this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2026
60 points (98.4% liked)

Transfem

5234 readers
108 users here now

A community for transfeminine people and experiences.

This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.

Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.

This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.

Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.

Some helpful links:

Support Hotlines:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@piefed.blahaj.zone
60
Got spammed with hateful DMs telling me to kill myself (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 8 hours ago* (last edited 6 hours ago) by AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
NSFW 46 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

By the way this is the second time this has happend.

You know it sucks because I have been feeling suicidal lately and I've been seriously thinking about it. This just makes me want to let go even more.

Fuck the world, Fuck people like this. I don't even feel safe walking outside because I might get attacked or harassed by some right wing asshole who hates me because of who I am. What the fuck is happening. Why do I deserve this? Why? Why? Why?!! I've been crying about this soo much my throat is raw and I can barely cry anymore. It's so unfair. Just because I was born a boy people treat me so horribly. People want to kill me. People want me to die. Well I want to die. I would rather die than live in a world like this. Fuck me, fuck my life. I wish I was never fucking born. FUUUUUCK!

Edit: I'm going to go cry quietly under my bed, it's the place I feel safest right now.

all 47 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] AntiBullyRanger@ani.social 9 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

The astrospammer is digressively victimizing. He’s been spamming multiple communities. So never think you're alone.

He hates me in particular because I broke his fascist lies.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

I couldn't even see what he was saying before I'd blocked him to be sure. So lmao. Either way, also banned him from my sidelemmy to be sure.

[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 6 hours ago

I'm sorry you've had this experience sis. Take things one day at a time. You deserve kindness and acceptance. I hope youre able to find an environment conducive to both those things.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 28 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (1 children)

Block that lad and move on; you are worth existing, that guy isn't worth your attention.

In a world as this one there is always the shining hope of the dawn in where we stand up for each other. Who cares what a bigot says? Caring about each other in solidarity is better.

You rock and I know it.

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 8 hours ago (4 children)

It's not just them, it's everything now. When I walk down the street people stare at me like I'm some abomination. Mothers coax their kids to look away, they walk away. Like I'm scary. Like I'm disgusting. People sneer at me, people make fun of me. Some lady the other day called me a pig because my feet were facing the wrong way in the bathroom. When I went to the library the librarian called me sir constantly even when I asked to be called ma'am nicely. Librarian told me not to be rude and still called me sir. Shit sucks now. The world sucks. People suck. What's the point of being yourself if everyone hates you!

[–] Penguincoder@beehaw.org 16 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I know but it's hard when everyone puts me down or even tries to hurt me. When I feel like I'm so utterly alone and even those who claim to care about me can only give me hollow reassurances about how everything will be alright but I know everything isn't going to be alright. Trump is in office. Ice is killing people. For all I know I'm next. Is that even possible? Maybe? I don't know. I wish I could stop crying. I need to stop crying. I can't stop crying, everything is just so horrible! 😭

[–] YiddishMcSquidish@lemmy.today 2 points 3 hours ago

Internet hug homie. I'm rooting for you girl. You're stronger than all these weak wannabe dictators combined.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (1 children)

Those people don't know you. Should we care what insecurity they have about THEIR own identity? You're a queen and you know it. So own it. Be the based bitch that you want to be.

The fact that you know who you are makes you so much better than these others. Just as I punched an asshole for spitting on me, and don't care what other gaping think, so too can we live our life.

The lady who calls you that is just an asshole seeking for excuses to be an ass. She wants to get a reaction out of you.

Are there other libraries to where you could go? If you live in the US in a red state, why not visit a larger city? People will be more accepting there in general.

I don't pretend to know your situation. But I've grown up in a similar situation, in where I had no friends. And here I am, 25+ years later and doing well. When darkness seems to be at its strongest, we must look for our own light and create it, following what we wish to better. I might be some online pixels to you just as you are to me, but we are both humans. And we have our own hopes and dreams.

Do you have a hobby you like that you can do at home? Things you are grateful for? If not, try taking walks in woods nearby, reading/writing/drawing, playing music. I find they help.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 8 hours ago (2 children)

Are there other libraries to where you could go? If you live in the US in a red state, why not visit a larger city? People will be more accepting there in general.

+1 for moving to a more accepting place like a larger city.

The fact that you know who you are makes you so much better than these others. Just as I punched an asshole for spitting on me, and don’t care what other gaping think, so too can we live our life.

-1 for punching assholes in the face, this is how you end up in jail, and trans people are not treated well there.

There was a trans woman who was brutally attacked in a bar and was chased when she tried to leave, and when she defended herself with some scissors and the attacker died, she went to prison. They put her in a male prison and they wouldn't administer her hormones correctly either until after a petition campaign pressured them to.

Trans folks are vulnerable, so I suggest not taking unnecessary risks. Stay under the radar; part of not giving them a reaction is not reacting to degrading behavior with violence.

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 7 hours ago (2 children)

I'm weak and small, I was even without HRT. If I started a fight with someone, even someone average male strength and size, they could kill me easily and I would be powerless to stop them. Someone did try to kill me once actually, 3 months ago. He tried to strangle me because he thought I looked at his kids, he only let go of me because a woman saw him and screamed. He droppped me and ran so quick I barely saw him running away. I don't know if he was caught. I know I still have nightmares about being strangled, while he yelled at me saying I'm a child molester, and his horrible breath which smelled of pasta sauce.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

Well, those who scream about predators the loudest probably are the scummiest ones themselves. Every accusation is a confession, as I say. You are not one at all and you did well. You are a good person.

If you go to areas with people, it might help to go with someone you know and trust (to not snitch on you either). Seek out queer defense groups. Learn Krav Maga, carry pepper/bear spray with you in a bag. Walk in well-lit areas and be somewhat near crowds with people that seem 'tolerant', know how to get to a safe place.

[–] MisterMKE@midwest.social 3 points 7 hours ago (2 children)

Live to spite the bastards, there evil and you just trying to exist which is ritghteous. I wish there were more peoeple in the world who would protect instead of hurt. But that's the better world were fighting for I guess.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 7 hours ago

is this a Tyler James Robinson appreciation post? (\s)

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

If I ever meet you in real life, if you feel comfy with that, go dress the way you want, even if that doesn't "seem" to pass -- and then I'm going to go with you and shove whoever is a misogynist and transphobe outta the way. Come and seek out clothes, enjoy nature, and life.

I might not be Lean Beef Patty, but I certainly aim to fuck up a hater's day by the sheer spite of my existence :3

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago) (1 children)

The guy I punched in the face spat on me though, and it was during covid. If I were transported back into that time, I would absolutely do it again. I gladly would lose another tooth if I can defend another queer person for this. I've distracted a few guys harassing a gal before by baiting them into chasing me, and bicycling away swiftly. Though maybe I'm living it the dangerous way.

But yeah, your answer is probably a bit more rational. That said, my criticism is that it doesn't matter to these fascists whether we are civil or not - they will chase you either way. It feels like the argument of "schoolgirls shouldn't expose shoulders" which then legitimises all who do so, as possible targets. When in reality, I say, fuck off to that shit. Our live is ours and nobody elses'.

So best be prepared and join bands with solidarity groups, imo.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

I'm not saying what you should have done in particular - I just wouldn't advise other trans people do something that will get them in trouble with the law, since police officers are so unsafe and the legal system is so stacked against us. Stone Butch Blues comes to mind here - there is a long history of police violence and brutality against our community, and it's not over.

Somewhat unrelated, but just so you know - I've also been spit on people, by people who wanted me to fight back so they would have an excuse to beat the shit out of me. I held my shit together and instead glared at them and told them to stop in a firm tone, and (surprisingly) they did.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

True, and I hate it that you are also right. Whatever we do, we must be in solidarity for each other. I'm not gonna criticise you for being civil and glaring - it helped and worked. I appreciate it that you told me that, actually. I don't think we should oppose those who take action in different ways.

I feel like it helps to cooperate your and my tactic; let others be scared of the rebellers and thus more willing to bend toward the civil people. That's what the Black Panthers and MLK did; one pushed harshly, another pulled gently.

I've never heard of the Stone Butch Blues - I'm gonna look into it, thanks sis.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

yeah, don't get me wrong, we absolutely need to fight back - but we need to do that in ways that aren't just CeCe McDonald pulling her little scissors out and desperately fighting off a man who smashed a beer glass on her face and pursued her when she tried to flee. The Black Panthers were an organized group who survived interactions with the police by showing up in force. Individuals on their own get targeted and victimized. When we form groups and fight back together it's much harder to do that.

So I don't really consider punching a bully a form of praxis, nor would I say my decision not to punch was some kind of MLK non-violence in practice - I reject non-violence, but I also reject stupid and risky violence.

Part of the reason we don't have a trans Black Panthers is that we are only 1% of the population, and we're evenly distributed across the population. Except in some rare cases like the Tenderloin in San Francisco or the Meatpacking District in NYC, trans folks have not generally been forced into ghettos together the way racial minorities have been, and that has limited our embodied collective action.

That said, I think trans people might still find protection in groups now through LGBT+ groups. Even if not militant, I do think showing up at a pride parade offers a sense of safety in numbers that connects with what I'm talking about.

Also, personally I lived in the southern US and in the context of an overtly hostile public and being visibly trans, I definitely was more careful about what spaces I went to, and I tended to choose to spend more time in LGBT+ spaces (e.g. there was a trans-owned coffee shop for a time where the community sort of congregated). Part of that is also about having "backup" in the face of random violence or bullying from the public - together we were safer.

Also, I'm not sure I necessarily recommend reading Stone Butch Blues; it's a classic work of queer literature, but it's also a traumatizing read, and not even a particularly trans-affirming book in my opinion. At the very least, read at your own risk.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 8 hours ago (2 children)

this somewhat matches my experience of being visibly trans - it is rough :-(

Some lady the other day called me a pig because my feet were facing the wrong way in the bathroom.

not sure what this means 🤔 Were you peeing standing up facing the toilet, or were you sitting down and your feet just spread wide or something?

I never had someone comment on my feet in the bathroom (new fear unlocked, lol)

What’s the point of being yourself if everyone hates you!

I think this is why a lot of people take HRT and socially transition full-time only once they start to pass; it's not easy being visibly trans out in the world.

I personally socially transitioned before starting HRT, and it was rough. Looking back I think maybe I shouldn't have done that (though I think I would have just repressed and stayed in the closet, so it would have been bad either way).

In terms of what I did to help cope: I basically focused on my transition as much as possible - voice training, makeup, clothes, etc. I poured so much energy and time into anything I could control to feminize and help me pass. For me aligning the way I sounded and looked with who I was wasn't just about passing, it also helped alleviate dysphoria - so I recommend it all around.

In case it's helpful, here's a link to another comment I made with a list of specific things I did that helped with my dysphoria. Maybe it will help you too?

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago) (1 children)

I think this is why a lot of people take HRT and socially transition full-time only once they start to pass

This is what I did as well. My psychologist was of the view that I need to do a real life experience, and I was heavily opposed to that. I wanted to do estrogen before I'd consider dressing more femme. The reason? I'm good with self defence, but I don't want unnecessary gatekeeping and so protested against it. I feel like social transition would be easier for everyone if we could do the hormonal one at the same time, or even before.

So I just dressed femme at home, especially when I videocalled with them, and then back to hoodieing when outdoors. I eventually got what I wanted though. About a year in now, I dress mainly neutrally (or fem, but no skirts), no longer stereotypically masculinely.

I pass according to most people, even strangers. But for myself I don't quite feel it that way yet. Maybe because I hyperfixate on my own looks, because of course, I'm trapped in this uterusless body.

Either way, transphobes don't want "freaks", we want to look like we want to, so the clear answer is, transition at our own pace. And if the phobes are gonna scream, then I'm gonna ask them for a louder megaphone so I can hear them and put on headphones to block them out. Their screams give me energy.

That said, ... out of curiosity, how do you do voice training? I can get my pitch high easily, but femme resonance is hard - in audio recordings I hear a lot of creak even though when I listen to myself irl, I almost don't hear it.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 6 hours ago) (1 children)

Yeah, I never had any gatekeeping for my HRT. I called up my PCP and told them I have gender dysphoria and I wanted a referral to a particular endo. The endo was in the Trans in the South guide and was a gay man, and I think he operated on informed consent. But I also had 3 months of "real life experience" by the time I had my first appointment with the endo. That said, "real-life experience" is just hazing, there is no real benefit to exposing yourself to the risks from going out in public looking like a man in a dress.

Also, I dressed as a woman at home in private anyway - you would think behavior like that would be taken seriously or as substitute for RLE.

I pass according to most people, even strangers. But for myself I don’t quite feel it that way yet. Maybe because I hyperfixate on my own looks, because of course, I’m trapped in this uterusless body.

That describes my situation as well. I stopped being perceived as male around 8 months on HRT (that's also incidentally around when I started to pass with my voice as well).

I don't see a woman in the mirror, but other people see a woman so 🤷‍♀️

That said, … out of curiosity, how do you do voice training? I can get my pitch high easily, but femme resonance is hard - in audio recordings I hear a lot of creak even though when I listen to myself irl, I almost don’t hear it.

I went to a speech language pathologist who exclusively worked with trans patients. I had weekly sessions with her for about a year, and around that 8 months mark I saw major breakthroughs and established a passing voice.

Here's a voice clip I uploaded 10 months ago for Lemmy. I still hear a male voice. :-/ I had to learn that what passes with cis people still sounds male to me. So voice training for me was more about passing than about addressing vocal dysphoria. I'd like to work on vocal dysphoria more, because it's one of the most impactful distressing elements of dysphoria I still experience.

I would have to hear your voice to help better know what's going wrong, but "creaky" could be a lot of things and may or may not be a resonance issue.

Here's a voice training guide from the /r/transvoice discord:

Broadly the two main gendering qualities to a voice are weight and size. With voice training the general idea is to:

  1. ear train: learn to recognize when you weight is heavy vs light, when size is large vs small
  2. mimic and experiment: learn to produce voices that are different weights and sizes, and esp. how to balance those to produce a typical feminine voice (suitably light and small)
  3. practice: just keep listening and recognizing when you're slipping up and to adjust your voice back into the feminine range, over time and lots of persistent practice, this habituates and becomes your voice!

For exploring weight:

For size:

For more about the balance of weight and size:

Videos to help guide expectations for beginners:

For beginners it can also be helpful to explore more achievable lower-pitch feminine voices:

To ear train, it's commonly recommended to listen to and "play along" with Selene's clips:

Note: as you experiment or do any voice training exercise, make sure to pay close attention to:

  • how it sounds to you as you do it,
  • how it sounds when you record it and play it back for yourself,
  • how others report they hear it, and also
  • how it feels (in your body) when you produce the different sounds, keeping mental note so you can reproduce the voice if you need.

Experiments to try:

  • using a pitch detector, sing a note and chant a word while maintain the same pitch, and change resonance/size from dark/large to bright/small while keeping pitch the same
  • using a pitch detector, keep pitch steady and practice going from a heavy to a light weight without changing pitch
  • mimic a large voice, like Patrick from Spongebob, or the Giant from Jack in the Beanstalk
  • mimic a small voice, like when you talk to a baby or a cute puppy or animal, or accessible overfull childish voices, like Ash Ketchum from Pokemon or Dexter from Dexter's Lab
  • mimic a heavy voice
  • mimic a light voice
  • try producing an underfull voice intentionally
  • try producing an overfull voice intentionally
  • try going from full masc to overfull
  • from full masc to underfull
  • from full masc to full fem
  • from full fem back to full masc
  • from underfull to full fem
  • from overfull to full fem
[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 6 hours ago* (last edited 6 hours ago) (1 children)

Damn, jealous. Informed consent only VERY recently became/is going to become a thing here.

I still had to go through 3.5 years of gatekeeping... between 2020 (realisation), 2022 (deciding to actually go for it) and 2025.

I listened to your voice and for me it just passes. I can see why you feel like it is masculine - due to a sort of lower timbre, but to me it sounds 'crispier', femme.

Thank you so much for the tips on voice, I will use them tonight :3

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

that said, I recently went to a new endo, and at first he told me he wasn't going to prescribe me estrogen until I have established care with a therapist because "you doubled your risk of suicide by choosing to transition" (which ... is factually false, besides being problematic for other reasons)

this was someone explicitly listed as an informed consent provider, but he pretended like he wouldn't give me estrogen ... despite the fact that I fully pass as a woman and I'm post-op ... my body doesn't produce sex hormones, I rely on this for my literal physical health - my bones and joints will deteriorate without sex hormones.

Anyway, awful man - there are a lot of awful providers who prey on their vulnerable trans patients. Now I have to travel a few hours to a clinic in the hopes it might be more affirming. I'm in a blue state now and while doctors here are quicker to identify as an ally, they seem even more unwilling to help you with trans healthcare. There's no real reason my PCP who provides women's health services to cis women couldn't provide them for me, but she turned me down anyway - I think they don't realize that trans women really are biological women and she doesn't need some kind of special education to provide me with the same care she provides cis women :-/

So yeah, the transphobia is just articulated differently here.

Re voice, thanks for the feedback - my pitch tends to stay pretty low (that's one of the things I'm trying to work on - habituating a slightly higher pitch) and I think gives that impression of a lower timber (and also makes it too easy to slip into a heavier weight, too). I think this is why my voice sometimes is interpreted as older or more "mature". I don't necessarily mind sounding older - but I just don't hear it that way, it just sounds like a gay man to me.

If you ever want feedback on your voice, feel free to send me voice clips (my DMs on Lemmy are open, or if you're on Matrix, I'm there too if you want)!

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 2 hours ago

I def can send some voice to you, will send them in DM!

[–] WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 1 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

that said, I recently went to a new endo, and at first he told me he wasn’t going to prescribe me estrogen until I have established care with a therapist because “you doubled your risk of suicide by choosing to transition” (which … is factually false, besides being problematic for other reasons)

this was someone explicitly listed as an informed consent provider, but he pretended like he wouldn’t give me estrogen

I guess I can see why he thinks he's informed consent if the reason he wants patients to have therapy isn't to prove they are trans but instead to ensure they are getting help with all of the stresses on being trans in a transphobic society? And just using E as the carrot to motivate people to get care they probably should get regardless.

Regardless, glad where I went was truly a IC clinic and didn't do any sort of gatekeeping. Still haven't seen therapist. I don't think such gatekeeping would have gotten me to see one either.

despite the fact that I fully pass as a woman and I’m post-op … my body doesn’t produce sex hormones, I rely on this for my literal physical health - my bones and joints will deteriorate without sex hormones.

Wild that you had that happen despite the obvious need of it. Wonder if he'd have given you T without therapy....

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

I guess I can see why he thinks he’s informed consent if the reason he wants patients to have therapy isn’t to prove they are trans but instead to ensure they are getting help with all of the stresses on being trans in a transphobic society? And just using E as the carrot to motivate people to get care they probably should get regardless.

it's gatekeeping whether he rationalizes it as therapy to prove authenticity vs therapy to reduce risk - the point is that it's not informed consent, and it doesn't matter because I had already been through thorough gatekeeping already - I had over a year of therapy just for gender dysphoria, I had two psychiatric evaluations to get access to gender-affirming surgery (an insurance requirement) ... it would obviously be horrible to withhold necessary medical care to try to motivate a patient to get unnecessary but helpful care. We wouldn't deny a diabetic insulin because we think they would benefit from therapy, and we might think a doctor who does that should have their license revoked.

Regardless, glad where I went was truly a IC clinic and didn’t do any sort of gatekeeping. Still haven’t seen therapist. I don’t think such gatekeeping would have gotten me to see one either.

The irony is that I took myself to a therapist before I socially transitioned, basically as soon as my egg cracked I scheduled a therapy appointment with a gender-informed therapist.

Wild that you had that happen despite the obvious need of it. Wonder if he’d have given you T without therapy…

I didn't end up getting a therapist, at the end of the session he revealed that I had "earned" my estrogen prescription ... He was also really creepy and spent a lot of time touching his stethoscope to my breasts, but at an angle where it wouldn't help him actually listen to anything - really bizarre (no doctor has ever done this or "used" a stethoscope that way), and after he seemed to finish the exam, he then he went back to my breasts again.

There was a lot that happened in that session. I wouldn't be surprised if he sexually preyed on his patients, and it seemed like some of his behavior was similar to sexual grooming I have witnessed in the past (like guilting me into sitting closer to him, and telling me he was treating me nice because I was being nice to him, etc.).

[–] WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 0 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

We wouldn’t deny a diabetic insulin because we think they would benefit from therapy, and we might think a doctor who does that should have their license revoked.

Yeah. Was thinking medical malpractice already describes people who try to deny people access to HRT because reading:

I didn’t end up getting a therapist, at the end of the session he revealed that I had “earned” my estrogen prescription … He was also really creepy and spent a lot of time touching his stethoscope to my breasts, but at an angle where it wouldn’t help him actually listen to anything - really bizarre (no doctor has ever done this or “used” a stethoscope that way), and after he seemed to finish the exam, he then he went back to my breasts again.

There was a lot that happened in that session. I wouldn’t be surprised if he sexually preyed on his patients, and it seemed like some of his behavior was similar to sexual grooming I have witnessed in the past (like guilting me into sitting closer to him, and telling me he was treating me nice because I was being nice to him, etc.).

WTF? I don't think I've had a doctor touch my breasts with a stethoscope (granted, I've only had one visit since having them where that would have been a concern). I wonder how often doctors take advantage of their positions to be able to do things like this...

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 hours ago* (last edited 3 hours ago)

He's been doing this since the 1990s, imagine being one of his first patients, how few alternatives there were then ... he also mentioned he doesn't let his patients administer their own HRT, he requires they come into the office and pull down their pants for him to inject the shots into their butt ... I'm just thinking he's already so creepy and there are so many red flags - how likely is it that he isn't exploiting that? I left that office literally shaking, and I was emotionally wrecked for days after that. It's like I had stepped several decades into the past.

And I've always had doctors place their stethoscope on my chest, and it wasn't the location that was weird per se, he placed the stethoscope between the breasts like normal, but obviously it still touches them and what was weird was the way he did it multiple times and without seeming to actually use the stethoscope in a way that would imply he was using it to listen - i.e. it was cocked at an angle where it wasn't flush against my clothes or skin, just open to the air.

Before he started the exam, he announced that there is a physical exam but he won't require me to remove clothes - I've never had a doctor say it that way, and it felt like another "groomer" moment where I felt like he was trying to make me more comfortable so he could slowly introduce more and more inappropriate behavior without protest.

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I peed standing up. I had to go so bad. If I tried to go sitting down I would've peed myself. I thought the bathroom was empty and no one would notice but someone came in while I was peeing. I do take HRT and I've completely socially transitioned but even though I think I pass well people can still tell. I guess I don't pass that well. I don't think it's my voice, I've voice trained and my voice sounds fem enough that people on the phone can't tell. It has to be my appearance.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

sounds like you're better off than you realize ... if your voice passes well enough that people on the phone gender you correctly, and you are passing some or a lot of the time, it's just a matter of making fine adjustments. I still recommend checking out the link I sent, there is another link in that comment with a bunch of recommendations on passing.

Obviously no pressure, just thinking out loud what people generally do - but some people post selfies or photos to get feedback on their appearance to help get feedback on whether they are passing and what to work on.

I know /r/transpassing is a place on Reddit people post, but I think it's also full of chasers and people describe the space as toxic (even though I mostly see the most upvoted comments are usually accurate and not rude or anything). I guess I wouldn't mind trying to give feedback if you DM me, but I'm no expert or anything. Not sure there is a space on Lemmy for this kind of thing - maybe some of the Matrix spaces would be safer to post selfies in? I regularly wish I could get honest feedback like that, but I'm too scared to post photos of myself on the internet, lol.

but yeah, I would recommend not peeing standing up in a public women's restroom. 😅 Sounds like bad luck that someone was there when you didn't realize, but this might just be a learning experience.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago) (1 children)

I could make a l/transpassing community if you want? I'd still probably recommend to post pictures nowhere, or using a throwaway account. If there were a site on where you couldn't screenshot nor copypaste, and the pics would expire in a customisable timeframe up to one day, that'd be golden.

You could also make the pics only visible on the Blåhaj community.

Or heck, maybe making a Lemmy instance that ONLY federates with the Blåhaj one, might help.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 0 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

yeah, I think on Reddit a lot of times they make private communities for sharing photos - and Matrix probably has some private chat rooms that could work that way ... but I also agree that it would be best to have a platform that disables copying or screenshots (not that this is technically feasible, but you can still try to build features to make it difficult to do those) and has built-in expiration.

Either way, we're so far from having something like that, that I just as a policy don't share photos of myself :-(

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 6 hours ago* (last edited 4 hours ago) (1 children)

I did actually encounter a few sites where you cannot copypaste, it was very weird. Screenshotting, not sure.

You'd also need to disable downloading. There are actually some scripts to disable both screenshotting and copypasting, so that's handy.

I think the safest way is:

  1. Make an instance (no idea how to do so though, and IDK how to selfhost).
  2. Make it visible only to both lemmy and piefed blåhaj communities, so there's already a filtering from creeps. It'll have the same banning policy as Blåhaj.
  3. Make a l/transpassing community on it.
  4. Mandate that:
    a) throwaways are used,
    b) if uploading an image, only a specific provider that satisfies all the following requirements, should be used:
    bi. cannot copypaste
    bii. cannot screenshot
    biii. has a no-sharing with third parties policy
    biv. auto-delete in a custom period, but always after 3 days
    bv. the image has slight compression / a watermark

That would be a good method, methinks.

Since I don't know how to do 1 and 4 yet, I think just making a transpassing community and mandating throwaways, would help.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

I don't think you could do this with lemmy or piefed - those would both make the images publicly available and easy to download. I don't know whether lemmy or piefed support private communities, but I haven't heard of such a feature so I assume not.

Regardless, the only way to prevent screenshots and downloads, etc. would be to avoid web-based solutions, i.e. you would need to create a custom app.

I know Signal has a feature like this where an image can only be viewed once, and I think it locks down the ability to download the image. Not sure if it prevents screenshots, though.

Either way, I really don't think the features you're describing are feasible without someone building a custom phone app.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

But on phones, you can make screenshots, whenever and wherever, no?

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 0 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

nope, there are ways to develop phone apps that allows disabling screenshots. I've used phone apps that disabled screenshots.

Phones in general are much more locked down and easier to control. Desktop computers and the web are generally much more open and difficult to control.

That said, there's nothing stopping someone from taking a photo of their phone - there's no way to fully guarantee security, there are always workarounds.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

Which ones disable screenshots and don't allow copypasting?

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 5 hours ago

pretty sure my bank app disables screenshots for example

[–] WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 1 points 4 hours ago

My CPAP machine app blocks screenshotting on my phone. I've never seen anything prevent screenshotting on desktop and blocking copy/paste is often circumvented easy by just looking at the source. But it would be enough to probably limit how many people do such.

[–] inkzombie@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 7 hours ago

It gets better it just takes time unfortunately. It's most likely where you are. There are a lot of nice people out there that see you as a human and as a woman. I'm sorry you're not around those people now.

[–] Wereduck@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 6 hours ago

I'm so sorry you are treated like this. It is all so fucked. You don't deserve this shit. None of us do. I'm sorry that you are in a place where you have to fear going outside because of these fucking people who throw away their humanity. I hope you can find space away from the hate. That you can protect your soul from it, because you are worth protecting. I'm so sorry that we can't protect you from it. I very much wish we could. This tgirl sends her hugs to you 🫂🫂🫂

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

were these DMs on Blahaj? @ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone might want to hear more details - this instance usually tries to protect its users from this kind of abuse.

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

They were from somewhere else. I reported them and blocked the account.

[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 7 hours ago

good, be kind to yourself <3