Ask Lemmy

If the child is a danger then you stop them

If you search repeatedly despite finding no dangers, that's obsession

Zero times over my life.

I had great parents, who had a rule that I could just tell them any fuck ups and mistakes and they wouldn't get angry and help me.

On the other hand, I was an incredibly boring teenager whose worst bad habits were staying up too late reading books in bed.

Never, as long as the junk in my room wasn't leaking into the hallway, my parents were happy. Definitely no snooping. I had software on my kids devices when they were younger, but it just put blocks on what they could access, the only thing I "monitored" to any extent was time spent using the device.

Is this normal?

Depends on your history. A few children need this sort of scrutiny, most do not.

Man, I didn't even get privacy on the toilet. If I was taking a shit, and dad wanted a shower, he'd just open the door and go take a shower.

I knew someone who had a parent

• place a recording device in their room
• installed spyware on their computer
• read their diary
• made them sign behavior contracts (They were actually a good child)

You are safe to assume they had a difficult time adjusting as an adult.

So no, not normal.

Basically never. Once I was old enough to walk to and from school on my own, my parents basically left my shit alone. They’d do the “I’m knocking to let you know I’m at the door, but asserting my authority as a parent by coming in without waiting for a response” thing for a while. But once they caught me jorkin it at my laptop, that went away too.

It probably helped that I was a pretty boring kid. I didn’t have a ton of interest in smoking or drinking, so it’s not like I had a lot for them to take even if they did go through my shit. I think they found condoms once, but it’s because I left the box out, and it’s not like it was a surprise; they had already met my girlfriend. They tended to take the “we’d rather they do it here where they can at least be safe” approach to things.

My mother would do this when I was a teenager, pissed me off and made me a paranoid. It's not normal and now I live 1500 km away from my parents, visiting them one time every 2 years just for the family obligation and saving face.

99% of the problems I'm trying to solve in therapy comes from my upbringing.

So yeah, not optimal situation, try to grow from this, learn to grow out of this situation.

Currently living with my parents, they don't necessarily "search" my things. I'm pretty messy so their primary intent is just organize my stuff. They're not "going through my things"

All the fucking time. I hated it, and I have issues with trust now as an adult because of it. I'm super protective of my space, in so much that it takes a while to even let a partner in to my bedroom. My parents were constantly going through my things, looking for anything they could punish me for. I was raised super religious and they had it in their head that all teenagers hide porn, booze, and weed. When they never found any, they just looked more. It was a fucking nightmare. I moved out of there as soon as I could, literally into a closet where I slept next to the water heater. Anything to get out of that house.

It is not normal, and you need to have boundaries. The whole "it's my house and my rules" is bullshit. You are a human being and should be treated like one.

Never. I'm old and have an adult child. I never looked through their things either.

CSB: I bought a pellet gun from a friend in my early teens. My mother found it while putting laundry away. She thought it was a real gun and was very concerned. She talked to me about it and was very relieved after.

It's not normal.

Never

Never. They're parents, not the police. As a long as I stayed out of trouble, they respected my space. When I was young they'd go through stuff, but that was more for cleaning the room (when I refused to).

Parents now have to be more involved with the "online" space and aware who their children are in contact with. There's certainly boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, the main thing is educating children about the dangers and go from there.

Never went through my stuff, but they also never learned to knock, like never ever ever, even after being asked a million times. Fapping was huge gamble.

Yeah, they went into my room to look through stuff. My dad never let me have my own device, he had a keylogger and camera pointed at the desktop computer I was allowed to use. He had online blockers for porn and regularly looked through my phone and photos and I wasn't allowed to have my phone at night or my iPad. It's not normal and I've started working on it in therapy.

When I was a teen in the 1980s, my mother would snoop through my room and my things most days, then make up stories and get mad at me. Which is why I left home at 15.

Constantly, until the day I moved out completely. Privacy only existed on paper. My room occasionally was searched while I was absent, and I only noticed because it was done sloppy (things were arranged differently). This was especially the case for all school related things, but included the occasional search for cigarettes and alcohol.

I'm really glad that the whole computer/ internet/ mobile phone/ social media thing started to happen while I was becoming an adult, and thus was on the brink of moving out. Maybe this helped me to spark a general interest in online privacy.

Sometimes at work we do have interns from a nearby school. They participate for two weeks, in order to prepare them for entering work force in a coulple of years, and to find out what these students are interested in. These students are around the age of 14 - 17 years old. To gain a school licence for our software we use at work, we make them to register with the software vendor to obtain such a temporary licence. This involves to register with the email adress they recieve from their school. Many of these interns struggle with that, because they cannot do this on their own, either, they don't know how to, or, because access within their phones is restricted by parental controls. One intern told me, that their parents regularly search their phone - and the worst part ist, that this is seen as completely normal to them! They already have been conditioned to constant surveillance that it would be weird to them if they were left unattended regarding this matter.

If my parents would have had access to my online activities (if availiable back then), they certainly would have had a field day.

I jokingly used to say: If we [my parents and I] lived in the GDR [Eastern Germany before the fall of the Iron Curtain], we woudn't just have had a car, but also a telephone. [The reason for this is that citizens who were actively involved in the suveillance of certain people, along with the spying of their neighbors and own families, were often members of the StaSi, and thus were rewarded for their loyality towards the party with a car whitout the long waiting time, and those who were within the party also would have had an own telephone at their homes as a reward for their loyal services.]

A few times but not often. Usually with the excuse of tidying my room but it was always done when I was out and without telling me.

Only my room though, they didn't understand Linux so couldn't really check devices for anything.

They would barge into my room, without knocking, almost daily. Usually resulted in yelling matches... That was really fucking abusive looking back, it wasn't the only shitty thing they did and I no longer talk to the fuckers.

Please take note, and good luck.

Very rarely, if ever.

The only time it is justifiable is if it's either pre-agreed or if there is a threat to the child.

If there is reason to think they are being groomed, or used in some way, then yes. E.g. a room search after getting information that they are holding drugs for a dealer. They should be treated like a police search. Only done when there is real reason, rather than just fishing.

If it's pre-agreed that a device isn't private, then the rules change slightly. A younger child's phone or computer should be subject to respectful monitoring. It should also be part of an open and equitable discussion on boundaries and rules. Even here, the goal should be to protect the child from dangers, not to snoop on what they are chatting with friends about beyond that.

Privacy, is an important thing for children. It needs to be provided with guard rails initially, but should be respected as best you can.

My mother would go through my things looking for reasons to get me in trouble. She’d go though my phone. It’s not normal. It’s not okay. Kids are entitled to privacy and all it did was make me better at hiding things, give me anxiety, and develop self-harm habits and an eating disorder.

Never.

Wtf, that sounds really fucked up.

Edit, just to add: Both my parents also always knocked before entering, respected the answer "no" whenever I gave it (which, admittedly, wasn't often) plus never expected an explanation why, and we cleaned/tidied our own rooms, did our own laundry, etc, so that excuse was also never used. And they never, ever touched my computer, opened my mail or went through my phone.

Is it possible they did it in secret when we were at school or something? Sure.. I guess it's possible, but I truly doubt it. It would go against their own principles and personalities.

My parents never really gave me the idea I had to keep many secrets from them anyway. They weren't bigots, they weren't religious, there weren't really any taboos at all, so we could talk about anything and I was never severely punished for things. Sure, they'd get mad sometimes or disappointed, but I was never afraid of them. We could talk about anything. And even when they were mad, I knew I could go into my room and they wouldn't barge in after me without my permission. Privacy was always respected.

Barging into my room and shouting at me etc., pretty much every day.
Almost never through my stuff though, as far as I know. Except one time where I went away for a bit and had ecchi print-outs 'hidden' in a drawer that had a key. And wen I came back it was all laid out across my room to shame me without ever talking about it :)

This aspect is pitifully pathetic and cowardly parenting.

Sometimes my mom would do a cleanup, but then she’d find whatever and it would be gone. So it was a thorough “cleaning.” Didn’t happen much.

My dad would periodically go through things but not like deep searches as far as I could tell. Like opening a drawer but not digging around, or seeing if my computer was unlocked, etc. I was also allowed a door lock though so if I really cared I would have just locked them out but it was minor enough that it wasn't worth the potential drama to me. The area I grew up though it was very very common for parents to do forensic level dives into their kids' rooms. Several of the people I knew in high school their bedroom doors were removed entirely by their parents. I always found that to be a gross intrusion of privacy but the Mormons never batted an eye at it

All the time. My mom never knocked. She went through my garbage, unfolding paper and gum wrappers and whatever else to be sure there were no hidden messages or notes or whatever the hell else she imagined.

Looking way back, not really. There may have been a few times. I know some siblings had their room searched due to reasonable suspicion of drugs, but that was never a concern with me.

When raising my kids, I don't think I ever searched their room, except to find something of mine that they may have used. The relationships were open enough that my kids just told me if they did something like drink while still minors. I did watch for signs of drug use, but all use was very casual and minimal risk to their health.

They never went snooping, my mom occasionally would occasionally come into my room to put clothes away or pick stuff up off the floor or whatever but that was pretty much the extent of it.

She did occasionally do the fairly odd parents "I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your parent by coming in anyway" thing, where she'd knock but didn't really wait for a reply before opening the door or just took any sort of "what?" reply she got as an invitation to continue in, but I think that was more of her being on autopilot than any real intention to barge in on me.

I was, by most measures, a pretty good kid and didn't really have anything to hide anyway. I think my parents knew that so they never really bothered to snoop.

And on top of that, my grandmother was the queen of all snoop, and my mom hated that when she was growing up so she didn't want to do that to her own kids.

My grandmother was always the type to just come over uninvited, let herself into the house, and just kind of do whatever the hell she wanted, look at whatever mail we had sitting out on the counter (didn't open it, but if it was already open it I don't think she was above reading it) move stuff around, etc.

I remember one time when I was still living at home I was the only one home, it was the middle of the day and I worked nights so I was asleep. She let herself in and was doing who knows what downstairs, and she accidentally bumped the power button on my Xbox, and couldn't figure out how to turn it back off, so she came into my room and woke me up over it.

Don't know that I've had that happen but my dad has a complete and utter lack of respect for a closed door.

never, unless I asked. When they had to look, they either asked or let me know first.

Room, backpack, notebooks: never

Computer: It was a shared family computer, so I had no expectation of privacy

Phone: this was before personal phones

Books, CDs: Books and music and other media I brought home were subject to review, but pretty much only at the time I brought them home