I'm sober now. Off of benzos and booze. But holy shit the things I've seen while in rehab. I'm a transfemme and got put in the men's psych unit. A quick recap. A crackhead who was five foot nothing who upon learning I was a trans femme was convinced I in fact had afab genitalia. He would often ask if I was wet or if id fuck him. The best thing that happened with him was me walking into the bathroom while he was shaving his stomach, turning to me, and shouting "XXXXX CAN I SHAVE YOUR PUSSSSSY?"
A PCP addict who out of nowhere asked if he could call me "Mother" and said shit like "mother do you like Hitler" "Mother do you get horny here" "Mother is anyone on the Boston Celtics secretly a transsexual?"
Security flipping the whole units stuff because we weren't allowed to bring food up from the vending machines and I had a nice thing going where I'd buy honey buns and wait for them to run out and then sell them for 3 cigs then sell each cig for a dollar and make a decent profit. They didn't find shit bc I kept my honeybuns in a back office that no one used and they thought was locked (I jimmyed the lock with my rehab id card)
Cuddling with a cute Bi dude on ten blankets and a pillow I made in my "office" and immediately stopping bc fuck cuddling while paranoid and afraid of being caught.
A 62 yo alcoholic who was from Georgia and came to Chi just to go to rehab. He couldn't read or write, was racist, sexist, and queerphobic. He called his roommate "boy" and learned the hard way racist shit doesn't fly past the Dixon line.
I have waaaaaay weirder stories and will add more. Love you all and I'm glad 2 be back
So glad to here you're out and feeling better! Life is a lot easier sober. I just got out of a quick detox trip and have been hitting meetings daily. Feel free to dm me if you ever need to talk about anything.
I literally can't do AA or NA. I have religious trauma and like no matter what they say AA and NA is 100% a judeochristan program. I'm doing recovery dharma and SMART recovery.
As long as you're doing something, that's what counts. Im at the point where I couldn't really give a shit about the program itself. I did the steps years ago and they didn't really do much for me. It's more about getting my ass out of the house and being with other people who share the same struggle. Not to mention there is no SMART or Dharma around me. Regardless, I hope you stick with it. It gets easier.
This is an absolute lie and I refuse to believe otherwise (because I don't want to quit)
It is absolutely true if you have the disease that I have. I can't tell you if you're and addict/alcoholic, that's something you need to figure out for yourself, but I can tell you what my disease is like.
When I put a substance in my body it's OFF TO THE RACES, and I can not stop. The only thing I care about is getting another one in me. And that goes on until I end up in an institution, jail, or 6 feet under the ground. If you're sick the same way that I am, I'll tell you right now, it is progressive and terminal if un-arrested. If you are an addict/alcoholic your life will eventually become unmanageable, it's only a matter of time.
So, take that with as many grains of salt as you please and ask yourself a few questions about how you use. Do you have cravings? Do you use compulsively? Do you drink/use more than you plan to? Does it negatively affect your life and relationships and you continue to use regardless of the consequences?
I'm pretty much always some kind of wasted. I suspect we're fairly similar wrt addiction based on what you've said.
And yeah, it's pretty much destroyed my life and cost me most of my relationships outside of my immediate family. It's cost me jobs, career opportunities. It's wrecked my health, physically and mentally.
Mad respect to you for quitting, but I can't do it. I'm too committed at this point. Plus, I think you need hope for it to really stick, and all my experience of life tells me that things get worse until you eventually die, usually miserably.
Best of luck to you.
I've been in the exact place you are now for a long time. I promise you it can and does get better. It just takes some work. Get to a meeting if you haven't been before, a speaker meeting would probably be best. I guarantee that just about every single person in that room will know precisely how you feel. It isn't hopeless. Sure, things are pretty fucked right now, but that doesn't mean they can't change for the better.