GayTuckerCarlson

By Théophile Steinlen (1896)

https://www.politico.com/news/2025/05/01/trump-rename-veterans-day-victory-day-for-world-war-i-00323118

https://www.cnbc.com/2025/05/01/microsoft-raises-prices-of-xbox-video-game-consoles-and-controllers.html

"I'm actually really normal, I love being an average normal with my normal life". The embattled editor in chief of Fake News Times GayTuckerCarlson is refuting claims of aggravated posting, which could land the disgraced former Fox News host to spend a minimum of 15 years in Hexbear federal prison if found guilty

"I have percs, molly, quaaludes, whatever you need I got it" said the broadcaster after being approached by a Newsmega reporter. Carlson is in a fraught legal battle, fighting for her freedom after being accused of making terrible posts and also drunk driving. "This is not true. Lets be clear, every post Ive ever made has been good, more than good, inspiring"

"History will absolve me"

Fake News Times was first launched in 1942 as a newspaper for troops serving on the front lines of WW2 to provide entertainment and news from home. Languishing in obscurity, Falsche Nachrichtenzeiten, as it was known at the time, was purchased by the powerful Melina Media Group which owns other international news outlets such as The Times in the UK, Australia's Sky News, and holds a large minority ownership of the Hexbear flagship media forum News Mega, LLC. When asked why this seemingly illogical purchase was made in 1992, famed CEO Melina Soprano stated "I'm inventing vapes so I can take a hit off my vape instead of answering this question".

Prosecutors allege that Carlson has made several bad and low quality posts over many years in internet journalism, which is a crime in Hexbear territories after the passing of the Crown Criminal Law Reform Act of 1998. "The Royal Policing Service takes all cases of low effort posting seriously, and we will prosecute Tucker Carlson to the fullest extent of the law." said an unnamed Hexbear official, citing fear of retaliation from crazed online fans. Under oath during a pre trial hearing, lawyers for the embattled editor stated that Carlson was willing to sign an affidavit affirming her normalness, including ending all claims of homosexuality. "This has nothing to do with the case. Ma'am, will you please just enter of plea of guilty or not guilty to driving while under the influence". "My penis is normal too" retorted the high profile defendant before judge Carcosa called another recess.

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Country singer and convicted felon Brace Beldon found dead by Vatican Swiss Guard after shooting the embattled tech ceo for "attempting to give the pope a second round of double pneumonia". Swiss Guard say they opened fire on the controversial professor after he stated his intent to travel to Rome

"Brace [Beldon] was on stage about preform a new melody" said embattled Witness Robert F Kennedy Jr. "And all of sudden these two Nation of Islam guys walk in holding guns. [Brace] Beldon rose his hands up and said "be cool brothers" but they just [expletive] shot him".

Beldon was take to the nearby Des Moines Gay Men's Hospital Children's Wing and was declared dead 30 minutes after arriving. Doctors says they made heroic efforts to collect the embattled congressman sperm, which has already been sent back to Beldons native home country of TacoBell-Israel-PizzaHut

Embattled Mayor of Des Moines Lou King said of the shooting "We thank the officers of the Swiss Guard for keeping us safe from Prussians, and ask that everyone in the community please come together in this trying time."

UPDATE: The witness in the article recanted his statement after being informed he had just witness the death of celebery fitness influencer Brace Beldon, and not embattled Civil Rights Activist malcolm x