cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1538559

7/12/2023

To nobody, thin air, and the universe

The motor cortex in the brain activates

yet my mouth stays silent

"Something, get something out

Contribute so that you don't feel like a creep" My heart, screams those words

yet the action feels nothing short of a dream

What do you want me to do? How can I be here, in this world

in this room

where I cannot feel like I belong

My heart believes in me, still it does

I'm alive, that's proof of it

Maybe there's just something not right in me

Why won't the words come out

Maybe I unconsciously know it won't lead to anything

A friend, but one that stays in my mind

I'm trying so hard, I still continue to

feels like I'm eating nothing but failures

You know, when I walk, I see the people as dots

small, black dots

not because I see them as obstacles

but I see myself as one

If someone could tell me they see me

Me trying would mean something I feel like I'm going insane

Because when it rains

I see nothing but tears

"Don't do it now, there are people here"

Not like it matters, I'm not there in the room, even if they see me

"Okay, you're alone now, let it out my friend" All of it saying is my heart

Does it really matter anymore if I give away to my isolation or if I give it my all to socialize

what is the difference? is there any that meets the mere eye?

The very essence of a human being is one to connect

Social animals, as they say

I am one too

but deprived of all the social means that make me a human

Am I even a human anymore?

Why do I exist

I scream and I scream but nobody cares

because nobody is there

I've told this countless times

that I feel like an invisible soul

Like the shore besides the sea

its waves, beautiful crescendo of waves

but alas its midnight

Midnight is every second for me

Maybe I should be trying harder

I just don't know what to do

for now I lay in the bed, alone in my room

as my heart soothes me with tunes

and tells me that it is too soon

"When the time comes, so shall your fortune" Empty words don't have empty meanings

the meaning is simply that the heart has given up too

15/12/2023

It matters how if I read today or tomorrow Won't change the world, nor my sorrow Give me happiness, and my love you can borrow

A world of snakes is all it is A few who're not also don't exist Come in my life and I'll believe your will

Happy friends is all it takes For me to stay awake for just this time, to let me say that I won't die, and to mean it this time Because I can be saved by you if I tried anyway But you, my love exist so far and you, my friend don't exist at all So what's the point besides the fall I won't be saved by the time you call

Knife, roof, or pills you choose and I'll oblige until Until you face my eyes and slap my face for even trying to think of this as a waste

but you aren't here, and you aren't there you are a screen who I just fear won't come true and I'll just sear over the skies waiting

not you I blame but if at least if I had others like yourself to keep me sane someone who would come by the lane when it rains, no raincoat but only us to blame getting wet as we laugh away the pains it is all in my head and like everything that is this is also to go in vain

so again, I repeat, pills, roof, or knife so that I can not submit to this life "none" you would say and I'll continue this strife

When will it forever end, I've chanted since the beginning I fear it has already made its way to the past I keep repeating and inventing new endings when I'm only creating the preludes to something more and more destructive in me

Why can't I just be free? From this entity called time.

Only time will tell Until then, be my friend? Alas I'm only talking to walls Just for the millionth time I hope there is someone behind them

~lav

I'm revisiting my fav. clips from my fav piece of art of all time, Bojack Horseman. And I'm crying again. This show means so much to me, yet its so depressing. I find it so fucking funny, yet so sad, that the protagonist's life is one full of suicidal ideations and depression, and that is with a shit ton of addictions. And here I am, feeling the same without any of that, it was like I was made to feel shallow and empty, it was like my soul was never born with my body. The character is toxic to everyone and to himself, out of which his relationships are all dysfunctional. I'm not toxic, yet I feel dysfunction in my relationships and with myself, even though that may not truly be the case. I'm so fucked up. I can never convince myself that someone truly will cry like I am crying right now, for me, if I jumped. I can never convince myself that someone can selflessly love me and care for me. All that exists in my mind is a sense of extreme doubt and paranoia. All that exists in my heart is a love I give for others without any question, which I can't really receive without my own delusions intervening. I cannot receive love. I feel it but I'm not loved because I don't believe one ounce of it. I am so embarrassingly fucked up. It's so funny.

but hey, at least I have a favorite show, and I found my favorite song out of it. Let's rejoice.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4VlJbvK8wQFuIvAdMNw1Qu?si=37bc78098adb4661

There are bigger things happening right now, and this isn't particularly important to me. This is just for people who talk to me regularly/casually, want to talk to me, refer to me in conversations, or anyone vaguely interested.

Around the middle to end of last year was when I realized that the patriarchal monogamous nuclear family that capitalism pushes on everyone isn't really for me.

Lately I've felt the same for the concept of gender, gender norms and (especially) the binary that is pushed on, specifically for the purpose of division of labor between the nuclear cishet family (which effectively functions as private property) and to exploit the woman to an even greater extent.

So yeah, fuck it.

Pronouns for now are they/he. Will move on to they/them once I feel more comfortable.

Don't give this too much importance anyway, I'd rather you read Wretched of the Earth instead to get a better understanding of what's going on.

you can message me if you want a pdf.

BYE!

What the Great October Socialist Revolution did was put the power in hands of the people, and started its construction of a world without any class struggle, or a state to divide classes. It shattered the illusion of oppression being the only reality, and paved the way towards proletarian internationalism. Today is indeed one of the days that shook the world.

Lenin walks around the world

Frontiers cannot bar him

Neither barracks nor barricades impede.

Nor does barbed wire scar him.

Lenin walks around the world

Black, brown, and white receive him.

Language is no barrier.

The strangest tongues believe him.

Lenin walks around the world.

The sun sets like a scar.

Between the darkness and the dawn,

There rises a red star.

~Langston Hughes

I thought I hated one of my lecturers, he seemed like he thought too much of himself as an academic, morally superior or whatever, and he has been cold to me a couple of times. I looked at his twitter and he retweeted some pro palestine shit and one related to RATM so I guess you shouldn't really judge a book by its cover eh?

even if it isn't much this is a start, I don't think he's a hardcore Marxist or whatever but even by retweeting this shit in the imperial core he is risking his job, which is a huge start.

Would you like to see partnerships of lemmygrad/hexbear with leftist internet personalities for projects and events to bring leftists together and act as a common platform for a united and more accessible internet left?

vote/comment your thoughts!