Ask Lemmy

Condom's always on. What I have been told in sex-ed back in the days: you need to be in an exclusive relationship with your partner for over a month, then both take a blood test for STI. Only if you come both clean, show each other your test results, only then you're good to go without condoms.

If a guy ever tells you he doesn't like condoms, it feels bad or whatever BS excuse like that, you tell him to:

1. Read the fucking manual on the box to learn how to put it on correctly
2. Get the right size for his dick

Condoms don't feel bad if you wear the correct size and put it on correctly.

You can have STIs without knowing it. STIs can kill you. No, you are not overreacting

I a guy, and I've had a number of hookups. I wouldn't ever even question someone asking me to wear a condom (though, to be fair, I'd choose to wear one also). You don't know the other person. Unless you just really get the sense you can trust them, it could all be a lie. Your boundaries aren't a debate. Honestly, if I were you, I would have kicked them out. If they're questioning that boundary I wouldn't want to find out where it ends.

A dumb question. STDs are still rife.

No, absolutely not. Any guy who pushes back against condom use is not worth sleeping with. I've been with my BF for years at this point and we still (usually) use condoms because it gives me more peace of mind.

"Do I look like some STD-ridden guy?"

"Well, STD-ridden guys tend to refuse condoms. That's how they got their STDs. So you tell me."

On STDs: some are so sneaky one can get them without even having sex in the first place, and sometimes don't hurt the person that has it at least in a spectacular way.

If you want him to wear a condom, he wears a condom. If he wants to wear a condom, he wears a condom. Its that easy.

But specifically for hookups/people you font know that well its proper etiquette to always wear a condom unless discussed otherwise (if you're both fine with it, and have discussed your health/have recently been tested)

“Yes, actually. I assume everyone has STDs until they take a test to prove otherwise. It’s just safer that way. You’re literally hooking up with me, so I assume this isn’t the first time you’ve hooked up with someone. Can you vouch for everyone you’ve been with before me? And do you trust everyone I’ve been with before you?”

Like bro, you’re a fool if you’re offended when someone asks you to wear a condom. That is so concerning that I’d never contact him again. Someone who is OFFENDED at being asked to use protection is giant walking red flag.

I’m sorry you even have to ask if you were being too pushy. You weren’t. He was being insane. It’s YOUR body, you get to decide what you’re comfortable with. Never let someone pressure you into being less safe than you want.

You did the right thing in insisting!

Others have said it well but I want to just say that you shouldn't think of this in terms of "being a pushover". You were setting boundaries and if those boundaries aren't being respected, then you shouldn't be sexually active with that person.

The way he worded his question suggests that actually he might have some STDs. Because he didn't say, hey, I got tested two months ago and haven't slept with anyone around then or since. In other words, he could have comforted you on the STD front, but he chose not to, because he was accidentally being honest.

Also, because the two of you don't know each other that well, it's better for everyone if both parties are extra safe. Because you just don't have that long track record.

No. The IUD is none of his business. Maybe you don't want an STD, maybe you dont want to deal with the mess all night...who knows... But it should never be a debate, and if it is, buddy can go find another velvet underground.. And yeah, you really cant trust people these days, trust is earned!

STD's are no joke, wrap it before you tap it.

Speaking as a cishet man, the only time any two people can have unprotected sex is when both parties know the STD status of each other. He has to understand that IUDs are for pregnancy prevention, not STD prevention. If you wish to continue with this guy and at some point you want to start having unprotected sex with him, go get STD tested together. In the meantime, he has to wear the condom. If that bothers him, dump him. Don't put your body and your life at risk.

was I being a pushover?

Only if you let randos decide for you.

That said, I personally would never see someone like that again.

There were ways he could have voiced his confusion without being pushy, like "ah, want to be doubly-protected, eh?" and then proceed to put it on.

IMO it's good practice to, at the very least, START any physical relation with barriers. If you want to move away from them over time, that's something all parties need to give enthusiastic consent for.

Not if you like avoiding STDs.

No, it's your body, if you're not comfortable then you get to draw the line. The fact he argued with you about it is a red flag IMO.

hold up. let's ignore the fact that you have an IUD, and that you were both clean.

any sexual partner that throws shade about wearing a condom should be put on an automatic "no-fuck" list. the only exception to this is if you have been regularly raw-dogging without complaint.

point is, your partner was trying to compel you to remove safe sex protections that you were comfortable with. this isn't the first time they have done this with a partner and implies they have unprotected sex regularly.

you got lucky, this time. if safe sex is important to you, you need to set those ground rules and not allow your partners to dissuade you, because one day you will regret it.

the next time this happens and they try to guilt you into fucking them raw just tell them, "I guess it's alright, I don't have any condoms small enough to fit you." I can guarantee the mood will be dead and you won't have to tell them to wear a condom again.

For me personally, it's bit of a red flag if the pregnancy/std conversation doesn't happen before sex. I need to know that you take the risks as seriously as I do. I'm not into guys, but I definitely wouldn't be into a guy this dismissive about my safety.

Well "being a pushover" is the opposite, if you'd relented and let him hit raw then you'd be a pushover. I think you meant "being pushy," isn't English fun lmao.

But also no dude it's not just for babby but also STD, he shouldn't trust you either. On the "no std" nor the "has any form of birth control" tbh, women lie about that (and the no std part) all the time, multiple have lied to me about it and I'm just one dude.

Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?

Who do you think would say such a thing?

1. a partner that loves and respects you.
2. an STD-riddled guy.

imma say Number 2 for 1000.

Nope. Feeling a way about how others should treat your body is never over the top. Rules is rules and rule-breakers get to walk home all sad-face.

I hope you had a good time in the end!

Stop fucking assholes, pick someone better

I teach Sex Ed. - most STIs are asymptomatic most of the time, especially for those assigned male at birth. HPV for example can lead to cervical cancer and dude would never know he had it. So, do with that what you will but by his response alone I'd assume he isn't wearing them as often as he can get away with it and you can hope all his sexual partners get tested regularly or you can be safe and protect your safety over his comfort.

No, it's absolutely not over the top. It's your choice. And if you want to fuck only with a condom, there either is used a condom, or no fucking.

Condoms are only 85% effective for pregnancy, 70% for STIs.

Red flag, this guy is an asshole.

"Do you think I'm some STD-ridden guy?"

Based on your willingness to rawdog strangers, yes.

Yeah always wear protection if you don't know the person. If someone is not willing to that's a serious red flag. Your body, your choice

This would make sense if you were in a relationship for years... a hookup? nah man get the goddamn condom on

Of course not. In fact its the norm. He's fucking weird.

If a guy makes a fuss over putting on a condom at all, then I'd consider him as out for future dates.

No contraceptive option is 100% and being concerned about STIs with hook ups is a VERY valid reason. He may have something and not exhibiting signs yet to be recognized.

"Do you think I'm some STD-ridden guy?!"
Now i do.

STDS are a pain in the ass (often literally). so be careful, ultimately both parties must be in agreement about the protection used.

FYI if a man bitches about using condoms he's not someone you should be with

Is requiring the guy to use a condom even though you have an IUD being over the top?

No.

STD's aren't diagnosed (mostly) just by looking at people. That's exactly why they're so tough to eradicate.

Wear protection and protect yourself. You did just fine here. If he is unwilling to be up to your safety needs, then he's not worth keeping around.

Personally, as a guy, I think him just questioning it is enough for you to have rejected him.

The only appropriate response to being told to use a condom is, "Of course I'm going to use a condom."

Open marriage here:

Any time a hookup says they don’t use condoms, it’s a huge red flag. Always ask a partner in a neutral way about condoms to force them to the binary answer.

Example: would you like to use condoms? Do you use condoms? Do you bareback?

If they don’t answer straight, or say they prefer not to use them, move on. It’s really not worth the hassle of even curable STDs (pregnancy fits here), especially if you’re not on Prep. I would never bareback with a stranger without at least using Prep.

perfectly normal to demand it from him, he should have simply stfu

STDs asside, IUD's are not 100% effective. I personally know someone who got pregnant with one and, let me tell you, it is not an experience you want to go through. Especially if you live in a no-abortion state.

The cool thing about contraceptives is that their efficiency is multiplicative. If an IUD is 98% (2 in 100 failure rate) effective and a condom is 80% (20 in 100), you now have a 99.6% (0.4 in 100) effective rate, or a 1 in 250 chance at getting pregnant in a year of regular sex. So, on average you get pregnant once every 125 years.

Look, as someone who is a rawdog hookup connoisseur I can tell you there's nothing wrong with wanting to use a condom nor should you feel any guilt for requesting one. It's an extremely common request and a reasonable request at that. I would be wary if the individual got offended.

It's sad how little some men care about their own health in this regard. Even if a lot of STI are curable, you don't want to spend a couple weeks with syphilis or gonorrhea while you take antibiotics.

A man who isn't automatically wearing a condom with a first time hookup is one of those dumbasses who are the reason STI keep spreading in developed countries despite everyone being educated about them.

It's funny that we went from "AIDS is killing people all over the place" in the 80s to "I had sex with a stranger that does not respect me and it's fine, am I the asshole."

When did people stop respecting themselves? And how could they not learn about this AIDS thing?

It’s no where near over the top, that’s a very normal and good choice. Doesn’t matter what his feelings are, weather you had an IUD or even if it was some other reason. Use a condom, it’s there for a reason.

Not over the top! Wtf?! Fuck that dude (not literally though bc he doesn't deserve it).

Always wear a condom if you don't know somebody's STD status. If you're hooking up with somebody for the first time, you have no clue what they could be exposing you to. People lie about that shit all the time.

If they're expecting you to have casual sex without a condom why tf would it be wise to assume they don't do that shit all the time?