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To follow this allegory through:
You can get the tools to work on the foundation.
Will it be cheap, easy? No. Require lots of learning, effort, time, fuck ups, and sacrifice? Yes.
At some point you become responsible for the damaged foundation. No, you are not responsible for how it got cracked or who damaged it, but it’s yours to leave broken or try to repair, hopefully not make worse or pass on to someone else.
To follow this allegory further:
Sometimes the foundation is fucked up beyond repair. You've brought in specialists, gotten quotes, made repairs, tried old and tested, new and modern, but the experts have told you the foundation is simply fucked and the building is not safe and it never will be with this foundation.
At some point you become aware the damaged foundation is irreparable. The building isn't safe and it never was, it's amazing it's somehow still standing even now.
So do you go build a new building and hope your experience in broken foundations can help you build a strong resilient one? Or do you do what you can to avoid ever being responsible for another foundation out of fear and understanding that you can't maintain strong foundations and don't want to put other buildings at risk?
You can build a frame around the building like a seismic upgrade. The foundation might be fucked still but by building a strong frame around its base and lower floors you can keep it from falling apart when shit gets shaky.
if you're rich it doesn't matter if your building sucks because you can pay people to support it for you
If you are poor or middle class you just have to learn to accept that your parents built you with a faulty foundation and it is up to you to do something about it if you want to succeed. You can't rely on paying others to fix you unless your therapy is covered.
I kinda floated through life for 32 years until I woke up from my first day using CPAP properly and was aware of being aware for the probably the first time in my life. The last 12 years are much more fulfilling and productive than all those other decades.
Can I jump of this allegory for a sec? I think I got lost. Are you referring to having kids yourself even though you know you have mental issues to work on? That is one of the reasons I hear for not wanting to have kids. If you don't want kids don't have them. I'm childfree myself.
If you want kids then have kids. If you have love and want to share it by bringing a baby into the world, good luck. We need people like that. Knowing that you have a messed up foundation will help you build a better one.
I was talking about this to my niece recently. Her dad is messed up, but less messed up then her grand dad. We try to heal the scares of the previous generation and not pass on anymore trauma. Plenty of people fail at that, but if you are asking the questions like 'Will I be a good parent?' then chances are you are doing it right.
36 years is long enough to have started something to try and fix the foundations though. Like some kind of ground stabilising cementitious grout injection.
Maybe try that with your life?
Only if you haven't surrounded yourself with other like them. The thing about discovering how screwed up your family is involves distancing yourself from them. The more you discover how those silences you experience with others are them being shocked at your fun family stories is a real eye opener.
So bury your parents in cement
He accidentally made an argument for not blaming your parents since you'd move out of the building rather than continue moving to various floors in it.
Yeah, at a certain point, you can continue to blame them, but the responsibility to fix it ultimately falls on you regardless. Go ahead and blame them, but don’t use it as an excuse to not work on yourself and improve.
Like most difficulties in life, be it trauma, neurodivergance, or any number of other issues; they're explanations, not excuses.
Blame is a mechanism specifically designed to absolve oneself of responsibility. "Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know this fucked up thing I do is because my mom didn't tie my shoelaces properly.". The people affected by your actions don't need to know why you do this fucked up thing, they just want you to stop doing it to them.
It can be, and is often used that way, but it doesn't have to be.
And, generally, knowing the root causes of problems helps in best figuring out how to fix them.
My therapist mentioned its 80% awareness, 20% adding effective skills. But it can take a long ass time to rewire the engrained habits with new neuropathways habitually remembering and applying effective skills
Yeah basically all my problems were my dad's fault, but fixing them was my responsibility. The blame is fine for diagnosing the issue, but it's not a solution.
You can't really move out though. The metaphor is that your parents construct the lower floors of your building based on how they raised you. In real life, you can't un-raise yourself or rewrite history, so moving out and into a new building with better foundations isn't an option. Best you can do is get some outside help to throw in some external supports for those shaky lower floors.
If each floor of the building is a year in your life, what does moving out mean in this metaphor?
Self termination
So you don't understand metaphor?
Go on then - "move out" and build a new society... Whilst you're at it, stop aging or "moving up floors".
Fucking how are people so munted they don't understand metaphor?
Honestly, this is very validating to hear since I'm about to cut contact with my mother and elder siblings.
I read a book about cutting ties to toxic people. I wrote a list and included my parents. Absolute night and day on my mental health and my professional health.
I didn't "cut them" like full on ghosting. But keeping my distance and chatting with them once a year.
I'm rooting for your success.
Thats a hard decision to make, congrats on having the courage to take that step in your life.
Moving out? In this economy???
Well, at 36 i was still begining to understand how they fucked me up lol, still working on getting over it lmao
It's from this special which is on YouTube.
Edit: it's an amazing special. Hilarious throughout.
That’s sure one way to sit in a chair lol
Next thing you know you're noticing his elbows!
Half of my problems stems from my parents, the other half from all the bullying and a system that lets it perpetuate. I'm so fucked up in the head because of all that and I'm still trying to come to grips with it. Cannot afford therapy so it's a lone task.
Honestly, this. My current work place does a lot to be supportive, but after so many years of abuse and misunderstanding from crappy authority figures it's really hard to trust that they'll have my back.
You can stop blaming them if they are dead or no-contact, sure
Their choice still leave last effects, not just on you, but on society. I mean boomers tend to vote a certain way. Generational issues tend to cause the "bad foundation".
How do you dare to tell me that I'm my father's son
When that was just an accident of birth
I'd rather look around me, compose a better song
'Cause that's the honest measure of my worth
