this post was submitted on 19 Mar 2026
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Autism
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16 years and their reason is 'autism'? Thought they'd have picked up on it sooner... Communicating and understanding is critical. Hard when you don't speak the same internal language. Many things are left unsaid even when synergy is high. People can be bad at explaining themselves and sometimes don't even understand their own feelings and thoughts; requires some investigation and testing.
If they aren't interested in making it work then that's that. But if they are, then you need to work on it together. Figure out what the problems are and how you can mitigate them, or if you even want to. Relationships can take effort and intention, and aren't always comfortable in the moment.
But I'm a spectacular failure in the love department, so what do I know anyways.
Yes, that my autism is holding them back and it’s not fair to them. Which is very depressing to spend all those years burning myself out just to fail. Autism was always known since we first met.
Not sure what do I even do with that? Autism is always something that that affects me, no matter how tired I get I can’t leave it. It feels like saying I don’t deserve anyone in my life because of being disabled. But there is truth I can’t keep up like most people are able to.
I guess we both thought I could keep up when we were younger. It ends up in cycles where I really push myself to try and mask, go out more and attempt to small talk, go to loud concerts, etc. Then it burns me out and I really have no energy left without a break if that makes sense.
That is a very unkind thing for somebody to say to you and it's not okay. You deserve somebody who will appreciate you for who you are and not resent you for who you're not. Somebody who will see your effort and thank you for trying, lean on your strengths and make up for your weaknesses. Somebody who will treat you with kindness all the time, not just during the good times. Your struggles are valid and not a weapon to be wielded against you.
I also had an ex who said she was leaving because of my autism. It really hurt to hear, and I don't think I'll ever forget that pain. So I just want you to hear that you're great the way you are. I'm sorry that somebody you care about said that to you, and I know how much that hurts even if you know deep down that they're wrong. And they are wrong. The truth is they held themselves back, but want to blame it all on you. They agreed to care for you as a whole, not just part of you. They don't get to blame you for changing their mind.
It's good to push on the boundary of your comfort-zone, expand your horizons, and sometimes even do things you wouldn't normally want to but do anyways because they're important to someone you care about...
But this doesn't sound like that. This doesn't sound like a healthy exertion and growth, but more like you being dragged around by an extrovert. You shouldn't have to "keep up."
There's a good chance that your lifestyles are simply incompatible, and that that dimension is one they values highly... But it's just really weird and unfortunate that it took 16 years to come to that conclusion. I mean, I guess there are married people who hate eachother their whole lives so I guess it's not that abnormal... But damn that sucks.
sounds like you spent you whole life masking, trying to fit in, and the place where you should have been safe to be yourself (your own home) you weren't safe to be yourself.
you now get to figure out who you are.
I've been though something extremely similar. what worked for me (after the divorce) was not masking and finding groups where being on a spectrum was the norm (local mutual aids/ leftist action groups), I don't just have "friends", I have a whole tight knit community whom I love and adore, Gotten myself into a poly thingy, and while I'm still dealing with a life of divorce bullshit (and ICE), I have never in my life have been in a better mental space.