure you're not somehow projecting your own bullshit on to your relationship with your child.

Willingness to give yourself some grace when you can't always be the parent you wish you could be, but along with accepting that you're only human, accepting accountability and acknowledging when things go wrong.

Be willing to apologize to your child/acknowledge when you mess up, and remember that they learn how to resolves conflict and handle the mistakes they make by watching how you handle yours. If you were in the wrong, don't just convince yourself that you get a pass for being human/being the "adult" in charge. Talk to your child about what happened.

I also feel like it's very important in general not to try to hide reality from kids. You have to have the difficult conversations, and not just the birds and the bees. (That's actually the easier side of the "difficult to talk about" spectrum).

You need to talk to your kids when people they love get sick, when people lose their jobs and are under stress, when money is tight. There are certainly different ways you have to handle explaining situations to a kid vs an adult, but it's such a terrible idea to just plaster on a smile, sweep things under a rug to buy yourself time, and pretend everything is ok when your kid can clearly tell something is wrong.

When you refuse to communicate anything about what's really going on, you leave people (both adults and kids) with no choice but to come up with their own explanations. Often kids just default to blaming themselves, and your attempt to protect/shield them from reality only ends up doing more harm.

I think with the attitude you describe you are 90% of the way there. What I find hard is walking that line between being the best friend/mentor and the authority figure. You can't be everything all the time. I think some flexibility and context in your role is a good way to manage this. I'm the authority figure when we get ready for preschool and the best friend when we are playing and goofing around. Its hard to get him to accept decisions sometimes without wanting to debate every little thing, but I think this is part of being a mentor.

My son trusts me. Even when he is angry at me, even when, Ive had to give consequences, my son trusts me.

How did this happen? I apologize for my mistakes and back it up with changed behavior, and Ive never hit him. He is his own person, and I am his safe person. This also means he sometimes will take his anger out on me. I dont take anything he says personally, because he is just a kid, expierencing emotions he doesnt yet know how to regulate. So, not taking his comments personally.

and we laugh, as much as possible.

There's no secret formula but patience, empathy, consistency in discipline, fairness, love, being available, and participation in their lives are a good start.

though the concept of adoption differs between the West and the Arab world

very curious about that. how does it differ?

I think probably the biggest thing my parents did with me and by siblings, was humble themselves in front of us. They never tried to maintain infallibility or some illusion of omnipotence. I've seen some parents try to fight tooth and nail to maintain that well into their kids adulthood, and far beyond the point the kid has come to know better.

If our parents lost their temper, or made a mistake that affected us in some way, they'd apologize. To us. And that goes as far back as I remember. No privately apologizing to themselves because we wouldn't remember anyway. But to us.

One of my core memories, is an argument I had with my mother, about how I needed her to be kinder with her choice of words sometimes. She was saying that I can't let every word people say to me affect me like that, to which I made the point that I don't. That the only reason I was asking, is because she's my mother. And that what she says goes straight into my heart, and even when I know she doesn't mean it, I literally can't stop it.

It took her about ten seconds of silence to process that point, after which she apologized and promised to try.

That's not to say we were raised the "free range" style. Our parents were strict, but they didn't try to make their authority out to be absolute on matters where it wasn't. Instead, we obeyed because of the simple fact that they had wisdom and experience we didn't. And they in turn openly acknowledged that that didn't mean that we had zero. As we grew up, they'd go our of their way to let us defer to our own judgements more and more on more and more matters. Mistakes and all.

A good parent produces a self-sufficient and well-adjusted adult with compassion and decency.

There are numerous paths to reach that end but the most important thing is to model the right behaviors.

Empathy and availability are great. Listen to them, respect their struggles growing up. I don't think that necessarily means being strict/authoritative or lenient, for me it means more feeling respected as a person. And a sane, straightforward way to deal with mistakes. Because we all make mistakes. Especially while learning and growing up.

And I'd say shared memories are awesome. Whatever that means for you. Go on a Canoe trip, teach them how to fix their bike, do woodworks, drill a hole into the wall or bake a cake.

Parenting from a view of a living example, children are quite smart if we tell them something and they see the parent doing the opposite thing, they will disregard what you say. pay attention to what you do near children not what you tell them necessarily.

Children are not stupid like the movies or shows depict.

Be supportive and openminded, even if their interests or choices might be a little unconventional. Establish clear rules and boundaries, but try to give them as much freedom as they can handle. Life with you doesn't have to be a party 24/7, but make sure they always feel safe and loved.

You put their interest first. Whatever that may be.

The main job of a parent is to produce experiences of safe disappointments for their children.

Show limits, show love. Make an effort to be interested in whatever is interesting to them. And then make a bit more effort in that, yet.

Be open and curious, don't make stuff complicated, even if it seems to be complicated to you. Take challenges step by step. Don't treat people differently for who they are. Show them vulnerability and how to come back from being hurt.

You always teach by example so if you can show them an open mind, they will learn that the world doesn't generally harm you.

It's true that life sometimes will, but the only way to live life to its fullest also includes getting hurt and being sad and finding the trust to get back out there anyway to do that thing you need to do.

People are defined by the people around them. Make sure they have a good group of friends. Friends they can depend on, friends they learn from and vise versa and most importantly friends with morality that make the right choices in life.

Emotional openness, vulnerability, and availability to listen in return. Genuine expression of emotion. Then just try to limit forwarding the trauma of previous generations.

Not being insane and not trying psychological games on your children.

A parent who is able to give their children to tools they need to succeed and whose children feel safe to be honest and come to them for support.

Mine never learned that...

A good kid. I say that in jest, but it is the one thing that might make you feel like a good parent.

Honestly. Given how the world goes, the only thing that can make someone a great parent, in my book, is not having kids. Just bringing a baby into this world is putting your wants before your (not yet existing) child's wellbeing, which is not something greats parents would do.

the main sources of child abuse stem from the nuclear family, patriarchy and white supremacy. sociologists and anarchists call this intersectional system of domination childism.

as adults we should all start with abolishing parental rights and not treating children like property.

once children have the freedom to choose their parental figures, abuse will go way down.

in other words, we need to apply the lessons from the feminist movement of emancipating women to emancipating children.

it's no coincidence that in old timey rhetoric women were called children, because being associated with a child means you become a slave to your husband.