I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that's what it's about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes???? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I'm a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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Good moooooorning everyone~
I finally went to a transfemme hangout irl and omg, it was truly amazing!
I rarely feel a sense of belonging, especially irl, but there I did 
<- happy tears
That feeling of belonging is so beautiful, im so glad you got to have that! I feel you on rarely feeling belonging irl, its so nice when that happens!
It truly is, we all need family which to me is supposed to be the people who I always feel belonging with. I love my blood family, I got pretty lucky with them, but it's my trans-neurodivergent family that I feel that belonging with more than anybody
Also your emotes are so cute! They fill me with joy everytime I see them or your pfp
Blood family/the family that reared you is important, but the ND-trans-weirdo-people family is where the belonging is 100%, it feels so much more comfortable and safe! Like, my trans ND comrades dont always get me, but they get me the most out of anyone.
Ahhhhhhh!!!
it feels weird to have hung out in an online space long enough that people recognize me... And im so glad my presence and emotes fill you with joyyyyy!!!! 
my own family shit tangential to your comment and unrelated to this thread, also trauma i guess?
spoiler souring on family Ive been souring on my family again. Theyre all cis. They dont get it. My main family connection is my mother, but she got too familiar¹ with me again recently and its really made me feel unsafe with her and by extension the others.
footnote 1 (cw inappropriate sexual behavior, dysphoria)
When i first started transitioning, like, before i identified as trans and was just removing the learned behaviors i didnt like, such as how i modified my walk growing up to stop getting bullied, she started making sexual comments about me, grabbing me, slapping my ass, and generally making it clear that she viewed me as a valid sexual partner. This most recent time it was unintentional i think (she was giving me a shoulder massage and her hands wandered). But even then its like the best explanation i have is that she views me as male bodied and doesnt think its wrong to touch a mans chest, which is super dysphoric for me, and the worst is that shes purposely trying to touch my breasts, which is so gross and fucked up and just ew fuck off fuck all the way off stay away from me.re:cws from above, transphobia
wtf. I wouldn't feel safe around her either.
I'm glad all I have to deal with my mom complaining about trans "men" in womens sports and about how she wants to be on T. So its just the "cis" part of my immediate family who feels the need to be "transphobic" regularly (sometimes its just complaining about how women's bodies are and how she'd rather be on T, but with the implication that since she doesn't like having a woman's body with a derogatory emphasis on the fact that I'm intentionally choosing such). My brother is cis and he's wonderful about it. My sister could be better, but she also thought I told one of our half-siblings more than I told her and was secretly salty about that for several months before finally bringing it up. That cis half-sibling just paid attention and gendered me as an NB correctly without needing to be told.
spoiler
Im sorry youve got family pulling transphobic shit. Thats really frustrating. Her not wanting a womans body doesnt mean womens bodies are bad wtf? And you deserve to have a body youre comfortable in!
spoiler (this got way more rambly than i intended sorry, i probably have more processing to do...)
I really dont get it. She stands up for the women (presumably cis women) in her community all the time, is a member on accountability/repair/restoration groups for her community, pushed for and got victim led accountability processes implemented in her community where the victim calls most of the shots and lays out what should be done and how it should be handled, and in general defends peoples safety especially around uninvited or nonconsentual touch. So i just dont understand why she does these things. Like, i dont want to say its because im trans, but it sure seems like it. She genders me correctly most of the time, stands up to family members when im uncomfortable and does basic education stuff with them cause she knows i do it all the time. So why does she touch me like that? It feels so wrong... Shes acting like everythings fine now. I called her out on it over text, and we havent really discussed it. Ive tried to lay things out for her, and shes seemed to understand. And then wayway later she does this stuff. And like, it could have been innocent. But if its innocent that either means A) she doesnt think its wrong to touch womens breasts when giving massage, or B) she doesnt view me as a woman with breasts. And even if A is true, thats fucked up and even more fucked up that shes doing it to her daughter!
spoiler cw description of what happened (idk if its SA? Like i really dont know how to categorize this) also this gets rambly i know i should see a therapist but its hard to find someone whose good and takes my insurance.
She was massaging my shoulders and went down my back to work on the scapula muscles and whatnot. Massage is super normalized in my family and tbh i really like it. I like nonsexual affectionate touch. But then she got into my armpit which is weird. And then deep in my armpit on top of my breast tissue. And ive vented to her countless times about how like half my breast tissue is in my armpits and that its why i prefer underwire bras. So i know she knows that. That happened twice. She also was massaging the muscles under the collarbone and then just kept going further down until she was like an inch from my nipples. It was really upsetting and i dont care if theres muscles there you dont fucking do that. Shes vented about creepy men giving massage and feeling people up before, does she not understand that shes doing something similar? I just froze and eventually said stop stop and got up and left. I hate this shit like touched like that by a rando is one thing i can deal i can cut them out but i kinda depend on her for help paying for food and getting certain things done so i cant just cut her out. She wants to do a thanksgiving thing with the immediate family and i still havent responded and dont know how to bring up her behavior in a good way. I dont want to cut her out of my life, shes my last real family member and my only functional parent, i dont want to give that up. I dont ever want her to touch me again tho. When it first happened it was difficult enough. And i thought it was over? Idk its just fucked up and frustrating and i feel really not good being around her now.
:::
spoiler
Yeah, but I suspect she just assumes women typically feel the same way as her. And like, sometimes she couches it in complaining about misogyny, so like, I'm sure other women agree that being weaker and paid less and being disrespected sucks. So she's confused why I'd choose to put myself in a position where that stuff is more likely to happen + risk abuse from people who transphobic. She's a lesbian who realized she was into probably probably shortly after Stonewall happened and even her brother wouldn't even accept her after finding out she was, so like I get she's mostly speaking from experience and genuine concern rather than malice (but also dealing with her own problems). If I wasn't an NB, I'd probably be a lot more annoyed, but I mostly just feel pity for her.
I wonder how normalized casual touching of other women's breasts in a non-sexual way is within women's circles? I can't say I've ever been a part of such, but I remember some people's descriptions of how surprised they were by how boob-focused women seemed to be with friends after transitioning and being accepted within those circles. Even if it was normalized within friend groups though, I still can't imagine that being considered even remotely okay with one's own offspring.
I think if you feel like you might consider it SA, I think its fine to call it that? But I can relate to not wanting to call something that given I have my own experience that I think technically counts, but it feels weird calling it that given I assume it was entirely accidental (so I never felt threatened by it... and I got a bit of ewwphoria from it). But I wouldn't describe the person who did that as a sexual abuser or anything like that.
I feel like even if the breast tissue itself isn't there, if you're far enough forward, it gonna move the breasts around enough for it to feel awkward. I'd think someone else with boobs would understand that.
Maybe not? Not sure how sensitivity changes over time.
Glad you eventually were able to stand up for yourself.
That sucks. I hate how we live in a culture doesn't create an environment where everyone feels like they're safe to leave their current living arrangement without having to worry if they will have shelter or food. Seems like such historically existed to intentionally keep wives dependent on their husbands to an extreme degree and society normalized marital SA. But it doesn't seem like we've really progressed in meaningful ways still. Like, sure now a 50 year old woman who hasn't worked a job in 30 years could in theory leave and get a job to survive and maybe eventually they could win alimony and/or get through bureaucracy to get other assistance. The same problems exist for child dependents as well. Even if someone ultimately chooses not to leave, at least feeling like that's an option has to make it feel like you're a lot less trapped.
I hope this whole thing turns out to just be a lack of self-awareness on her part/muscle memory and y'all are able to work through this. Sorry you've had to go through such a shitty experience. I don't think I'd be able to bring up such a topic, but best of luck with it!
::: spoiler spoiler
Thank you, i really appreciate the validation. Idk i just feel weird about the whole thing.
I wouldnt call it that if this was the first or a one off incident, but when i first started transitioning she made it clear she viewed me as a valid sexual partner and would like grab me slap my ass make comments etc. I still feel weird calling it sexual harrassment and/or assault even with all that...
In my experience not a lot? Like, idk i dont spend a lot of time with cis people and when i do, its not oriented around that at all. But that could also be affected by me being a giant and visibly trans so
. And in my groups of trans friends we range from "please dont make out in the common areas" to "yeah you can fuck me on the couch while were all watching tv". Its very group dependent and is always predicated on everyone present being comfortable. Like one of my friends wasnt comfy with me and my gf at the time being loveydovey and sitting in each others laps, so we stopped.
Me too... It sucks. I want a job so i can stop depending on people in that way...
Thank you for talking to me about it, its helpful and i really appreciate it
::: spoiler spoiler
On the one hand i get it, i was confused about myself in that way too. On the other hand, you cant ask people to not be who they fundamentally are.
Couching it doesnt make it better imo :hug:
I mean, im glad its from concern and not malice. And it sounds like theres a lot of trauma there for her thats affecting her words and thoughts.
Regardless hugs if you want them, i hope she mellows out with it and gets a better understanding of you
transphobia
It honestly sounds like there's a chance that your mom could be a transmasc egg, but unfortunately with a lot of internalized transphobia. Not that it would in any way excuse this stuff.transphobia
Only she can say for sure, but I don't think she's ever been transphobic without expressing that her dislike of being a woman (whether it be fat distribution, avoiding misogyny, or having more muscles) and/or expressing a wish to be on T. She presents as a guy and is frequently gendered as a guy and seems quite proud that gay guys have thought she was an attractive guy, so I guess she basically socially transitioned like 50+ years ago?She insists she's a women solely because of the bits she was born with and has said gender is nothing more than that (before I came out - she's never said anything like that afterwards).
No wonder I was so oblivious to my own eggishness for so long given who I was raised by, even if it turns out she really is cis.
She tries to be supportive most of the time I think. I can't say she never tries to be antagonistic, but when she does its sometimes by saying things like "did you know E was going to effect your fat distribution? I'd rather take T." so her rare attempts at disses are affirming and make me want to laugh at how eggy she sounds (they reminds me of parody "still cis tho" jokes). Meanwhile, when she tries to be supportive, it just feels fake (although I appreciate that she's trying). So even if it doesn't excuse the behavior, when her perspective is so twisted that "you look like a woman" is her idea of a dunk, I'll take it.
I've been a cat girl since as early as I can remember when I was just a little kitten, it was my first Halloween costume! Long before I had a concept of gender and yet somehow I ended up running around telling everyone I was a girl cat rather than a boy cat (in my mother tongue there are two distinct words for them but the feminine version is the more general one) and getting defensive about it when adults corrected me
. I love seeing the other kitties, pups, kits, and so on running around being themselves. And your emotes are like the perfect portrayal of that! 
I think at this point I recognize all the regulars here by username or pfp to varying degrees. The first time I saw your pfp I thought the "wow wow" was antlers but I could see the pup/pup's pronouns so I went and looked at your profile to see it larger and saw that it's a pup with text, not a deer.
I like being recognized, I was not expecting it but it makes it feel like I'm in a community. Maybe I should make a non-mod account since I feel like it happens less since I became a mod here.
cws from above + bodyshaming
Omg that's not okay re: your mom. I've worked very hard to establishing boundaries with my mom but in her case they weren't physicalWith my mom I did notice that after setting boundaries and things getting better between us, she eventually relapsed and I had to re-establish those boundaries. Reading ahead the rest of what you've wrote about her in this thread, she should absolutely get it but unfortunately from my experience that doesn't necessarily happen.
One thing that feels familiar reading this is that my mom would make comments constantly bodyshaming me, like the kind of shit that girls get through puberty which gave me some ewwphoria but with a heavy emphasis on the ew. I couldn't believe it, I'm sure she's gone through the same stuff, but I guess maybe it's a case of abuse being repeated through victims turned abusers when they have internalized rather than unpacked and dismantled the trauma.