this post was submitted on 25 Nov 2025
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how to assassinate a...
chemist: just keep challenging them to make more and more unstable and/or toxic compounds. if they've made it past FOOF gas, up the ante by saying "ok now do a 1-pot synth"
microbiologist: accidentally a little pathogenic virulence factors into their E. coli supply and poke some holes in the laminar hood HEPA. (don't do this if you share a bathroom with them)
particle physicist: take a couple screws out of one of the hundreds of ladders around the facility
theoretical physicist: remove a manhole cover in one of their usual walking paths, Looney Tunes style
biochemist: sabotage all their grant proposals and they'll take care of their own assassination
computer scientist: fucking don't they're an endangered species now
entomologist: literally indestructible don't even bother trying. these motherfuckers raise botfly larvae in their own limbs for shits and giggles. i fear no man. but entomologists... they scare me
mathematician: use a gun
Molecular biologist: repeatedly spike their samples and reagents to cause random failures. Eventually lack of sleep from running it "just one more time" will kill them.
Marine Biologist: You can't kill a 13 year old girl, no one actually becomes a marine biologist, they just all want to.
Sociologist: Trick them into going to a psychology convention, the crowd will do the work for you.
Psychologist: See above, reverse it. Might be harder to trick, tell them someone in there said they're just an anthropologist who's bad at math.
Anthropologist: Take away their teaching license, can no longer feed themselves because no one else is hiring them.
the Galois reference is the best
yes that was definitely intentional and absolutely not just an anti-joke i used when i ran out of ideas. excellent catch 😎👉👉
:)
For anyone wondering, Galois was a mathematician who postulated that you could simplify any problem with a gun