Ask Lemmy

I grew up in a racist town, and was indoctrinated on racism in my youth. It never sat right with me, but even so, I still struggled with racist thoughts that would jump in to my head when I encountered indigenous folk.

Someone said to me though that it's not the first thought that jumps in to your head that matters, because that's what you've been trained to think. What matters is what you do after that thought has appeared.

And that's stuck with me. It helped me be aware of the impact of indoctrinated hate, whilst also not getting tied up with guilt over my inability to completely purge myself of the indoctrinated bullshit.

It allowed me to retrain myself, and to make sure the shit I was raised with doesn't get passed on to my own kid.

Don't commit more than one crime at a time

More of a famous quote I guess, but:

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Since I first heard it, I've been far less annoyed / paranoid about other peoples actions, at work in particular.

Get ready, because this is kind of cheesy stuff, but these two pieces of sports advice, taken together, have guided me for years.

First: a mentor of mine who was a pool shark taught me that when you're playing pool, there is always a best shot to take. Sometimes, when you've got no good options in front of you you want to just do nothing or quit. But no matter what, billiards offers a finite set of options of where to try and aim the cue, and if you rank them from best to worst, there is always a best. When you're in a bad situation, you find it and you take the best option. Often, that's either a harm reduction strategy, a long-shot that feels impossible, or a combo of both. But if you always do this you'll usually suffer far less harm in the aggregate, and if you take enough long shots you'll occasionally achieve a few incredibly improbable wins.

Second: A kayaking instructor taught me -- and this I'm told is true in many similar sports -- you go where your focus is, so to evade a problem, focus on the way past. If you see a rock, don't stare it it, you'll hit it. It doesn't matter if your brain is thinking "I gotta go anywhere except that rock!" If you're looking at, you're heading into it. If you don't want to hit the rock, instead you have to look at wherever it is you DO want to go. It takes a bit of practice, because your brain sees "rock!" more easily than "smooth water flowing between two rocks". But that's how you get down a river, and it's also how you work through almost any other problems in life that are rushing at you: don't focus ON them, focus on whatever is the preferred alternative. This is especially useful if the alternative is sort of a non-thing, like an empty gap between two problems. And it often is.

Taken together, you get the basic approach that has steered my problem solving throughout adulthood. And it really works.

I work in an environment that can have some tight timeline, high stress moments. People often deal with this with a kind of controlled panic- "Hi. This thing is not working." "Fuck, this is not working, quick, try that thing! Argh! Not working either! Oh no, shits fucked. Shit... Ok, try the other thing! Fuck, call Gary, they might know what to do!"

Then I worked with a person who had this totally different approach. When shit hit the fan, they just super calmly looked around, and said "That's a bit boring." Just that phrase shifted my whole perspective on the industry. Just treat the problem as a minor annoyance, and you'll see that it's rarely worth getting panicked about.

The other thing they taught me- no matter how urgent it is, never run. Running makes it look like we fucked up. And we don't fuck up, we just have the next thing that needs to be fixed.

Anyone who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. -Voltaire

I first heard it when I was a kid but didn't truly understand it until 9/11. The more time goes on, the more our shitty timeline proves it to be true.

Two TV quotes go through my head every day.

Bill Nye: Everyone you'll ever meet knows something you don't.

Doctor Who: Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.

That there's an aspect of every relationship that always starts the same. It's two people bringing richness to each other, almost like Kings and Queens coming together bringing their lands and wealth with them.

Over time though that richness can fade and instead of bringing richness they start begging for it from the other person. If you find that you're in a relationship with someone and that both of you have turned into "beggars" whose life can only be complete if the other person performs a task or meets an expectation, the relationship will weaken and that weakness will invite other problems.

The solution, if you have become a "beggar" in a relationship, is to mentally detach yourself from the other person and spend some time alone trying to reconnect with what made you a rich resource in the first place. You must remind yourself what it was that made you a King or Queen and focus on regrowing those seeds of richness and independence from the other person. Then, once you have placed that crown back on your head you can return to the other person and offer your richness once again.

I've never forgotten that and it's led to a happy marriage for 14 years. Also works with friendships and working/business relationships.

I you want to do something, you'll find a way.
If you don't want to, you'll find an excuse.

Sometimes I'm finding reasons not to do something (like exercise), and have to remember to stop looking for excuses and start looking for solutions.

A smart person learns from their mistakes, but a truly wise person learns from other people's mistakes.

Idk who said them first but I’ll never forget the men who gave me these two things:

• You are never out of options until you choose to stop looking for them.

And

• Money comes and money goes but it is never worth fighting about. (The guy who gave me this one was going through an awful divorce and had a lot of regrets about how he handled things. I think that context matters here.)

When you feel uncomfortable, just let it be there. Dont try to push it away, feel it.

“I shouldn’t have saved so much”. Said a friend a generation older than me. He retired when he realized he didnt need to work any more and that he wasn’t going to burn through all of his money. He said he would have rather spent it while he was younger and enjoy it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe it the first time.

Also, if everyone you meet is nice, it's because you're a nice person. Conversely, if you think everyone's an asshole, you're the asshole.

Sex is like air. It's not a big deal unless you're not getting any.

Two from my mom-

I cut; you chose.

If a boy will cheat with you he will cheat on you.

Poop on company time.

Two from the same guy.

Remember, you're not sick in traffic, you are traffic.

If you don't have time to do it correctly now, how are you going to have time to fix it later?

"Stairs are lots of little floors which makes it easier to get between the bigger floors" - Philomena Cunk

"The good things won't be as good and the bad things won't be as bad as the mind lead you to believe." (Unknown source)

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

"Like your job. Love your wife." - Dell from Trains, Planes, and Automobiles. You can generalize that to say, your job is just a means to an end. Don't work a job you hate, but look elsewhere for true fulfillment in life.

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast"

This has helped me learn nearly every physical skill I know.

In general terms, people as individuals = good. People in groups = bad.

Be a good person, not a nice person.

Maya Angelou: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'

Personally, this is one I given myself...

We're all idiots. It just depends on how much of an idiot you want to be.

Both destruction and development play on the lap of a teacher.

"By their fruits you will recognise them." - Big J

When people say A but they have only done/been B, assume B (even more so if they don't even acknowledge the discrepancy).

And yes, I agree, people are fundamentally good 😊, which is why great immorality shocks and disgusts us (well, most of us around the world at least): we're witnessing someone deny their humanity and act against it.

That startrek quote about making no mistakes and still losing