Putting other people up to random 'tests' that they don't know about, that seems like a bad system. Though your specific example about kids is clearly an important thing to be worried about.
this post was submitted on 02 Mar 2026
-8 points (36.7% liked)
Ask Lemmy
38235 readers
1885 users here now
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Disclaimer: I’m in my early 20s and have had 1 relationship that ended last year, lasting about 2 or 3 years and she was the one who asked me out
100% agree, I feel like you could make a case for fishing out red flags like if your partner will respect you on a first date or more extreme cases safety (feel like that’s cause for no second date tho) like maybe yeah. But tests, no. Bigger no if it’s in an established relationship as it shows there’s a huge amount of distrust
I am super burnt out rn from my day so I hope there’s a coherent thought in there somewhere
"What are you looking for in a relationship/partner" and "how do you feel about having children" are, like, the top two questions people (should) want to know on a first date. Framing them as "tests" rather than "basic stuff the people need to naturally agree on for a relationship to work" is rather gross.
I'd add general lifestyle/attitude towards money and saving, and political engagement in the "may get arrested for civil disobedience for a cause" sense.
I'm not sure either of those are first date material. 3rd or 4th sure, but 1st is just like "Are you a complete asshole or not, do we share any interests"
Fair. Different cultures, expectations, personal communication styles, degrees of bluntness.
Not a test, but a marker of character.
How do they treat "the help"? Do they greet the waitress? Do they tip? How they treat other people indicates how they will treat you.
This girl was just trying to be my friend, a few years ago.
We went for lunch together. She ordered a strawberry lemonade, she then called the waitress over, and complained the drink wasnt strawberry enough. To.. paint a picture, this was a big woman, like big big, she ordered half the menu for a 1pm lunch, meaning this was already more work for the waitress, and then this so called friend complained about her (probably premixed) strawberry lemonade.
the waitress, had no idea how to respond to ther lemonade not being strawberry enough. I saw her wheels turning as this lady complained. She was nice and offered to fix it. The smug look on big girls face when the waitress walked away to fix it, is what did me in. Waitress brings back a little cup of strawberry syrup or something like, and this lady didnt even use it. She just acted smug.
it was the most bizarre interraction Ive ever witnessed. I fucking ghosted that lady. Fucking psychopath.
^ THIS!
Mostly agreed on this. Tipping is just a weird cultural / historical quirk though
Yes, obviously, tipping where it's a cultural norm. 😉
Yeah, I just wanted a cheap dig at tipping. I don't enjoy watching people dancing for me in the hope they get a liveable wage out of it. I'm glad to no longer be living in a place where it is the norm
Thinking tipping is a good thing might be a (minor) red flag for me actually since there isn't much too it besides giving the customer an amount of control over another human (and moving who is responsible for wages away from the business)
OTOH - failing to tip in a culture where it is the norm and servers do depend on them, withholding tips is problematic. It all depends on how your date treats them.
Yeah, it's pretty no win being in a place that tips. You're just punishing the server if you do anything but a good tip and a good tip is just embedding tipping more
I usually just do blind maths for the tip but with an accent I always liked asking the server what I should tip and doing it well before I had to pay so I could get a feel for what sort of person it was or if I was missing something and sometimes it was surprising. I ordered six beer cans takeaway on a road trip once and (believing that take away was not usually tipped) asked. Their answer was something like "I'm earning $3 an hour, it's your call". Its pretty messed up anyone thinks that's okay let alone enough people that the system persists
If they say "I don't care about politics"
Fucking woof my guy.
I'm assuming the downvotes are because you said tests, rather than "red flags". Agreeing early that you are incompatible due to wanting/not wanting kids is completely healthy and will save couples much unnecessary time and pain down the road...
Or maybe the parents that refuse to accept any other lifestyle just think you should procreate whether you want to or not..
(Not) having kids is neither a red/green flag.
It's a personal preference.
Being pleased by anima cruelty. Now that is an actual general red flag!
If they are on a date with me the only thing being tested is their patience.
I always check their fingernails with a UV pen-light. It just seems like the right thing to do. You never know.
There's only one test that ever mattered but modern tech made it outdated:
https://youtu.be/4df17uZyMs8?t=119
The principle is the same tho, just in general that little things are done by both parties to make it easier on the partner.
If a guy took the time to open a manual locked car door for his date to let her in first, and she didn't take the two seconds to open his door, it may not be a reciprocal thing.
But the downvotes are because "test" indicates pass/fail. People get nervous around people they like and they may act stupid or insensitive just because you're distracting them.
Green/red flags are better. Most shit is at most a caution.