Like 90% the "jokes" I heard growing up I couldn't translate without getting banned for racism.
Like automodded, racism. Basically the "punchline" was often the n-word.
This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
Like 90% the "jokes" I heard growing up I couldn't translate without getting banned for racism.
Like automodded, racism. Basically the "punchline" was often the n-word.
Here a joke my english teacher always told us:
What says a Saxon in New York when he wants a Christmas tree? .
A tännchen, please.
The saxon "a tännchen" sounds in english like: attention
A dog walks into a bar and says "I can't see a thing. I'll open this one."
Those ancient Sumerians sure knew how to make some knee-slappers.
I gonna explain the the joke in the picture.
The German joke is "Treffen sich zwei Jäger, beide Tot."
THW important word is "treffen". It can mean "meet" and "hit"(with a weapon). depending on the context
Thanks!
Ty, I figured there had to be a double entendre in there.
Oh I thought it was a Dick Cheney joke, I guess that's the American version though. It actually made perfect sense to me even without the double meaning.
Two Bulgarians are driving through the countryside when they are pulled over by an officer. "Sorry to bother you", says the officer, "but I'm looking for two child molesters."
The Bulgarians look at each other for a moment, turn to the officer, and with a solemn nod say
"We'll do it."
One translated from Norwegian:
"Once upon a time... But now it's a corridor"
I'll supply the original and an explanation:
"Det var en gang... Men nå er det en korridor"
"Det var en gang" is literally "It was a time/an instance", and it's the main way every fairytale starts in Norwegian. But "gang" could also mean hallway.
I used to work with a couple Czech dudes. One day my coworkers and I were badgering the one dude to tell us a Czech joke. He was pretty reluctant because he said he could only really think of one joke but wasn't sure it would translate well. When he finally told us the joke he got us with this masterpiece.
Two balloons are floating along, one says to the other and hey look a cactus.
All of us were confused by this, he told us it was much funnier in Czech because balloon and cactus sound similar so it's a pun. So we had him tell us the joke untranslated in Czech and balloon and cactus sound nothing alike.
I'm still not sure if this dude was fucking with us.
It's a silly joke for little kids of preschool age and it only makes sense if you include the right sound effects. It's supposed to go like this: Two balloons are floating along, one says to the other: - Hey look a cactussssssssssss! - Where isssssssssss it?
One that works in English:
A superconductor came to a bar and ordered a beer. The barman said - I'm not giving you a beer! Get the fuck out of my bar! The superconductor left without any resistance.
An argon atom walks into a bar. The barman says: "We don't serve your kind here. get out". The argon atom doesn't react.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a beer?" The barman says: "For you, no charge".
Oh hey the German version of this joke is also one that doesn't translate! "A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender says: Sorry, only invited guests." In German, "geladen" means both "invited" and "charged".
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender asks what it wants to drink.
"Oh, nothing, I'm just passing through."
Two drunks walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
An ion walks into a bar.
"Barman, barman, I lost an electron here last night"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
That's sadly the funniest German joke I've ever heard, I mean the punchline is there, but the set-up isn't, meaning it's closer to what I recognize as a joke than most Germanic Humor.
Edit: Nope, funnier German jokes are in this comment chain, I'm in a good mood today
Another one from Saxony.
A man drives his car to the junkyard, looking for replacement parts. He greets the owner and asks:
"Windshield wiper for a Trabant?"
The junkyard owner thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Sure, sounds like a fair exchange."
The Wikipedia page on East German jokes has a few Trabant jokes.
What's the best feature of a Trabant? – There's a heater at the back to keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.
A new Trabi has been launched with two exhaust pipes – so you can use it as a wheelbarrow.
How do you double the value of a Trabant? – Fill it with gas.
The back page of the Trabant manual contains the local bus schedule.
Four men were seen carrying a Trabant. Somebody asks them why? Was it broken? They reply: "No, nothing wrong with it, we’re just in a hurry."
How do you catch a Trabi? – Place a piece of chewing gum on the road.
The heated rear window one and the doubling its value one were jokes that we used to make about Skodas before they got good.
Also, what do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip.
In case people are wondering: it's indeed a german joke.
It's a pun. "meet" and "hit" are using the same word in german
That joke used to work in English.
By c. 1300, of things, "to come into physical contact with, join by touching or uniting with;" also, of persons, "come together by approaching from the opposite direction; come into collision with, combat."
https://www.etymonline.com/word/meet
It still can mean collision or fight, but the context needs to be very clear. Two armies meeting on the battlefield, for example. Or two hunters met in combat.
Oh I can do German-style comedy too, but as an American.
A Democrat and a Republican walk into a bar. They fight and both die in the hospital. Their families have to each pay $80,000 for medical expenses, then both families sue the bar. The bar closes, the owner divorces, spirals into alcoholism, and commits suicide. Then the funeral director buys a new house.
Translated Hungarian joke:
The Székely and his son go into the forest to cut trees. When cutting a tree, the son says:
"Goodbye, my beloved father."
"Why are you saying a farewell to me?", asks the Székely.
"Because the tree is falling on you."
One of my favorite Filipino jokes:
Why didn't the priest go swimming in the ocean? Because it's salt water.
"Salt water" in Tagalog can be translated as "tubig asin," which sounds like the English "too big a sin." Many Filipino jokes rely on Tagalog and English like that.
Here's another (putting original Tagalog because it's kind of relevant):
May joke ako tungkol sa airport kaso NAIA ako eh hehe.
English:
I have a joke about the airport, but I am NAIA (Ninoy Aquino International Airport) hehe.
NAIA sounds like "nahiya," which means "shy," so it would sort of translate to "... but I was shy."
We have some like that in England, for example a Frenchman only ever carries one egg because an egg is un oeuf
What?
Oeuf is French for egg. "Un oeuf" sounds like "enough"
Noice!
WE HAVE SOME LIKE THAT IN ENGLAND, FOR EXAMPLE A FRENCHMAN ONLY EVER CARRIES ONE EGG BECAUSE AN EGG IS UN OEUF
The farmer and the farmhand are out in the field working. Suddenly the sky closes in and it looks like rain. The farmhand says to the farmer: "If we don't hurry now, we'll get soaked here." The farmer says to the farmhand: "Then go into the house and get my wellies!" The farmhand says: "Why me? Why don't you get your wellies yourself?" The farmer looks at the farmhand angrily and asks: "Who’s the farmer? Who’s the Farmhand?"
The farmhand goes into the house in a rage. The farmer's wife and her pretty daughter are sitting at the kitchen table. The farmhand says to the two of them: "The farmer said you two should get naked so I can fuck you." The two women look at each other. The farmer's wife is surprised: "No, I don't believe that. The farmer would never say something like that, would he?" "Yes, he would," says the farmhand. "But I can ask again just in case." He goes to the kitchen window and opens it. The farmer's wife has followed him and is standing next to it. The farmhand shouts out into the field: "Farmer, both of them?" The farmer looks at the window and shouts back: "Both of course, you idiot!"
"Yes, both of them! What would be the point of just one?!"