Not my nails, obvs.
Some (beginner-focused) tips for painting your nails:
Lighter colors and solid colors are easier to work with. Pick a good color or few, you don't need to start too fancy.
Don't shake nail polish, that can mess it up. Roll it slowly if you ever need to mix.
Don't just do the coloration and call it a day, put clear nail polish on first, and put it over the color. That will protect your nails.
Consider getting nail polish remover when you get your nail polish, mistakes are easy.
Put your nails down on a flat surface, clean your nails (maybe with that nail polish remover?), and apply the clear base coat (doesn't need to be perfect). Stroke from the base of the nail to the top, until the nail is covered. It might get on your skin, that's normal, anything on your skin can be dealt with at the end. Let it dry, like you would any other kind of base coat.
Now that it's dry, do like what you did with your clear polish for colors. Base to tip, going from the center outwards. If you can still see through after it's covered, wait for it to dry a little, then do another layer.
Then apply your top coat to make smooth, shiny, and somewhat protected painted nails. Wait for it all to dry (very important), which could as long as normal working hours + commute. Don't mess it up. If you do, you might have to restart on some nails.
Now that it's dry the polish on your skin should act sorta like glue, where you can just peel it off, but if it's stubborn you could use a cotton swab with nail polish remover to carefully remove it (don't let it touch your nails!).
Now you should have nice smooth nails.
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haven't touched the stuff in years so I think I definitely won't drink them all.
it's kind of difficult finding people into the same things as I am so gonna have to pick up some new special interest that's common enough to engage with others.
I knew it and now I try to console myself in this revelation.
. 
nope. we're just friends. still single. i've lost track how many failed romantic attempts i've had years ago and i want to die