No Stupid Questions

Pretty much everyone in this thread is being dumb. The solution to your problem is this: talk to him. Literally just pick up your phone right now and text him - "hey, when we went out for coffee, ummm... I feel awkward asking this, but, was that a date?" If he says no, apologise for assuming and continue enjoying his company as a friend. If he says yes, tell him you like him as a friend and appreciate his interest, but that you aren't interested because you are moving to a different city.

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I'm less interested in knowing his motivation than I am in your motivation for saying yes and going out with him. Whatever is motivating you to go out with him, that is what you need to communicate, rather than just saying "I'm not going to sleep with you."

As a happily married 39 year old I look at the modern dating scene with horror. I think that he probably doesn't "just" want to sleep with you, he probably just likes having someone like you in his life. People can be complex, we construct these binaries that simplify things, reality is more complicated. If you enjoy hanging out with a person, do that. Don't lead him on just to get to go on nice dates, and also be aware that he might be a pig that does just want to sleep with you. Maybe he mentioned going on trips to try to entice you into a relationship. Don't get into a position where you feel like you owe him anything.

The age difference is pretty big but there's a lot of loneliness in the world. So maybe talk to your mutual friends, does he have a history of chasing younger women?

At what point can you possibly have come up with "He just wants to sleep with me"? You two went to a café, shared your current life situations and plans for the future, and left amicably. Unless youre leaving a LOT out about what he said, that is a baseless assumption.

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I wouldn't say you sound like a narcissist but this does sound immature. "He wants to sleep with you" and "he just wants to sleep with you" are two different things. It sounds to me that he likes you and wants to spend time with you, and maybe-probably also wants to sleep with you. Is that enough for you? It's enough for some people, though obviously not for everyone. Either way, talk to him about it.

I think it's impossible to assume anything at all. With cultural, age and gender differences, it's difficult to figure out what the intentions of another person are, unless they state them clearly. Neither you or he did that.

As a guy, I can assure you that guys do not understand subtle hints or can even logically deduce where this casual acquaintance is going from what you have already described.

You'll need to be very clear. Maybe then he will also tell or show you his own intentions more clearly.

But first you need to know yourself what you actually want to hang out with this guy for and if it's worthwhile maintaining the friendship for whatever reason. It makes sense if you have mutual interests or benefits from keeping in touch. However, my best guess based on your description of him offering a back massage is that he might have more romantic intentions than you. In that case it's best for both of you to be brutally clear and end his hopes instead of "friend-zoning" him. It might feel unpleasant, but it's crucial to be clear. If he reacts negatively, well, there's your answer.

Might sound like a crazy take, but if you just make sure you (only) do what you want and are clear about your intentions towards him, you should be fine.

If you want to have a drink from some casual company until you leave - do that.

If you want some steamy sexy time for one night and then leave - again, do that.

If you really like the guy and might actually consider some sort of longer relationship - guess what, do that.

Just be clear and honest, towards him and yourself. That way he can decide what he wants from you.

And as all engineers know: assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups, so avoid those at all cost.

13 years is a significant age gap for someone in their mid twenties.

I am certain he wants to have sex with you, wether or not he is thinking about a long term relationship, I have no insights.

It could be that he is not thinking about that. You are pretty vague on when you are relocating, so maybe he thinks that if the two of you work out, than you will stay.

Maybe I missed something but nowhere in this discussion do you mention whether you want to sleep with him? Even when people sort of prompted you.

If you fancy him, take it to the next level. I imagine he's keeping it light for plausible deniability in case nothing happens or he gets rejected.

Either make a move or tell him you're not interested in a relationship. Figure out your own intentions instead of trying to mindread him.

This can't be judged well from afar imo.

My wife and i also got together two months before she was supposed to move to a different city. If people genuinely love each other, commuting and making things work is possible and people have done it before. In the case of my wife the different city didn't work out after all. When we got together it started with us trying to talk ourselves out of it, because of all the reasons why it should not work. Now we are going strong since more than 5 years.

Life reality doesn't work in terms of "now i will date and now i will find a suitable partner" or "now is not the time". People who limit or push themselves like this end up sabotaging themselves imo.

You will have to trust your guts on this. It is set that you will move. If he is serious, he will find a solution for this. If he is that rich and he is unhappy where he lives now, there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to make it work that you life in a different city. If he doesn't, then it isn't meant to be.

The age difference is an issue though in the sense that his life experience makes it easier for him to control situations and make promises not to hold up, than the other way round. This does not mean that it has to be the case. You should see to judge him by his actions, not by words.

I am not familiar with either culture, but I'd guess that he does.

and asked me out on a date again

Was this specifically described as a date? If so, I'd suggest that this is the way in to politely raise this. In fact even if it was ambiguous, it still is the way to do it: "Just so that we are both clear, although I enjoyed meeting you the other night, I don't want to take things any further than these casual meetings." or similar. I'm assuming that you did enjoy it - or you wouldn't be considering another one.

You could restate that you will soon be moving (people can be incredibly selective about what they take in and what they don't) if you want to - although you shouldn't need to give a reason if you don't want to.

Yeah pretty safe assumption

yes.

He is probably just shy, him self on how to bring up this topic.

Feels like there are tons of cultural differences involved. Maybe you are not aware of them?

Cultural differences are usually not changeable. I mean, you cannot change all people at once, obviously. Most times you cannot even change that one special person.

You can only be open to accept that one specific person as they are. And you need to talk about these things more, and much more explicitly, than about some other general topics.

Don't know if this is helpful, but I must admit that I don't know the Indian or Japanese cultures enough to really answer your questions.

I'm not certain you provided any signs that he viewed it as a date or even that he liked you. I'm not sure you characterized any motivation on his part that made me think he was into you, except for that part of your conversation was around marriage and it read like you brought that up not him which I guess would be a signal that material was on their mind (but that's irrelevant if you brought it up I'd say).

I generally assume all men want to sleep with all women regardless of any other concept or notion, simply because sex is fun and men in my experience seem on average far more willing to do that with just about anyone. That's not really true, and it's not really a fair assumption, but I don't think it causes harm if you don't act irrationally on it.

It sounds like he:

• likes talking to you because he invited you on two outings (both of which you assumed were dates)
• is rich and therefore when he pays for the food it lessens the implication that it's a date (although I think that's fair to keep in mind. To provide a counter example, I pay for friends meals semi-frequently and have always paid for every 1v1 meal with a woman (and most of the men 1v1s among peers or younger) as a thank you for the company. This is not attached to romantic or sexual expectations or desires, it's just how I was raised and have decided to maintain that practice because I like it).
• is attractive (by your own admission)

I'm not certain I can gleam any more information about him out of your text.

Did he only want to talk to you about relationships and physicality? Was he physically distant or was he escalating touches? Did you catch him giving you signals like checking you out or anything else that might point to a purely carnal thinking?

Otherwise I'd say right now, it's safe to assume he wants to have sex with you. It's also probably unfair to assume that's all he wants and doubly unfair to assume that that's his motive for hanging out with you.

I believe men and women can have platonic relationships, which I think based on some comments you made in this thread you also believe.

So I'd recommend a couple possibilities:

• Your gut says he just wants to sleep with you, it's heavy on your mind, or you just like being very communicative. In this case, communicate clearly and honestly something like "hey, just to get this off my chest I'm enjoying our conversations and 1v1s but as I explain to all men early on, I'm not interested in dating or anything physical right now. If that's why you wanted to hangout, I understand and you've done nothing wrong, but that's not why I was enjoying hanging out. If that's not what you were looking for, and you're okay with just being platonic friends, I can't wait for our 1v1."
• If you don't think he was actually pursuing you, you feel like he was pretty normal hanging out with you, or you just don't want to broach this subject until you're certain you both have misaligned intentions I'd recommend continuing as normal, and mentally defining your boundaries while preparing to communicate them when you need to. This would look like (as a random kinda silly example) "he grabs your shoulder once while telling a story or something", maybe no big deal for you and you move along, "he grabs your shoulder constantly and it's now abnormal behavior", you tell him you don't like this and ask them to stop and then clarify your intentions with him (probably after that event/gathering).

Please know this is coming from a man's perspective and it's as brief as I could make it. Please consider the normal woman wisdom (even if it sucks that it's required) that you should focus on your immediate physical safety first and emotional/mental safety next at all times. If you get the feeling that clear communication would put you in danger, don't do it until you're safe.