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π³οΈββ§οΈ Transmasculine Pride Ring π³οΈββ§οΈ
I have not seen past season 1 of this show yet, but I'm loving it so far! This guy has been one of my favorites but he's been absent for like 6 or something episodes lately 
miscellaneous plot commentary for where I'm at in the show
what the FUCK is Mollari up to this dude is bordering on ordering literal genocide??
what is Delenn transing into?? a guy maybe???? 
where the HELL is Sinclair I want him back. His replacement kinds sucks lmao
Garibaldi might be the straightest man alive and I mean that in the most derogatory way imaginable
I wish this show was gayer
I fucking love the technomages so goddamn much oh my god. They're soooooo goofy and I need more of them. I was close to dedicating this mega to my love for that one episode where they're introduced
Anyway this show is fun and cool and good but could be gayer and transer 
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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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spoiler
Ngl I'm afraid I'll spend my years being the potential woman.
They'll call me 007
0 days presenting femme in public
0 effort made in transitioning
7 sessions of crying per day
Always "if I'll start thinking of myself as a woman" and "when I'll lose weight".
Present femme in private at home then
Well I do that already ... kinda. Idk how much being naked or in underwear counts. But I wear some dresses, sometimes!
Unfortunately at some point u just gotta do it, "ill totally do it when/if..." inevitably just turns into more delays (unless its currently unsafe to do so and "when" is when its safe to). I 100% get the anxiety and other executive function problems, especially w something so big, but still, sooner or later
I wanna get hand tattoos but I'm worried it would make me like unemployable or something
Little update again: I got my first thesis fully done! One last thesis and then I can graduate and move on to grad school. I got a super good funding offer too.
Also finally got my name and gender changed! Took 2 fucking delays but it happened! They did mispell my middle name somehow (twice! They mispelled it on the first delay too) but at this point I don't fucking care enough to bother fixing it.
Also still being very gay with my knight π
sex
Was talking with friends at work and sex came up and reminded me all of the sudden that I'm still a virgin and never been desired. I feel disgusting and unwanted and ugly and it's probably going to get even worse when I'm out because I'm putting myself into a niche category of people who would even be interested in me
And it sucks too because I feel like it's such a male-coded thing to be distressed about one's virginity so I feel erotically inapplicable and dysphoric all at one π
This is so real 100%. Same exact thing for me even down to putting myself into a tiny little box :/ fml. I am NOT looking forward to being forever alone. I hate this. I just want to have someone.
me 
you
general discontent with the state of our lives
spoiler
"Look at me, Im Sandra Dee, bursting with virginity. Won't go to bed til Im legally wed! Not me, Im Sandra Dee." Insecurity about virginity is a thing for everyone. Women have to deal with the madonna-whore thing on top of it.
You actually dont know if you've been desired or not - because that lives in someone else's head. You're using being virginal as a proxy for that which is a bad choice because I imagine you haven't been in a lot of situations where you're free use, free love, everyone's at the social situation to fuck. Instead, you've had to deal with the flirting thing, finding someone, feeling safe enough to be intimate emotionally with someone.
You're also not a porn category so maybe drop the "putting yourself in a niche category" thinking. You're a whole person.
@sodium_nitride@hexbear.net thank you for the grammar lesson in the last mega btw! I've been putting off responding to it until I've been able to absorb and understand it but that hasn't happened yet :/
... oh.
Yeah.
gets shy and flustered
I'm glad you thought it was interesting ...
You can take your time ...
There's gotta be like, more to transitioning than downloading transfemme memes.
transmisogyny, anti-transmasculinity
you know, I might struggle with being accepted in the "community" as someone who is transmasc, non-binary, both lesbian and gay, and also a futch / twink (controversial identities in an of themselves) but for some reason π this identity is somehow less controversial than just being a trans woman who is also a lesbian, compounded by multiple marginalized identities.
I am reminded of the article which said that anti-transmasculinity it is actually a trojan horse for transmisogyny. While it is concerning that radfems occasionally target transmasc lesbians or he/him lesbians, I feel that it's really just a hidden attack for trans women. And making transmascs or other tme non-binary people out to be the main victims in all of this (and therefore worthy of being named while trans women are left out) doesn't sit right with me.
Bit worried my T might not be fully suppressed or maybe this is normal
genitals
Wake up sometimes with a semi and feeling horny... Not as bad as before hrt but I don't understand. They were definitely completely gone I don't know why they're (half) back.
Taking 4mg EEn weekly
It took a while for me to stop getting that, and it was a little gradual. Maybe a year? And definitely by 18 months I noticed I stopped having them at all but probably even sooner
Oh really? I guess that's good then, I feel like this didn't happen at first but its good to know it could still fade away.
I also get this and my testosterone is in the female range, for what it's worth.
Happens to me too. I'm doing the same regimen. Had a blood test before and T was pretty low on my through, just an hour before injection. You're probably fine.
Okay good, I thought I might be worrying about nothing but I don't have access to blood tests yet.
Turns out it's only a high of 75 today with raina waina in the afternoon. My decision to delay getting an AC unit continues to be rewarded π
I did wear an outfit I think I like a lot but waiting for opinions from work friends today before I get too big for my britches
Had a weird transition milestone tonight. (mild NSFW)
I was in the bar of one of the most expensive hotels in my city, waiting for a work event. I had a phenomenal fit on, cute dress, knee high boots, etc. I thought I was coding corporate alt lesbian, but I think I might have been giving off dominatrix/sex worker.
A very well dressed but somewhat slovenly older man in his 50s or 60s approached me, complimented my boots, started hitting on me and he asked me if I was alone and wanted to join his party. I politely declined because I have my work thing (and work in the morning, it's Thursday).
I think he was a sugar daddy chaser and I missed a chance to get free cocaine, my dick sucked and/or murdered. Wow???
Mark Hamill's 
was pretty fucking good I won't lie and obvs I would have wanted more in the English dubs of the series but something second best would have been continuing the legacy of dubs making people with osakan accents sound like southern hicks. Thing with Majima is he doesn't normally talk like that it's an over exaggerated bit he's been doing and is even called out by saejima for it in 4 so hearing funny eye patch man speaking like foghorn leghorn would have been great.
Before anyone corrects me on his accent know this man lives and dies for his bits so carrying a fake accent is so on point for him and second I feel it his way of carrying on for saejima his brother. Saejima didn't exist until 4 so 1 2 3 were just building up to something, kiwami 1 I will give it props for putting hints of saejima in there
Gender Unto Caesar
A few irl people have told me I can message them if I need anything or if I'm not doing well or whatever and I have only taken people up on this offer a couple of times and idrk if I will again. I don't feel like they are actually up for dealing with me at my worst.
Which is really the time I want someone the most, but it's so useless. When I'm feeling all hopeless and miserable and suicidal and dysphoric and hating everything I really don't feel like there's a consistent way to pull me out of that. Why would I even message them it's so depressing.
No prizes for guessing how I've been doing
Tap for spoiler
Yeah I get that. Feeling like you're a burden on the mental health of others. That saying "sorrow shared is sorrow halved" doesn't feel like it's actually true when you're chronically depressed.
spoiler talking about suicide
whatever I've talked about this to fucking death but I may as well post my current thoughts.spoiler
So like, I'm rarely suicidal in the way of like, I have a gun to my head and need to be talked down. Its just the mundane, extreme suffering and the only way to end it. Its the natural conclusion of a thoroughly miserable and joyless life. I have no hope of being happy with my body and stuff for myself personally, or of being comfortable interacting with others, or how I feel I am percieved, or really just any of it. It is the only way to escape. An inevitability.
And like, thinking about the people irl, does anyone want a text like this. "I'm so constantly miserable I am going to kill myself. It is inescapable and there's nothing either of us can do. I have to suffer a little longer before I put a bullet in my head". Like no that's insane. And like again, what's it even going to do.
Fuck me man. Why'd my life have to be this.
self harm, kinda bad
Keep getting urges and wanting to relapse. I don't know why I haven't actually done it again. It feels so good. I can feel it. I want blood. oh my god its always so good. It would feel so right in this mood. I'm safe tonight and don't really know when/if I'll go back but fuckk.
I am trans and gay.
Update on a new era of having emotions:
Iβm learning a lot about moss and how it retains moisture and what the different shades mean for its health and how it feels when it dries out. For now my only way to wet it is to dunk it in floodwaters. Thereβs probably better ways to do it, but those will take time to build. Through trial and error I have a rough idea of how long to let it soak, how long to let it drip after, and how long to go between wettings. Thereβs still a lot to learn about how factors in my life affect it, but as Iβve put together the basics of a healthy environment for it, Iβve seen it start to grow. Iβm not going to try to anticipate what it will grow into.
Yay!!!
Kind of crazy I'm already at the point with electrolysis where I need to pause a while to check for regrowth. Will miss seeing my electrologist for a bit 
I guess arm hair clears better than face.
Femininity, surgical scar, reflecting
One thing I have been very apprehensive about is the future scar on the graft site (forearm). There's nothing unfeminine about having any kind of scar, but of course that doesn't stop the brainworms.
I've been doing a lot of reading and looking at examples of healed arms, but I keep running into an issue. These are pics of trans masc people healing - understandably not feminine lol. My image of a healed graft site has been a bit distorted because of that.
The good news is that started to change over the last month. An unexpected benefit of electrolysis this go around has been seeing my own arm become red and bumpy for the rest of the day. I'm still able to see my arm as feminine in that state, which is a good sign! It'll be much more intense in the future, but at least I'm starting to feel a bit better about it.
I have a lot of blotchy scars on my arms due to not taking proper protective measures to prevent weld spatter from hitting my skin, and then I wouldnβt let it heal due to bad habits, regardless of people warning me. Nowadays I recontextualize it as a form of self harm, a side effect of my apathetic nature back then.
Eventually I may get tattoos to cover those spots up, replacing it with art
That's a great idea. I've actually seen some really cool sleeves that totally transform the scarred graft site after healing. If I were into more into getting tattoos I would definitely consider it.
Do you have any ideas of what art you'd like?
Stop using convection to warm yourself you are not food!!!! We should be using radiant heating like sunlight, hydronic systems and fire, big Duct wants us all to truly be cooked don't fall for this π
i do like to think of myself as a snacc tho π
Careful might take a little bite 
Orchi recovery is going really well!! I can't wait for everything to fully heal up, but already feeling really good about the change
cooked in my nightgown earlier today. Now it smells like food and I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing 
I bought boxer panties and some gender neutral to femme accessories and clothing, but nothing too blatantly GIRL. I can just say I thought they were just men's underwear and it'll be fine. I wanted to buy this cute goth dress that's cheap, a skirt, some thigh high's and feminine pants but I'll leave that for next time.
I had lunch with an old friend of mine a while ago, we did university together in the early 2010s. Its the first he'd seen me since I started HRT. Fucker ordered my lunch wtf, dude. Don't order for me. Affirming misogyny???
Ewphoria
I need someone who will do this for me
That's cause youre a sub not cause youre a woman!
Problem here is she didn't ask for it, he just did it
Yea I understand, and I understand how messed up and gross it was for him to do.
Not my best comment ever
It's still ok to want that though