this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2025
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chat

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I'll go first: I'm not actually the famed reclusive author Thomas Pynchon.

I was actually Richard Hell from Television and The Voidoids, the whole time.

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[–] Parsani@hexbear.net 28 points 2 months ago

I sold the domain name to DOGE for a cybertruck coupon ($50 off)

[–] GayTuckerCarlson@hexbear.net 25 points 2 months ago
[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 24 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I've actually never met George Soros nor worked for him.

[–] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 13 points 2 months ago

unbelievable

[–] HelluvaBottomCarter@hexbear.net 17 points 2 months ago

It was me Hexbear. John Kerry, Silver Legion, Veganism, Outdoor cats, moving stones, throwing batteries into the ocean, liberalsocialist.

I'm the author of all your pain.

[–] Gorb@hexbear.net 17 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I'm sorry you all had to find out this way but I'm straight

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 8 points 2 months ago

Now that you're out, the plane's gonna right itself and we're all gonna live

[–] AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net 14 points 2 months ago

My first and only celebrity crush was Elliot Page because I envied him for seemingly being a lesbian when I was still in denial.

But joke’s on me I guess.

[–] Ram_The_Manparts@hexbear.net 14 points 2 months ago

I'm actually Barron Trump

[–] Aradina@lemmy.ml 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 10 points 2 months ago

See, now that you're out, the plane's gonna right itself and we're all gonna live.

[–] DinosaurThussy@hexbear.net 13 points 2 months ago

You know how I’ve been advertising weight loss supplements and exercise equipment on my TikTok? Since the app’s getting banned I may as well share that I’ve actually been thin the whole time and I don’t use any of those products

12 hours later

Hahahaha what a funny joke I made, right guys?

[–] Alaskaball@hexbear.net 12 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I fucking love hololive and holostars

[–] CrawlMarks@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

Sometimes girls just wanna have fun

[–] kleeon@hexbear.net 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I used to "ironically" be into vtubers but it has stopped being ironic a while ago

[–] ElChapoDeChapo@hexbear.net 6 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

We should all become vtubers and open our own vtuber owned co-op agency as a bit but then it can eventually stop being a bit

[–] vegeta1@hexbear.net 12 points 2 months ago

Kakarot is a true saiyan warrior and sometimes bests me.

[–] BobDole@hexbear.net 12 points 2 months ago

Bob Dole is posting from hell. Having to spend eternity on this liberal website is Bob Dole’s eternal punishment.

[–] WhyEssEff@hexbear.net 12 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

Ah great, now you're gonna go broke

[–] FunkyStuff@hexbear.net 12 points 2 months ago (1 children)

How do I get my kids to stop dressing up as you?

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 11 points 2 months ago

Encourage it

[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 11 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I've never listened to cth and never intend to

[–] Acute_Engles@hexbear.net 4 points 2 months ago

I listen to it out of habit at this point you're not missing much. They used to be a lot more funny

[–] radio_free_asgarthr@hexbear.net 11 points 2 months ago

I am actually funded by the Norwegian sovereign wealth fund and Norway secular groups, unlike the other Radio Free outlets. That's why I am still working after the USAID defunding.

[–] corgiwithalaptop@hexbear.net 11 points 2 months ago

I have a crush on the person reading this and want to smooch them

[–] tactical_trans_karen@hexbear.net 10 points 2 months ago

My name... It's not actually Karen. I also think you're all a bunch of cuties and have a crush on you. stalin-heart

I'm taken tho, sorry folks.

[–] Beaver@hexbear.net 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'm not actually a sentient Beaver

[–] Owl@hexbear.net 8 points 2 months ago

I'm also not a sentient beaver.

[–] ghosts@hexbear.net 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

this account is actually four different people bureaucracy posting since before it was cool

[–] ghosts@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

Or maybe we just have multiple personalities crush

[–] RobnHood@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

I am BlackMoldFutures ex wife

[–] DeathToBritain@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

one time I pissed in the megathread

[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 7 points 2 months ago

All my best posts and comments were made on the can

[–] someone@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

I'm the one who ghosted you on grindr last week.

[–] kleeon@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I like rewatching old episodes of south park

[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I had sex once after taking the volcel pledge

[–] KuroXppi@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago

I don't actually think beanis is funny I just post it for internet points and validation

[–] rtstragedy@hexbear.net 8 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

my gf encouraged me listen to rap music and now I like it

[–] adultswim_antifa@hexbear.net 8 points 2 months ago

I've never liked Pokemon. Nothing about it appeals to me.

[–] CrookedSerpent@hexbear.net 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 7 points 2 months ago
[–] Eldungeon2@hexbear.net 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] HiImThomasPynchon@hexbear.net 5 points 2 months ago

I'm very sorry 😔

[–] Grownbravy@hexbear.net 5 points 2 months ago

I am not a condiment sauce, not that there were any hints I would be. Figured I'd clear that up.

[–] sweatersocialist@hexbear.net 5 points 2 months ago

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

[–] Acute_Engles@hexbear.net 4 points 2 months ago

I actually did start the fire. Contrary to the song lyrics

Ive gotten like 4 accounts banned from here for being stupid

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