ADHD

'Everyone has a little bit of ADHD'

Everyone is a little bit fat/skinny too. It's only a problem when it's so intense that it starts impacting your life negatively.

Oh wow. You described my life REALLY well.

I was almost 40 when I decided to read a book about ADHD so I could better understand my new stepson. As the book is explaining how an ADHD mind works I kept thinking, wait, that's not normal?!?

Background - I have struggled my whole life with life. My apartment is constantly messy save a few weeks out of the year, my insurance goes un updated and I drive illegally, I do not speak to people for days on end (family included), deadlines are almost never met, the phrase 'anything without immediate and serous consequence, is invisible and impossible to do' is very accurate to my entire life.

This sounds like moderate to severe executive dysfunction which, while a common hallmark of ADHD, can also manifest in other contexts like ASD, PTSD, depression and anxiety, neurological & neurodegenerative conditions, etc.

Question: Is ADHD/ADD really this debilitating, or must it be a combination of things?

It absolutely can be this debilitating all on it's own

Why isnt this treated as a severe disability?

ADHD is recognized legally and medically as a disability, and its severity can range from mild to severe. It doesn't get treated as a severe disability by the general public because it's an "invisible" disability, which don't get much respect, plus most people's exposure to ADHD is to cases that aren't severe

I initiated an assessment with a psychologist outside of my insurance coverage as it has been too difficult for me to navigate the system so I am paying out of pocket.

Gonna DM you about this

Welcome to the club. It sounds like you have a journey of learning and healing. I personally find some YouTube channels helpful you may want the check out:

https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg

https://youtube.com/@howtoadhd

I know it can be really hard. You will probably oscillate between "This is fine, I got this" and "This is impossible and it will never get better". Just know your not alone in the experience and you are capable of improving things. It will take time and help, but you can do it.

It is so hard to read that much text and I had to go back 4 times to get most of it. First, good luck. You have the hardest part tackled: you know how much deviation there is between you and "normal" and can now see how much you have changed (when it comes time to recognize your personal growth).

It's important to see how much you change.

Otherwise I have nothing else to add that hasn't been said by others. You're doing great and it's hard to see where you are as "great" but you're now aware of yourself like a lucid dreamer in a dream. Your desire for change is deliberate and will be met with much failure but failure only lasts until we start trying again. If you don't want to think of yourself as a failure, never stop trying. You got this.

That developmental comment strikes me as more autistic, and I'm not sure if that's even accurate for ADHD. My understanding is that it's based off serotonin receptor issues that ultimately result in reduced executive functioning capability. Basically the brain literally doesn't release the reward chemical as appropriate, so we hyper fixate on immediate reward.

Most people saying shit like "everyone is a little X" are just being dismissive. Maybe they don't care, maybe they don't want to talk about it, but you're probably not convincing them. I'd probably keep it short with something along the lines of "Most people drink sometimes too, but some people are alcoholics. The difference is severity."

I'll be real, I don't often discuss my "conditions" outside of my spouse, my immediate family, and close friends. I don't go out of my way to hide it, but I'm not exactly volunteering it.

Anyway, the difference in a lot of these sort of things that people say everyone is a little bit of, is the severity as mentioned earlier.

Like for depression: Yeah, everyone gets sad sometimes. Most people can probably recall a time where something made them sadder than made logical sense. Most people don't have trouble finding happiness in literally everything, truly believe the world would be better off without them in it, seriously plan suicide methods and weigh the pros and cons of technique, and have such literal and real problems getting out of bed in the morning that sometimes they just don't.

OCD: Everyone has certain things they're extra particular about. Most people don't spend 6 hours in a frenzied panic scrubbing their whole body raw because they found a small hair they didn't recognize on their shirt.

ADHD: Everyone has issues focusing sometimes. Most people don't have a near full incapability to deal with things that only have long term effects. Most people don't have trouble maintaining focus on things for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Most people are able to more regularly force themselves to do what they should rather than what is the most immediately gratifying.

These aren't the best examples, but I hope I get the point across.

And don't discount the depression and anxiety diagnoses either. Depression is pretty frequently co-morbid with ADHD, as far as I know.

Personally, I'm on some ADHD meds, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety. ADHD meds took me probably 5 years of dedicated trying with my Dr to find the right one and dosage that worked for me (this was before quick and extended release meds were a thing). Anti-depressants have luckily been a one and done, got it right the first time. Got on them when I realized that while I had plenty of reasons to be sad, it was preventing me from being able to reliably get out of bed in the morning and do basic care things like showering on a regular basis. Had a period where I didn't leave my room except to eat for a few months. Tried breaking from them a few times and confirmed they're still needed. Similar with anti-anxiety. Got it right the first time. Got them when I realized I was literally unable to leave work at work and would just loop stressful shit from my workday in my head during my downtime. Was having stress nightmares about being at work. Same thing, took a break and the shit came back so... yeah.