dysphoria, sad
Really feeling awful about lost time and early trepidation keeping me from transitioning earlier and pausing when my mental health got really bad for years
I could be so much happier with myself at this point in my life and knowing there's a version of me out there in an alternate timeline that doesn't feel like they've wasted too much time and will never feel happy with their body now is really fucking me up
I spent the day with my best friend and their partner and I had a great time but seeing them be in love together made me feel really alone personally even though they're both really sweet to me and weren't excluding me at all
I just really envy their affection for each other and their emotional intimacy and feeling like that wouldn't be possible for me because of how uncomfortable and awkward I am in my body makes me feel like I'm gonna be alone forever and I want a loving partner so bad
I know it's not a good idea to be desperate for affection and validation seeking a relationship because of how easy it can be to overlook red flags but I feel like there's an important part of my sense of self and gender as a nurturing and supportive person who really craves someone to lean on and feel safe with and appreciated who will cuddle me and make me feel like it's gonna be alright
Idk I'm really emotional tonight sorry