Ask Lemmy

It's crazy the amount of people in this thread who found love when they weren't actively searching for love.

There are many ways to 'enter the dating pool.' All of them are different.

To the ugly people out there:

I'm using "ugly" here for clarity, but it's important to remember that though beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there is "being ugly", "looking ugly" and "acting ugly"

Some people are naturally beautiful, other have to work on it. Call it talent, if you will. Either way, when talent doesn't work hard, you need to work hard yourself. Go to the gym, not to become a muscle machine, bit to be and look healthy. Surprise, looking healthy looks attractive. It's not even immediately about losing weight, though for some that too may be very helpful.

Then, go to YouTube and find some videos on helping to appear better. Look into fashion that you like, and whatever you pick, try to do it well. Look however you want, but just try to look well. A well dressed emo looks better than a shoddy emo. Same for chads, furries, or you name it.

Then: just don't be a dick. You can be beautiful on the outside, but if the inside is rotten, nobody will want to be with you, doh. Find people with your interests, be it sports, Warhammer, hiking, foods, politics, or playing chess, find someone that shares your ideas, interests and values.

And just be nice! That sounds easy, but it may require some work, depending how talented you are with being nice. I make a point out of it to always be a progressive gentleman. So while I'm not of the "women belong in the kitchen", I will always open every door for my dates (well, now wife),I always volunteer to help them out with something, I never ask for anything in return. Find a good sense of humor, everybody likes to laugh.

There are no guarantees, but with 8 billion people on this world, it can't be impossible to find somebody that wants to love you

I know this is not c/casualconversation but OP you gave me an opportunity to share the funniest dating story I have ever heard of, from first-hand experience unfortunately. This was in middle/late 2023

I... am not that great. Pretty mediocre looks, Asian guy (there's research on this lol) in the US, and the Autism is very strong... so I only ever got 2 matches, neither of which worked out. One of them was particularly brutal because we talked on the app for a whole month, finally met in a coffee shop... and I immediately got ghosted afterwards. I think at that point (2 mo) Hinge started only showing me ppl I have already seen so I deleted the app. However

The person I talked for a month with mentioned a local arcade that I didn't think much of. Later in 2023 I decided to visit, on 2023-12-09... and holy shit they have all my favorite games, and they even had a DDR (technically ITG) cab and a maimai cab that are basically workouts. I instantly signed up for the monthly membership (which was way cheaper than a gym) and started going there at least 3 times a week, probably for like 3-4 hours at once. That was literally what got me through the end of grad school

I still have a picture I took the first time I went of a Sound Voltex cab (6th gen, "EXCEED GEAR") and how I got destroyed on a song I would now do as a warmup routine... which is why I knew the exact date I visited the arcade btw, the picture is timestamped

So what was I typing. No dating pool isn't great

I just recently started fingerblasting a friend of mine.

That's basically a date, right?

After a breakup it was good for fucking around (literally) but if you want something meaningful and serious, go for shared interests. Go talk to other people slacklining if you're into that. Visit skate parks, art exhibitions, tournaments you like.

I love dating later in life as opposed to dating when I was younger. People my age are usually much smarter and well rounded than when we were in our 20s. If they have kids, they're usually grown enough to not be annoying. I love when I hear short fat older freshly divorced dudes complain. Like homie, there is a reason you are getting the responses you do on the apps. Although I am incredibly tall and in decent shape, so ymmv.

After a couple years the dating pool, last spring I was fed up with all the bullshit, so I said "fuck it, I'm done" and gave up.
Shortly after I casually met my best friend's sister after 10 years we didn't see each other and had a really fun time, so we started hanging out. I didn't even see her as a "potential candidate" in the beginning until I realized how much I enjoyed spending time together. So we started dating and now we're in a truly wonderful relationship, I can easily say the best I ever had.

And I think all of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't let myself truly enjoy someone without any preconceived goal or expectation, without that "fuck it, I'm done" moment.

Being 6'2 at 12 then 6'4 by the end of growing did wonders for me. I'm also pretty charismatic and generally kind to everyone. The height thing as well as a mostly positive upbringing gave me a lot of confidence, which I think is the main indicator of success or failure in dating. So, I've never had trouble but I have always struggled with the idea that if I didn't have a girlfriend I was a loser. That mentality led me to stay in a few pretty toxic relationships for way too long.

"Dating" is bullshit. Just go about your social life and you'll meet someone.

Being a trans girl with pretty privelage tm and just hanging out in spaces for us had gotten me enough dates tbh

“Enter[ing] the dating pool” puts way too much pressure on the situation. I just go out looking to meet interesting people and make friends. Eventually I’ll meet someone where things feel different and you both will want to get to know each other more than most of the people you meet. That’s how I met my current partner four months ago.

That said, we did meet while going to events in our local kink scene. That’s a more unique environment where everyone understands that conversations have a high likelihood to be sexual and any kind of judgmental attitude is frowned upon by the community. It makes it way easier to be comfortable and confident in a conversation.

Dating apps are evil. I avoid them like the plague. Yeah it may feel “safer” to swipe through strangers on an app, but you’re really just trading your mental health (and whatever information the corpos collect) for the illusion of safety. Going out and putting yourself out there is hard and scary, but it gets easier over time and the results are much better.

Well, i got on some dating apps, spoke with some guys who fizzled out, had some awkward dinners, and eventually got a boyfriend. Together for 3 years now.

For specifics.

• I live in a major city so dating pool is relatively large.
• be realistic about your own looks when approaching people. I'm pretty average looking and when I approach guys who are cute but not outlandishly gorgeous I had a better time.
• some people will try and neg you during a date. It will be super obvious. It will make the date suck
• don't stick out a bad date because of any sense of obligation.

It took me a long time to find someone who I meshed with, and who I was excited to see every day. It only really clicked when I stopped trying so hard on dates. Just... had an honest conversation.

I would rather gnaw off my own foot than go on another first date.

I had met my wife on a dating app in 2021. I wouldn't recommend it and I am pretty sure she wouldn't either.

In short, it was just pure luck that we have matched. And it was also incredibly lucky that we had many things in common considering both of our backgrounds. And it is not like same taste in art, media, food. More of experience.

My reason is that even if me and my wife found each other, chances were close to 0. And on the way there we got both hurt many times on these apps. These apps are designed to keep you on the app, not to effectively find a match. They will make you miss good potential matches in favor or less good ones so you keep scrolling and eventually paying for premium.

You really have more chances to find a mate just living out there. Join interest clubs. Attend events. Socialize a bit more. That way your chances are thousand times higher than on these apps.

Well I'm 24 and I've never even kissed anyone so I think that answers everything nicely...

Went through a nasty breakup, hit the dating apps, had a few terrible dates and then started spending more time pursuing hobbies. Made friends through hobby groups (skiing and mountaineering in my case) and one of those friends has now been my partner for over a decade.

Shared interest groups are the way to go IMO.

Extremely difficult.

I tried dating apps, but ultimately I have friends who I asked out and I got rejected.

For me the hard thing is going out and socializing. It's just statistics; the more you go out to random places and meet new people, the more likely you are to find someone, but it drains my energy like nothing else and I also gotta gather confidence after only ever being rejected.

Turns out dating is hard, but as long as you keep being open it'll happen at some point.

Best thing about being married

Not having to date

Not real great. I've always taken the advice to "just treat women like people," and have had a lot of great friendships with women as a result. Then, for a few months some years ago, I decided to follow the "just be confident" advice, and forced myself to behave in ways that felt to me very transgressive and boundary-breaking. It worked stunningly well, but I just can't keep it up. That's not my personality, or my romantic style. I need some indication that a woman is interested in me, and pushing past her initial resistance makes me feel queasy. But, I'm not attractive enough to get those kinds of signals often, so, the single life it is.

Waste of time. Now I'm 46, no kids, never married. Couldn't be happier.

After 21 years of marriage and about 5 years of working on myself after divorce, I'm finally dipping my toes in the dating pool. Honestly, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. I don't use dating apps, as they weren't around when I was previously single and I don't seem them as likely being effective for me. I'm 60, but good looking and extremely fit, most people assume I'm in my mid 40s, and I do a decent job of attracting interested women in their 30s and 40s. I feel that I'd be screened out by age on dating apps and not even seen by women in my target demographic, whereas in person I do really well. Overall, reentering the dating pool has been an interesting experience. One surprising thing is that women over 40 are much more forward with me than I'm used to. They ask me if I'm single, ask for my phone number, and even proposition me point blank at times. Overall, it's been a very positive experience for me, and I feel like I do at least as well or better than I did in my youth (which was pretty good).

An overall mixed experience. Its certainly worse with the rise of dating apps. The main thing I found that made it easier was learning to deal with rejection and not letting it break me every time I was turned down. Took a while to do but it does help.