Ask Lemmy

After a long discussion with all of my co-workers comparing everyone's experience, it would be safe to assume that they do not work effectively. They are a commercial product whose entire purpose is to make money. The algorithms are designed to keep people on the app as long as possible. They don't work on purpose. Every single person in the discussion that met their SO on an app, were marched because some sort of fluke or exception. It only works when the pattern is broken. We were even calling people's SOs up to hear their full stories.

The cheat code to dating is don't use the fucking apps unless you are a legitimate adonis who doesn't need to.

Go out and find groups that do things you like to do, make friends, then you'll meet people organically.

Edit: from a guy who used dating apps for 2 years and had a 6 dates from them, but in the same time frame had 2 IRL based dates, one still friends with, the other is my SO of 8 years.

They absolutely have gotten way, way, way worse. I deleted all of them, despite 1.) being single, 2.) wanting to date again, and 3.) having met multiple dates on multiple apps in the past. They're simply not like they used to be, in part because of Match Group buying them all up and in part because the other non-Match Group options followed that same "successful" model.

It honestly feels like the only way to succeed is to pay, but EVEN THEN, using Tinder for example, you'll still be pestered to pay even more to "make sure your messages are seen" and most of the likes they suddenly turn on once you pay will be fake, bot profiles. To an absurd degree these days. And the prices are outrageous, with many of them having the gall to charge WEEKLY now.

It's not a you thing, it's a "the apps really, really suck" thing. There's a reason so many people, men and women alike, complain about these apps and insist they must "only see the worst matches." Because they almost certainly do. If they send you your best matches, you wouldn't subscribe anymore. If they send you bad matches, plus "good" fake matches, they think it'll keep your hopes up. Except it's obvious when all the fake profiles look the same, are exactly 99 miles away from you, etc...etc...

Be a girl.

Swiping right "too much" lowers your hidden "social score" which determines who you are shown to

If you have social anxiety, that's the bottleneck here.

Don't stress about the apps. I'm an attractive guy, almost always in a relationship, and in any of the times I was single, I never got a date through a dating site.

Never used any apps but I've gotten some decent connections and a few meetups from craigslist (back when when it had personals ads) and (believe it or not) more recently, reddit. Just write literate messages that are responsive to what the other person wrote, instead of being generic.

Also, proofread your responses very thoroughly before sending. Make sure that the grammar and punctuation is all perfect. The slightest error can be a huge negative in how well your response is received. Why is that? I don't know. But I've seen multiple people comment on this. Some have come out and told me that they responded to me because of it. It really matters.

Reddit has apparently just ditched its PM system in favor of a chat system. That seems pretty terrible for those of us who prefer to write carefully.

On the apps, the cheat code is paying up. Even then, it won't guarantee any success. Last app I used was bumble, around the end of 2023, which was on its way of enshittification, but still worked muuuuuuuuuch better than tinder. Got lucky and met my current gf there (4th or 5th woman I managed to go out on a date from that app, out of many that I chatted with).

My main problem which makes me rely on the apps is that I simply rarely feel like going outside. Not doing any group activities seriously hurts your chances of finding anyone interesting.

Real life wise, your best bet would be trying dance classes, especially any that are supposed to be danced in pairs

Tell us more about your current usage. What are you doing and where is it failing?

Some of the other posts already hit the highlights. Have a variety of well lit photos. Your profile should be short, but with some unique-ish hooks for people to talk about (eg: "reading 'such and such' for my book club!" - several things for someone to ask about there).

When you do match with people, don't send generic messages. Don't just send "hey". Go read https://nohello.net/en/ for a post about that in other contexts.

After you've had one or two successful exchanges, clear any deal breakers you might have (eg: "really enjoying this conversation but wanted to make sure you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?"). If that succeeds, ask them out.

Don't provide too many choices. People get overwhelmed easily. "I'd love to talk more about (whatever we we were talking about). Do you want to go on a date? I like (local bar), but (other bar) in your neighborhood looks fun, too!". Two choices. They'll probably pick one.

More specific advice may be available if you tell us more about your specific experience

1. Be rich
2. Don't be poor

I think that's the only legit cheat code

You basically need to buy premium. It sucks and is predatory but it makes a huge difference. I would drop $20 on boosts Thursday afternoon and end up getting a date for Friday/Saturday maybe 2/3 of the time. About 75% of my matches came from paying for buffs.

If you figure it out, let me know. I am also in my 30s and have never had any success with dating websites/apps. I've only ever had success meeting people the natural way.

Personally I wouldn't even bother with dating apps. Date someone from work or go to a singles event. I've had great success with those methods.

Be interesting

Cheats? Never tried these myself, but I was being told that some dating apps use their own ELO system for "rating" users, and they try to keep the best matches hidden, so allegedly you can try to game the ELO by rejecting more ppl than necessary and on Hinge you can cheat by leaving the age range completely open (18-99)...

... or I guess beg family/friends for help to completely bypass dating apps I guess

Disclaimer I have never even dated & my only "dates" from a dating app ended in complete disasters, so... I wouldn't trust what I have just wrote

Type "power overwhelming" in chat

My wife said the "no fuckboys" line in my profile made her laugh.

be hot

Don't bother. I've tried so many of them and they're almost all shit.