this post was submitted on 01 Aug 2026
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I guess I'm your polar opposite in that. I think having as intimate and strong a bond as you can with just one other person who returns that in full is one of the most valuable things a person can have in life.
I lost my wife to cancer about a decade back. I'm still in my 40s, so people keep expecting me to find someone else and bringing that up. That's unthinkable to me. I wasn't promising to love her and hold her above all others until she died, I was promising it for my life. Me being hers, her being mine, two being one, etc.
It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with love and integrity. If I had a similar relationship with another person now I would see that as invalidating so many things, turning the things that mean the most to me into lies. Every "forever", "no matter what", "this life and any after", "one and only" or any similar thing I ever said would retroactively become lies. All the other things about her being the most important, or coming first, or any other endearment that didn't specify ongoing and (if possible) eternal would retroactively have contingencies attached that clearly they only count unless that selfish bitch dies of something.
It feels so wrong to both her and anyone I would move on to and such a betrayal of my own personal values that it's unthinkable to me on the level of cannibalism. When people expect me to move on my revulsion is what I expect it would be if there was a dead person laying there and those people expected me to start eating them.
I really think it's a personal thing for your happiness right? You seem happy to carry her memory and knowing that's exactly what matters to you. If others need someone around, or that you can share the future moments with, then you aren't lying about it being "forever" if you continue living life, life changes lots of things. Sharing that love with someone is huge, but they also wanted to be with you for it. They can't be, so if someone finds someone else and they want to walk through life together I'd like to think someone can find that.
Some are happy with the memory, and their values hold that they would never involve another. But others know that they needed each other to get through the good and the bad, and that person isn't here anymore. They'll never be the same as the person who is gone, but it doesn't mean having them in your life is a "failure" or "betrayal"
It definitely does to me. It would very literally make many of the things I said lies. Yes, most humans would consider doing that acceptable and understandable, but that honestly makes it worse to me, not better. It seems like the bulk of humanity values their own personal comfort, the happiness or pleasure of the now, and not being stuck alone more than they value the honesty and integrity of words and promises they made that at the time felt like the most important a thing could be.
It changes the primary focus and most important aspect from the bond of love and dedication between two people, to not having to be lonely and go without fucking someone. It seems base, and degrading to anything that should hold true meaning and value.
And that's absolutely a view you are allowed to take. Nobody should force you to "move on" or "go get laid" or look down on you for not doing so. I would however strongly refute that everyone who does find another after losing someone is doing so to "fuck someone new", for a lot of people that move is not one made lightly, and not something so minimally calculated.
But for the people that do make those choices, they are also not lesser or "liars". Life can be very challenging, and connection, especially intimate ones (or lack thereof) can drastically change our feelings and wellness going through life. Some people find that connection on other people and choose to embrace it, others reject it to protect the sanctity of what came before.
I'm not trying to change your mind in either direction but to explain why other people may do what they do. There are several factors that could influence their decisions as well.
Some people don't believe in an afterlife. They believe that when the person is gone, they're gone. They hold memories dear, but they also know that suffering (if they feel that they are) for someone who is no longer here may not be worth the cost to their own wellness.
Some have had more than one experience like that. If I were to refuse to date anyone ever again because my 5 year relationship in highschool and college where we promised we would be together forever ended (for whatever reason). Am I a monster for finding love with another person because at the time I said and believed and truly swore we would be together? What if the separation was out of either of our control?
There's also the aspect you have talked about, which is akin to honor. You have made a vow and promised it until death. You have every right to stand by it and dedicate yourself to it, but not to choose others decisions for them as well.
Holding your oath may be what carries you, but others may need or want further comfort in life. It doesn't have to be sexual, but connection with other people in a way that truly shows them your heart is not something people can often find, and also not something many can just give up on in life.
Take the path that makes you happy, but if someone else's decision means there are two less unhappy people in the world then it's a decision worth making in my opinion.
I'm completely aware that different people have different beliefs. I've already said that I can only live true to mine as best as I can and couldn't force others to adhere to them. I never once said anyone else had to or should live by my personal values and morals.
copy/paste since it's the same point
"The world has over 8 billion people spread among something like 17,000 distinct ethnic groups and cultures, all with varying histories, religions, moralities, and social norms. Aspects of normal behavior to one group is very often considered immoral to another, and at times there are complete contradictions to the point where doing something is immoral and illegal in one place but not doing that same thing is immoral and illegal in another.
When someone sees your beliefs or acts as immoral it’s easy to define that as them being hateful of you. If it’s a group of people it’s easy for them to become hateful of you. And because of that, you’re likely to hate them in return. And you both spew hate at one another, and you both feel good doing it, because you can both tell yourselves that you’re justified and the other person is in the wrong.
You’ll never beat normativity. Macrosociology and cultural evolution show that moral norms such as monogamy or polyamory fail to unify across a population once it grows into the millions of people. And our actual social strata doesn’t extend nearly that far in reality. The highest number of people typically considered able to maintain a cohesive cultural group before they naturally begin to differentiate is only 150. Since people constantly grow and change the norms of any group and culture are always in flux, they’re always going to be there and always changing.
The best solution is simply doing our best to understand that people who have completely different beliefs and morals than us aren’t evil. That it’s great to do our best to live up to our own morals and values, but that it’s not right for us to try to force them onto others. It sounds easy, but in also means not judging others based on our own morals… so it’s extremely difficult.
There are people in the world who consider dog meat part of a normal winter meal. It’s very hard for me to not consider them evil, horrible people. Dogs are furry bundles of pure love who want nothing other than to be near their person and enjoy life together. They don’t see them that way. Seeing that as a cultural difference and not them being evil is tough.
That’s just pets. It’s way harder when it’s something deeply personal to our own life and self. Your example is clearly one of those. It’s likely the biggest and most common. Not just the mononormativity and platonic amatonormativity aspects, but the entirety of who it is and is not considered moral to have sex with and under what conditions. It seems very likely that it’s one of the things the moral differences that so much of humanity feels so strongly about even though there are many different accepted norms around the world is a third evolutionary relic. Survival of the group/society/culture/species is the primary evolutionary imperative, so it makes sense that the acts associated with human reproduction are the ones that so many people have a hard time accepting norms on that are completely unlike their own.
All we can do is try to live up to our own personal beliefs and morals, and struggle to not see those whose norms and morals don’t align with ours as evil. Maybe one day we’ll all be able to succeed in that. But we can at least understand it and keep it in mind so that we can keep ourselves from acting hateful towards those people and hopefully become more willing to try to stop our closest friends from acting hateful as well."
Exactly, and that's why I'm saying that she is making a false equivalence. Although I'd say that even if it was just to "fuck someone new", it still wouldn't be as bad as she presents it. She can feel that way, and again, that is respectable and she is within her rights to do so, but her way of expressing it is moralizing and judgmental.
Well said.
First of all, I am very sorry about your wife, I really know what it feels like to lose someone to cancer since I also lost my father to cancer, when I was 11 years old. I wish you strength and health.
Now to this, I'm not saying that psychological bonds or intimacy are not important or bad. What I really mean is that people demonize another equally important and good form of intimacy, physical and sexual, and for younger people, experimentation without commitments before a more serious relationship, which even correlates with a greater likelihood of being satisfied in future serious relationships (monogamous or polygamous), and less likelihood of cheating. Although polygamous AND open relationships, I think they are the best, even if on the other hand they are more difficult to have and maintain, because there is evidence that points to the fact that people are less likely to feel dissatisfied with a relationship if they can still experiment with other people.
This is clearly a false equivalency fallacy. You can't compare those things. I don't think that getting another couple is something bad or makes everything you promised to her false. You may not like to do that, and that's totally respectable, but criminalizing or dehumanizing it is way too much. I think that's part of letting go, and I'm not trying to minimize your feelings nor the feelings of people that's living something similar, but telling that it's a form of self-care and self-healing.
Anecdotal, but I've been around about a dozen polygamous relationships.
Only one would I have considered "healthy" the rest at least one sometimes even two of the people involved were being taken severe emotional advantage of. One person is usually taking advantage for their own self serving reasons.
TBH I put it in the same category as Christianity, it sounds good on paper, but reality is 99% of "Christians" shouldn't even be allowed to be called Christian much less good ones.
First, I didn't say I wanted to criminalize people having another relationship if a spouse dies. It seems completely wrong and awful to me, however I understand that not all people are going to hold the same views and values. I can only live by mine to the best of my ability, I don't try to impose them on others. But yes, me doing that would very literally would make a lot of the things I've said in the past lies.
Again, we're polar opposites on this. I'm not making a false equivalence. I'm trying to explain my level of revulsion on this issue as it's not something you'd understand. It's something I find to be completely and absolutely immoral.
It changes the primary focus and most important aspect from the bond of love and dedication between two people, to not having to be lonely and go without fucking someone. It seems base, and degrading to anything that should hold true meaning and value.
You're making it, even if it's as something you think, that doesn't change the fact that the logical structure of that reasoning is a false equivallence — killing and cannibalizing someone can't never compare to just get someone else after you lost someone before — and if you say that it's for some kind of respect, that seems really creepy, if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want my couple to be sentenced to be alone (in a romantic and sexual way) the rest of their life, even if they promised that to me.
I never said killing someone. I said eating a dead human. Like eating the body of a dead human, getting into a relationship with another person after having been married is a thing that doesn't physically harm anyone in any way but that I find to be completely wrong and morally repugnant.
That's not a false equivalence, it's just an actual equivalence that you don't like hearing.
It's still not comparable. Only what causes any kind of verifiable harm (physical, reputational, economic, psychological, psychiatric, etc.) can be considered bad, immoral, and unethical. Anything that does not is simply amoral. Thus it is a false equivalence.