I've been really struggling with drinking again and have been drunk 6 of the of past 7 nights. I got it back on track towards the start of this month where I was only drinking on the weekend but I couldn't keep that up.

Today is a special day for me though. Back in very beginning of 2019 I dropped out of college and became a NEET for many years, and October 24th 2021 was when I started piecing my life back together. There's been ups and downs but the past two years have been the best two years of my life. Maybe this October 24th will be just as important for me, who knows.

56 days until i quit my pointless, soul-destroying office job. 20 days after that i begin a 9-month trip around south america and europe, which i've been looking forward to for two and a half years at this point. im good, i just have maaaaaaajor senioritis about this job. can't be fucked to do anything tbh

Death to America

Watching people calling for / excusing genocide in the last two weeks has made my already dog shit mental health even worse.

I feel like I'm going insane

I didn't get enough sleep last night. It's only 11:30 AM and I'm struggling to stay awake here

Idk how I'm gonna make it through another year at this job.

Odds on favorite this is worst year of my life. Silver medal goes to the year my mother died. Still two months left. The over/under on how many weeks I'm going to be homeless is three. Place your bets.

Been doing organizing every day since 10/7. Tiring and I have to pause myself here and there not to burn out, but it's giving me live to do real meaningful organizing in the face of the crisis instead of scrolling and posting.

Back on the wagon trying to quit smoking again, not much to report otherwise, will be shopping for food tomorrow and I'm going to load up.

Can't leave work to go to Friday prayer anymore for over a month - two hours a week where I am completely insulated from capitalism and is now gone.

Fucking management decided to cancel the option for overtime too as a bargaining option.

Also my blood pressure has spiked again despite losing 5kg of weight.

It feels very joever. Still no luck on the job search ~4 months in, and this freelance thing isn't looking as promising as it used to. I just really need to catch a break on this.

Meanwhile, my mom keeps telling me that I can't always take the "path of least resistance" and that I need to reach my full potential and all that. I keep trying to tell her that my first priority is being able to support myself independently and she says that's fine, but appends this note about how sooner or later I'll have to figure out how I want to live my life and grow and change. My mother in Christ I don't have a job right now!!!

I'm just going through the motions of life and it feels hopeless. Idk what I'm gonna do if I can't find work by the time unemployment runs out. Could probably get a retail/food service job but that would crush my will to live even more 🤡

Came down with an obnoxious cold that's just scuttled my brain for the most part. I should be fine in another week. Been having to live in a dugout for a while because the heat has become so unbearable.

Dealing with overdrafts at the end of the last few months. I'm trying to take time off where I can because the burnout is getting to me, but I can't afford to. I've run on fumes like this for a while in the past, but it's a little different now.

Part of the reason for the change in finances is that I've finally gotten a good therapist. I'm processing a lot of stuff and managing my feelings of shame/inadequacy better.

What I thought was me being deceptive or manipulative was likely masking my ND traits. I'm more at peace with how I am as a person and I'm not spending as much bandwidth trying to fix or change myself.

I'm learning how to give myself the grace I wanted and needed when I was younger. I'm not exactly there yet, but I'm finding myself and realizing I'm a lot closer than I thought.

My big goal by the end of the year is to get signed to an agent. I'm revising a novel and finishing up a book proposal for a nonfiction book. That would give me the breathing room to leave my BS job and/or move to a cheaper area.

Got a cold since sunday. Its better now though. Hope it will be gone soon.

My disability benefits are going to be taken away. I was completely blindsided by this because I thought my exam went really well. I applied for reconsideration, but my understanding is that those rarely succeed. I can appeal that and get a court hearing, but I'd need to pay a lawyer and if I lose I'd have to pay back the benefits I get while waiting for the hearing.

Anyway, I'm trying to see it as a positive. I do want to work, so I'm just going to try and find something low stress, or at least something without a lot of interacting with people. It's going to be hard to find something because I haven't worked in 10 years and I didn't have a great work history before that either because I kept losing jobs due to my bipolar.

I wanted to try UPS because they were advertising for package handlers and it's one of the few union workplaces in my area, but they apparently stop hiring permanent positions before the holidays. So my next plan is to try to get a CDL license, because there's a lot of jobs around here that have the license as the only job requirement.

Despite all that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm more hopeful that I've been for a while. The benefits that I get are so small that I'd bring home triple at almost any job. It'll also feel good to not have to dodge questions about what I do for a living, or feel the judgements when I have to tell someone I'm on disability.

i'm not lettin the darkness win but like... fuck i'm really stallin out here. feels like i only have energy for dumb stuff that doesn't matter.

Not great. Sad, lonely, behind on schoolwork. Called out sick yesterday because my sinus pressure made me too dizzy to be comfortable driving, and still procrastinated on a paper I had to do until the very last moment. Today I'm forcing myself to do some laundry and pick up the trash in my room so I don't completely fall apart, and memorizing my lines for the scene I'm doing in acting class. I wanted to play some BG3 but it just keeps crashing so I gave up.

I need to do something healthier with my day than sit around feeling shitty about my life, but I'm still adjusting to my new antidepressant, and apparently I'm going to cycle through all of my little depression modes one by one until they're evened out I guess. A few days ago it was undirected rage flowing through my nerves, today it's near-total apathy. But the silver lining here is that it's giving me some perspective on how I judge myself: way too harshly. It's weird that it takes not giving a shit about anything to realize that telling myself I'm a lazy useless sack of shit is just repeating a lie. I'm doing a lot. Too much, really. It's burning me out constantly.

I'm getting somewhat obsessed with surfing/the ocean in general and it's great for my fitness and mental health but it's also kind of taking over my life. Luckily, I'm 45 minutes from the nearest place I can get waves and even then only when there's 40+ mph winds blowing in the right direction. Otherwise, I might never return to land.

Other than that, playing Yakuza 2, which is dope as hell.

second week of lithium carbonate and it seems to be doing its job! very satisfied with it so far

Doing very, very poorly. Haven't gotten through a day without multiple breakdowns in over a week. I can't even tell anymore if I'm sticking around through a tough situation for someone who really likes me and really needs me, or if I'm letting myself be treated poorly by someone who has realized I get very attached. Two temp jobs have fallen through in the span of the last week. What I thought was the best short story I'd ever written got rejected by the fucking magazine. I fell off the wagon with not drinking last night. Everything feels so fucked and pointless.

Not great here, feeling lonely in general and pretty burned out at work. Don't seem to be getting those good feelings from anything at the moment. Also I got a bad cold nearly 3 weeks ago now and it's still hanging around, making me feel like shit all the time.

Trying to stay busy though. If I've got to feel bad, might as well get things done, right?

Not great tbh. After changing my meds last week and feeling pretty great, I had something happen to me on Sunday that left me feeling absolutely awful. I spent all of Monday in bed and now I just feel exhausted. Thinking of checking myself into a clinic to give myself time to reset.

Girlfriend and I are going through a really rough patch. She got an IUD put in and it fucked her hormones so badly she almost instantly started hating me. Took about a day before she couldn't stand being around me and didn't know why. We took the IUD out about a week and a half ago and while things have gotten a bit better, she doesn't have any sexual attraction to me and physical touch (the main way I show affection) is very uncomfortable to her. I tried other routes of showing affection like acts of service but it just made her feel guilty. Idk what to do :( and it's been really hard. We've been dating almost 4 years and I don't want to lose her over this. I'll admit things weren't amazing before the IUD either but it made things very bad very fast and we haven't really recovered. We are looking into couples therapy and I hope it helps, I really do.

wellll

I'm tryin to stay upbeat, but I've gone from out of town for work, to hurting my back right before a weekend camping trip, to getting a cold from said trip, and now that my back feels mostly okay again finally I'm getting shooting pains in my legs lol

I also can't get my looming transness out of my head but haven't been super successful doing anything about it. I went to a thrift store to look for more affirming clothes tonight and couldnt do it (couldn't even go down the aisles) It was so busy and I was too mortified to even look. I bought some books and one possibly mis-labeled shirt though