Y'know, when I signed up for this back in June I had grand plans for some grand writeup on the domestically produced unmagnified gunsights of Cuba. I had collected images and info and sources but I lost sight of it as life stuff happened and my time for the trans mega snuck up on me.
Que sera sera.
Anyways, today felt like the first whisper (you have no idea how hard I just thought about the ideal word for this metaphor) of autumn and that put me in the mood for one of my favorite autumnal albums. More Constant Than the Gods by SubRosa is a really lovely doom? sludge? metal album. I like how big it sounds. The lead vocalist is a really talented lady, and its got violins, also the lyrics talk about dying and stuff and I'm into that. Its very fall-y to me, as is Standard Time Volume 1 by Wynton Marsalis, but for extremely different reasons.
The funny thing is that, like the poster of the previous mega it is also my 5th transiversary, I started HRT half a decade ago today (ok technically it was the 17th but I'm gonna count it since thats when I started writing this). Now, I don't think that taking HRT was what made me "officially trans", rather it was the degree of self acceptance required to get to that point. It's a long story, and one I prefer to share privately, but it took a very, very long time before my fear and desperation gave me the strength to allow myself to have this. I think it all turned out pretty well, I experience existence in much higher fidelity, I'm this whole person, along with everything that entails.
I feel very blessed to be transgender.
I hope you all stay safe and have a good, or atleast tolerable week.
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sex and sadness
I try not to post about this for a bunch of reasons but its hitting me harder tonight. I feel really nervous and upset about the whole thing. I definitely have some bottom dysphoria, and just overall have no idea what I want to do, even fantasize about... I don't know. I worry about having a partner... would they be satisfied by me. What would I be able to give them, be enough, could I even do "sex". Even just nakedness seems really, really intimidating. I know, I could stay clothed and just do stuff to them, idk that doesn't really seem ideal to me..Like even by myself I get really upset and dysphoric, zone out, etc... some times better/worse then others but idk. I am both really upset about it for me internally and hopefully having a partner- and there's probably even more wrapped up in that (like them rejecting/being frustrated with me for it) but
this is already a lot of personalness to post
idk if youre looking for thoughts
I also have some bottom dysphoria, and shit around my leg hair. Ive gotten around this kinda with a tucking thong and really long thigh highs that go up to my butt. It hides the bits i dont like and makes me feel sexy! If you struggle with topside of your body you can get sexy tops, lacey bras, nighties, etc. Theres tons of ways to stay covered and feel sexy.
As far as what you could give someone, i think you underestimate yourself and the power of your tongue, fingers, skin on skin contact, and giving your partner the gift of your body. And like, a useful framework for me is the four quadrant system where on one axis you have touching or being touched, and on the other axis you have for your pleasure or your partners pleasure.
spoiler cw description of sex
Maybe give some thought to how you might want to engage with a partner, what kind of acts you might enjoy that wouldnt trigger dysphoria. For example when with a partner with a vagina i like being tucked and having a wand vibrator between us in a kind of scissoring position. We both get direct pleasure from the wand, we can look into each others eyes, theres skin contact (if ive shaved my legs), etc. It sometimes results in an erection at which point i might stop and cover myself in a blanket if it triggers dysphoria, but the tucking thong tends to keep those at bay and keep everything contained.
Also for me disengaging from the idea that sex is done in order to have orgasms was really helpful. Recentering instead on sex being something i do in order to express emotional closeness and joy and happiness has resulted in much better sex and funnily enough more and better orgasms (like, the toe clenching screaming kind lol).
I guess what im trying to say is that its absolutely possible to have a joyful happy sex life while navigating dysphoria and not being "fully functional" in a traditional heterosexual manner. It does take some experimentation and probably some tears and dysphoria when things go wrong (at least it did for me), but for me at least it was so worth it.