Autism

16 years and their reason is 'autism'? Thought they'd have picked up on it sooner... Communicating and understanding is critical. Hard when you don't speak the same internal language. Many things are left unsaid even when synergy is high. People can be bad at explaining themselves and sometimes don't even understand their own feelings and thoughts; requires some investigation and testing.

If they aren't interested in making it work then that's that. But if they are, then you need to work on it together. Figure out what the problems are and how you can mitigate them, or if you even want to. Relationships can take effort and intention, and aren't always comfortable in the moment.

But I'm a spectacular failure in the love department, so what do I know anyways.

Have ADHD. Most relationships ended similarly. Early on I didn’t realize the impact of my disability and how it affected my relationships. They didn’t either, I suppose until the honeymoon phase wore off. My spontaneity, “quirkiness”, complete inability to follow any kind of routine, frequent burnout and poor coping mechanisms accelerated their demise.

Now I am much more aware of my limits and issues and I communicate them. I communicate more in general. My spouse also being an extroverted introvert with limited social energy is a large factor. I don’t have to exhaust myself by masking as much. We enjoy quiet activities and share similar hobbies and/or the same ones. But we also have things neither of us are into but we’ll hang out and do them separately.

It sounds to me like you were making a genuine effort and they were tired of compromising. For your relationship to last almost two decades is saying quite a bit. Perhaps you just haven’t found someone similar enough. But I also think your spouse is largely to blame from what sounds like giving up. Did you try counseling and or were they open to it?

God, I just went though that.

Married since 2009, divorced last year, in part because I got an autism diagnosis a couple years ago.

very long story show, she pushed her abuse and control up to 11, and now, I'm objectively in the worst spot in my life. but also the happiest.

Feel free to DM me if you're interested in knowing more.

I have ADHD, maybe mild autism too, but don't want that tested. I'm also a millennial. I never got married because I never found someone that loved me enough to deal with what I thought at the time were quircks.

I have a handful of really close friends but a huge amount of awuaintances. My random nature and disassociation never allowed me to make enough of a connection to get married, despite dating a lot. On top of that, most gfs said I acted more like an older brother than a serious SO.

That being said, it's only been recently that I've realized I have it. My mother was asked multiple times to get me tested, and refused. She thought that if I got tested "they" would put me on drugs and I "wouldn't be myself". In reality, she didn't want to have the "weird" kid. So I had to grow up not knowing or understanding what was wrong with me.

I had so many relationships that would have been perfect if I had known. Even knowing what the issue was, would have helped, let alone therapy and medicine. As a middle aged man that's only now coming to understand this stuff, I have no hope of finding a quality partner at this age. I feel all the good ones are taken and that's that.

I'm sorry that you current situation has got to that point.

I'm probably on the autism spectrum and my wife has ADHA - this can make for some interesting home life with our two kids (one is probably undiagnosed ADHD, and the other has generalized anxiety).

I guess I don't have any real advise, just know that there are people out there that will listen to you if you need to vent.

Hell, that feels really familiar. I burned out at work, my AuDHD has been getting worse, and I came out as enby, and then my partners of 20 years decided they didn't want to live with me anymore...

Sounds like they stopped caring about the relationship and autism is just the excuse.

Unless there are significant changes to your ability to cope post marriage that are affecting them you are the same person as you always where when they decide to marry you.

This is not your fault, your partner should be there to support you, not drop you when they no longer feel like it.

Hey there. Halte die Ohren steif. You'll pull through. I found my autism late so I'm an expert in masking, also have a 'normal' life. There's also a world more to it all.

And yeah, I'm also German. So it might be fun to interact. Ping me if you like.

I'm really sorry, that's a crazy long time for someone to decide you're too hard to be around after.

I've noticed I tend to naturally filter out the kind of people who think dating me is "Gumping it", so if I could share anything that you don't already know from 16 years of marriage it's just show your crazy early. And don't be with people who aren't also just at least a little neurospicy.

Also my ex went through a divorce before we got together and she always regretted not advocating for herself. Her husband left her with nothing despite being a high earner and also absorbing some of her own lesser income. Divorce settlement (depending on where you live) is supposed to leave you with finances that don't put you in a vacuum of precarity from losing your spouse. If you aren't able to advocate for that you should seek a legal advisor who can.