Those are definitely major painful points, yes. I definitely remember not being able to imagine being out to friends. Starting diy in secret was also something I was very iffy on.

Voice is a huge one for me. Both how important a voice is for me, and how much I hate voice training or even the idea of it. It feels hopeless. I hope I do randomly start. The other thing I really need to start, like right now, is driving. Moving out without being able to drive here in the states is really hard/bad.

I do think it's interesting you don't mention transphobia/society on the whole, which is another of my biggest issues right now. I don't feel hate for other people because I'm not cis, I feel hate towards them for their transphobia. Their ignorance. Their lack of motivation to improve. Their complete dogshit opinions and epistemology. I said it that way in my original comment because if I wasn't trans, I also would probably not care as much about societies transphobia as I do now. I do have other social issues most people are bad on that I care about a lot, but transphobia is obviously going to be the one I care about most and is incredibly pervasive.

I should stop ruminating. Maybe I'll bring it up with my therapist later. I haven't because I don't really think he is going to be able to say anything particularly helpful about it. I could go around and ask the people I talk with about it. I don't know. Being trans has been terrible so far. I do not know how to stop thinking about what seems like the only way to not be struggling. How else could I avoid voice training, societies transphobia, my size, etc. I mean there's the final solution but I have been even less ready to actually do that lately. Maybe I have thoughts but I am not planning like I used to. It's just, inescapable.

I hope so too. I have to drive. If I can do that I think I can get my own place. Thank you so much Terminal, I really appreciate you and your replies.