Those wank numbers are rookie numbers.
this post was submitted on 28 Dec 2025
326 points (96.3% liked)
memes
18736 readers
3192 users here now
Community rules
1. Be civil
No trolling, bigotry or other insulting / annoying behaviour
2. No politics
This is non-politics community. For political memes please go to !politicalmemes@lemmy.world
3. No recent reposts
Check for reposts when posting a meme, you can only repost after 1 month
4. No bots
No bots without the express approval of the mods or the admins
5. No Spam/Ads/AI Slop
No advertisements or spam. This is an instance rule and the only way to live. We also consider AI slop to be spam in this community and is subject to removal.
A collection of some classic Lemmy memes for your enjoyment
Sister communities
- !tenforward@lemmy.world : Star Trek memes, chat and shitposts
- !lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world : Lemmy Shitposts, anything and everything goes.
- !linuxmemes@lemmy.world : Linux themed memes
- !comicstrips@lemmy.world : for those who love comic stories.
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
died at 38
cigarettes: 4532
Seems legit
That's about 11 packs a year starting at 18. A pack a month. That won't kill you at 38 🤣
They didn't do the math
I wish i had that kind of self control 😂
You absolutely could develop cancer that young from smoking that quantity of cigarettes and die
Yes you're absolutely right! That could absolutely happen.
I stand by my statement.
That’s what I sometimes imagine the afterlife must be. But then you have to go through all the things you’ve experienced during your life in alphabetical order.
“Ok so these were all the moments you had a little farsightedness, up next all of your farts in a row”
How is my guy only gonna poop 14 times in 38 years? My 3 year old kid has pooped twice 10 times that already
Because Europeans use decimals the way we use commas. It's 14 thousand+ times
Forget stats, I want to see commented replays. Every time I missed a hint of person. Every person that got romantic/sexual feelings for me and the best time to make a move. Every time I lost something or got robbed. Shit like that. I'm really interested in that, even though it could be hell, when you realize how much you missed. To really rub salt into the wound, they could show you "what if" scenarios of missed opportunities. For example what would have happened if I did a bit better at a job interview? What if I applied for a job, where I skipped over the ad? Of course only realistic stuff and just one change. For example I never had any plans of getting a doctor and there would have been several different changes, to be remotely realistic.
So 856,346 is the score to beat then?
I bet they don't even keep the stats anymore for Keith Richards.
Damn, I walk a fair amount recreationally (Pokemon GO), and I only have 10,000 km in the past 9 1/2 years. Well, according to my Pokrmon GO stats anyway. My day job is in an office though, so I don't get as many steps passively.
And can I get to choose some perks for my next life?
If no, here's some suggestions:
- Intuitive hindsight: In your next life, you'll have an "intuition", which will be able to help you to help repeating good things and avoiding mistakes, but the more you change the new timeline, the less trustworthy it becomes.
- Supernatural talent: Based on your previous life's talents, you can more easily guess how certain things works.
38*365=13870
856346/13870=61.74
This guy masturbated 62 times per day if we assume that he is capable to jerk when a toddler. If we assume he starts jorking it from 12, then this rate goes to 90.23 faps per day
He is the king of gooners
Agree with the starting at 12 theory. He gets enough sleep too, so figure 16 conscious hours per day and he's busting around every 10 minutes.
Cause of death: dehydration.
Reminds of of Adam Carolla when he was hosting the Love Line radio show in the late 90s to early 00s and swore he jerked it 50 or more times a day... Talk about chaffing lol
And he still managed to sleep over 9 hours per day and walk over 14.7km (9.15mi) per day on average
He mastered the art of sleep'batin' and walk'batin', making him able to achieve such high numbers.
Some say he could never get off unless sleeping or walking.
He has mastered the flickergoon
Truly a sleepwalk'bater
He basically sleep walked while masturbating. Never heard of multitasking?
Maybe Deaths definition of a fap is 100 strokes. You know, as a way to differentiate between a 10 hour gooning session, and a 5 minute sleep-fap.
Rookie numbers.
At some point there ceases to be skin on the hog and you’re just rubbing blood.
Truly the most committed of our time.
I guess with that much masturbation, I can see how he died at 38.
Guess I'll get my affairs in order.
Ripped his dick smoove off
This guy lived for 38 years, converting to somewhere between around 13,870 - 14,234 days. (I'm not doing leap years, you can't make me)
Sure, the masturbation stats are impressive and even the sex stats are not half bad but this guy pooped 14,234 times, truly he was regular as fuck. Maybe that was his secret.
Secret to die young?
Leap years: 38/4 = 9.5
Lets assume he had 10 extra leap year days.
145L of booze? Rookie numbers.
They drank themselves to death on the first go. It's the only explanation.
I'm assuming that's like pure alcohol (as alcohol related stats usually are to negate the difference in drinks), so if he only drank beer of around 5% he would have drank 8700 beers. Say he started drinking alcohol at the age of 16 that averages out to somewhere between 7 and 8 beers a week (or the wine/booze equivalent). While not exactly alcoholic levels, this is above average (depending on where he lived) and an unhealthy amount.
All useless stats. I want to know my rank in those categories. Or maybe percentile. Maybe that's my boomer toxic trait, but I want to know how I stack up.
Yeah I want to know my win/loss record and world ranking at pool, chess, monopoly etc.
I don't expect any of them to be great, just interested.
Also curious how many completely unique sentences I said/wrote.
Oh those pesky girlfreinds: neither a friend nor a fiend.
These are some wild stats. Why doesn't he poop
Edit: I'm now remembering that comas and periods aren't always used the way I'm used to
I was also thrown off by that.
I thought "damn died after only 1.5 rounds of sex. That's rough buddy!"
Also curious about what constitutes 3.4 kisses. Lol
Yᴏᴜ Hᴀᴠᴇ Dɪᴇᴅ
Pʀᴇss Fɪʀᴇ Tᴏ Rᴇsᴘᴀᴡɴ
I don't wanna. Where's the power button?
I was recently thinking that if I died and went to hell, the greatest torture that could be inflicted on me would be to show me how much productive time I wasted pulling the meat.
meat pulling is productive.
You typically produce something...
I would be interested to see the total percentage of time I have spent in virtual worlds vs waking life.
First story in David Eaglemans book Sum is about this and goes a bit more into details with a fun twist: https://annas-archive.org/md5/78ce796e77c9b0bd0b4f1fabae08ca35