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Be cool
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You don't want to live on the compound
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Always take the Interior Minister position
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Never give up your nukes
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You can pronounce a name in any way you want
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Don't delete the dick pic
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If someone with a gun enters your car, they're gonna kill you
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If someone tells you they're not going to kill you, they're calming you down to kill you later
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Never release political prisoners to placate the protesters
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Never let the opposition delay elections
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If you're going to join a cult, leave the kids at home
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Create your own private police force
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Always pay your mercenaries
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If someone starts to get into German runes, drop them
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Always get it in writing
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Never put it in writing
-
You never have to answer the question you're asked
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Never trust a South American with a German name
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Never move anywhere for a religion
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Always disavow
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You want your situation to be precedented
-
Elections should only be done by paper ballots hand counted in public
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Never get in a helicopter (or small plane)
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If you get fired, just continue to show up
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Always check the medicine cabinets
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When someone asks you a question that you don't want to answer, you can just say "it's for legal reasons," or "I signed an NDA"
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NDAs are fake
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The coalition always fractures
-
If you're funny, you can say anything
-
If someone's trying to get you to commit a crime, they're FBI
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Never become an FBI informant
-
If you do become an FBI informant, record everything
-
Never record any kind of meeting, unless it's with the police
-
Never talk to cops without a lawyer
-
If someone always has a new hat, they've got something to hide
-
Always keep your dollars in money
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The world is run on groupchats
-
You should not be in a groupchat
-
Never say anything on the in-office communique
-
If you're pushing through a land reform program on behalf of the peasantry, do it really quickly and without telling anyone first
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Never trust a Cuban exile in the greater DFW metropolitan area
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If you keep gambling you'll eventually win
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Don't fuck your roommate
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Keep your hand on the gun the whole time
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Don't associate yourself with acts of terror
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Don't ever implicate yourself in any kind of child abuse and/or cannibalism case
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Don't let anyone take your passport
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Always shoot first
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Read the room
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Never let a woman see you play video games
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Do not invite the journalist to the party
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Don't talk to journalists, ever
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Don't ever host a party
-
If you're taken hostage, decide whether it'll be more lucrative to join the kidnappers or to continue as a hostage and sell your story rights later
-
If Congress calls you to testify, you don't have to go
-
Always secure the water rights
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Know who your guys are and always take care of them
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If, in a contentious interim mayoral race, a surprise "caretaker" candidate promises not to run again, don't believe them
-
Once a year go through your underwear & throw out what you don't like
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Learn the art of distraction
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Don't talk about the coup in public
-
Don't smoke marijuana out of a pen, smoke it out of a pipe or a bong
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Get a better lawyer (preferably a former prosecutor)
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Always pay your taxes
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Never deal with an explosives expert
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If you ever hear the word safe haven, someone's trying to bullshit you
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If a photographer gives you a funny prop, don't use it in a photo shoot
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When you pick up a hitchhiker, point a gun at them the whole time
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First thing you do when you have a coup, get on the radio
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If you sentence a guy to death, shoot him the next day
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Never overexplain when yes or no suffices
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If you are involved in any kind of arrangement with multiple Maurizios, it's gonna turn out badly for you
-
Never go into the sewers unless you're a sewer guy
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Always throw the fight and take the money
-
Get a small circle of advisors
-
Before protesting, pause and ask if you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired
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If you are a renowned author, you need a bunker
-
If you have weapons of mass destruction, never decommission
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As a journalist, the best question to ask is, "why does chaos reign now?"
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If you're no longer allowed to use the bank, don't use someone else's account, unbank yourself
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Anytime the FBI foils anything, it's fake
-
If your money's in something with 3 initials (i.e. FBI pension fund), take it out
-
Everybody snitches
-
If you get busted, serve your time, don't bring all your friends into it
-
Never go to a second location
-
Always balance your ratio of officers to enlisted
-
Don't use the presidential credit card to pay off gangs or make suspicious payments to places that might not otherwise receive it
-
Nothing is a gain until it's realized
-
Don't let your gains be reversed
-
Never invest in anything that has a name that has to do with the moon
-
When bad news comes out, the first line of defense is that it's fake. Second, you were hacked. Third, it's all farce. Fourth, notes app apology.
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Don't go to the sperm bank if it's in the guy's basement
-
Don't be the guy who has the uranium
-
Always make your letter non-binding
-
Everything you say to a journalist is on the record
-
Everyone in the crypto space is always lying
-
Don't leak your balance sheet
-
Never lock yourself in something
-
Don't be a creep
-
Always stay on message for yourself
A billionaire who both inherited his family fortune and also got tons of startup capital from the municipality of NYC, so he could speculate on the city's real estate, who became president, orders hamburgers from billion dollar tech company that charges $30 for a $5 sandwich, the hamburgers being made by another billion dollar company that gets most of its return from real estate speculation, not making hamburgers, delivered by a grandma who can't afford to live past retirement unless she hand-delivers fast food until she dies, recorded by a news network as a commercial for the food delivery company and the burger restaurant, the news company owned by a billionaire Australian who tried to monopolize US news and turn it into reality tv, the president having had his own long-running reality tv show, staging this encounter with a normal worker as if this is something they do, as if anyone can just walk up to the white house and drop off food, going through the motions of this charade regardless, because a billion dollar consulting firm told them it's what people like, while the president explains why he didn't post an AI image of himself as Jesus Christ, in response to a flame war with the Pope, because the Pope quoted the Bible.