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[-] taladar@sh.itjust.works 138 points 1 year ago

Being on friendly terms with past partners is another one. Or for that matter cherishing the memories of the good times with those partners. A lot of people seem to think that after a breakup you should hate your ex forever and burn all pictures, throw away any object they ever gave you,... but that is actually quite unhealthy (unless abuse or stalking or similar things were involved of course). If a relationship does not work out that doesn't mean that other options, such as friendship, might not be on the table and even if they aren't that doesn't mean you can't treat each other like regular acquaintances when you randomly meet somewhere. Obviously they might not be an option immediately after a breakup but once time has dulled the pain a bit a friendship is absolutely possible with someone you initially shared enough interests with to try a relationship.

[-] Sequentialsilence@lemmy.world 29 points 1 year ago

I feel that. It may be hard to believe but the breakup was amicable. It’s just really hard to make a 7 time zone difference work, especially almost 20 years ago when video chat was not what it is today. The few times we had together I really do cherish, but it was not the right time or place. We’re now only 1 time zone apart and haven’t seen each other since her wedding, but we do still keep up with each other periodically.

It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.

[-] taladar@sh.itjust.works 19 points 1 year ago

It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.

That is even possible if you have no desire to spend time with them yourself any more. Not everyone who is incompatible with you is a bad person who deserves a bad life, in fact most people are not.

[-] Damaskox@kbin.social 23 points 1 year ago

I recall someone asking "Then why did you break up if you are good buds?".
Sometimes it's easier being friends rather.

Exes belong to life and memories as much as anyone in any other role. No need to forget them any more or less than anyone else (painful feelings and memories are another story).

Sometimes you can take a pause after a breakup to kill feels and later come back to friendly terms.

[-] taladar@sh.itjust.works 106 points 1 year ago

When they mention that someone else is attractive. This is often seen as a red flag by people with insecurities but really it means your partner trusts you enough to actually mention such attractions. The state some insecure people want is that their partner is never attracted to anyone else but that is completely unrealistic. So the actual choice is between honesty and lies. And you do not want your partner to have to constantly watch every word they utter around you to coddle your insecurities as that will likely lead to worse communication between you in general. This goes for other topics as well of course but jealousy inducing ones are very common.

[-] Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com 19 points 1 year ago

My fiancee and I always point out good looking/hot people to each other. No trust issues, we're both with each other because we want to. Nothing forcing us to stay together.

[-] finestnothing@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago

My parents both do this, but they're bisexual swingers... So the moral of the story is that there can be many reasons for doing things

[-] selokichtli@lemmy.ml 93 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

To be nice or friendly with kids.

[-] RGB3x3@lemmy.world 33 points 1 year ago

As a man (I know starting a sentence that way can also be a red flag), I'm always nervous when kids interact with me.

It feels like I'm being judged harshly for just wanting to be friendly and that I could so quickly be accused of being a pervert or worse.

So I just don't interact with them.

My policy as a recently new father will also probably be that I won't have my daughter's friends over when I'm the only adult present.

[-] Akuchimoya@startrek.website 26 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Get this: my friend is "not allowed" to be left alone with his daughter. His own daughter. If wife needs to go out without baby, baby gets dropped off at grandparents (wife's parents) instead of just staying home with dad. What's even more ridiculous is his profession is early childhood educator. He's more qualified than most other parents out there, male or female. I don't know how he puts up with being insulted like that.

[-] Ookami38@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 year ago

That's actually disgusting. Does he want it like this for some reason? Is there something in the past? Or is it just "penises will rape, that's what they do"?

[-] Akuchimoya@startrek.website 12 points 1 year ago

I don't know how he puts up with it, but I do know why. He was alone since he was a teen, and now his wife and in-laws are his only family. His dream has always been having a family and community. He'll bend over backwards to please his in-laws. It's unfortunate they treat him like that, and while his wife is sweet, she's a pushover and doesn't stand up for him.

Why the in-laws are like that? I don't know.

[-] ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 10 points 1 year ago

Why the in-laws are like that? I don't know.

Projection. Definitely projection. Makes me trust them a lot less & I'm scared for that little girl.

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[-] charlytune@mander.xyz 10 points 1 year ago

That's beyond insulting, I'd call that a controlling / abusive relationship. And if his wife seriously thinks he's a risk to their child why the fuck would she have a baby with him and stay with him? That poor kid is going to grow up with a really damaging view of men, male / female relationships, and parental relationships.

[-] RainfallSonata@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago

Of course it makes little sense that he would go along with this. But why in god's name would she want to stay married to someone she doesn't trust with his own children?

[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 9 points 1 year ago

He’s probably been trained to expect heavy punishment for standing up for himself

[-] gamermanh@lemmy.dbzer0.com 13 points 1 year ago

I HAVE been accused of being a pervert, once, and it was fucking weird

Was at the store and some kid walked up to me thinking I was my dad (works at a local school and we look a lot alike, have the same name even)

Told the kid nah, that he had mistaken me for my dad, and then suddenly his mom appears and grabs the kid while telling me to "stay away from her kid you long haired freak"

Again, I look like my dad (he also has long hair) to the point of this kid mistaking me for him, yet I was still some random creep to this lady

People stop seeing normal human dudes in public once a kid is around and it can really suck sometimes

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[-] space_of_eights@lemmy.ml 10 points 1 year ago

What kind of society or culture considered being friendly towards children a red flag? Spoken as both a father of two and former child: you can be friendly to children without being a creep.

[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 17 points 1 year ago

Spoken as a non-father it’s not so easy.

I accept the risk because I refuse to participate in a system that cuts off kids from the adults around them, but I know that when I talk to a child I’m almost certainly going to be seen as a pedophile for it.

[-] Valmond@lemmy.mindoki.com 7 points 1 year ago

I was going for just being nice and helpful.

[-] taladar@sh.itjust.works 92 points 1 year ago

Not talking all the time when spending time together. Being able to just quietly enjoy each other's company sometimes is actually a good thing since it allows both partners to relax without constantly worrying about keeping their partner's attention or keeping them entertained.

[-] schmorpel@slrpnk.net 43 points 1 year ago

Currently sitting next to silent bf silently. We just grunt at each other for days in a row. Live with someone wanting constant interaction = hell.

[-] bfg9k@lemmy.world 41 points 1 year ago

My wife and I have a whole system:

  • one grunt = I love you / thanks
  • two grunts = I want attention and love
  • one long grunt = I am in whine mode and want to talk about it
  • two short grunts = I want to fuck you
  • three short grunts = I'm hungry and want snacks
[-] mycatiskai@lemmy.one 12 points 1 year ago

What happens if you don't hear the first of three short grunts? Does one of you wonder why the other one is naked when they really just want a burrito?

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[-] Blankmann@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago

Tim? How's Mr. Wilson these days? lol

[-] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 year ago

So the cherries and whipped cream are for five grunts. Interesting.

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[-] Damaskox@kbin.social 65 points 1 year ago

Taking some time to calm down during a fight if getting angry/sad/whatever.
The other party might think that you are running away.

Make sure they know that you continue once calmed down.

[-] Donebrach@lemmy.world 15 points 1 year ago

It’s very important, if you need, to take a short rest to recover some HP at the least or a long rest if you need your party at full fighting potential.

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[-] Saigonauticon@voltage.vn 52 points 1 year ago

Not having a Facebook profile. I've had someone initially refuse to associate with me on the basis that they couldn't investigate my life beforehand.

I just laughed and asked them how they managed to survive before the Internet (we were both old enough). We both got over the weirdness of the situation, built a robot, and were friends for a while before they moved away.

[-] ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 12 points 1 year ago

I'm sad now that I've never had a "build a robot together" friend

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[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 47 points 1 year ago

If a person can readily describe their failings it could seem like a red flag because they have failings, but everyone has failings and being aware of them is a positive.

[-] taladar@sh.itjust.works 46 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Making life choices different from the societal standard (e.g. not wanting children or not wanting a marriage). Sure, if your own desires are incompatible with that you might need to find someone else but a lot of people who do go with the societal standard actually just do so because they never thought about alternatives and have a rather romanticized notion of that default option and might still grow to regret it later which can then often lead to breakups/divorce if that only happens to one partner in the relationship. People who make different choices at least thought about what they want. Basically you want a partner who has already thought about these and not one who only discovers their actual preferences on these options a few years into your relationship.

[-] Damaskox@kbin.social 12 points 1 year ago

So many ladies have asked me why I don't want kids that I needed to make a list 😂
Copy-pasting is easier and much faster 😂

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[-] penguin@sh.itjust.works 41 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

For people who value reading: if they have no books on their shelves. They might be avid readers of ebooks, or just use the library.

But this should clear itself up with a rather simple discussion started by mentioning a book you read recently.

[-] danhakimi@kbin.social 19 points 1 year ago

But not having books on your shelves is not a green flag, it just might not be a red flag.

[-] ChexMax@lemmy.world 16 points 1 year ago

The most prolific readers I know use the library almost exclusively. Real book a week people don't buy the books they read! They'd be broke!

That said, they still own a million books because even if they're only buying a fraction, they still fill up their bookcases

[-] Nath@aussie.zone 7 points 1 year ago

My bookshelf is a time capsule of books until about 15 years ago when I got my first ebook reader. Everything has been digital since then.

I have a library membership of course, but I mostly make use of a digital ebook subscription service. It's so much easier than reserving books and wait-lists for the digital catalogue of the library.

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[-] calypsopub@lemmy.world 38 points 1 year ago

Being underemployed. As long as they meet their obligations, I applaud people who don't live for work.

[-] Pantherina@feddit.de 34 points 1 year ago

All these stupid "ignore them to seem attractive because interested = unsexy"

Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.

Having actively broken up a past relationship, knowing barriers.

Hanging out with friends rather than you sometimes, which is really important "relationship time management"

[-] 520@kbin.social 46 points 1 year ago

Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.

I find it absurd that virginity or lack thereof has any bearing.

[-] otp@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 year ago

Experience is often good to have.

[-] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 20 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

100%, people who fetishize virginity are fucking weird and people who "preserve their virginity" usually have some weird culty background that they'll need to work through.

Sex is just sex.

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[-] Damaskox@kbin.social 8 points 1 year ago

I guess it feels magical to be someone's first.
But as @otp said - experience brings knowledge of yourself and others and can make stuff more enjoyable and easier to do.

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[-] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 33 points 1 year ago

Any size.

If you're colorblind.

[-] xmunk@sh.itjust.works 20 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Being a healthy weight - as misinterpreted by shallow young people that "want dat thigh gap".

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[-] SSUPII@sopuli.xyz 11 points 1 year ago

Them being happy for how they are, like myself being happy while larger.

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this post was submitted on 12 Dec 2023
144 points (93.9% liked)

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