teach the 12 apostles dialectical materialism via the coconut tree story

I wouldn't've cursed an innocent fig tree, that's for fuckin sure

Learned how to write, so he could write his own definitive autobiography.

Probably appeared to Paul in person before ascension, because fuck Paul sounds like a grifter.

i simply would have established communism

Hang out with more lepers and prostitutes

Polymorph into a bird and fly the fuck away. Jesus knew magic, man USE IT.

I probably would have existed since I'm pretty sure the Jesus everyone talks about is pretty much a myth (probable) or an amalgamation of traits from other real people (possible).

Use my knowledge of advanced prosthetics (omniscience) and carpentry (trade school) to construct a set of breakaway arms and legs, hiding my real limbs in a secret compartment in my cross.

I would have not tried to reform the local religious institution. that's a surefire way to get got.

I'm more of a lay-in-the-cut complainer and eye roller. gesture subtly toward the guy in the big hat with my chin and mutter, "this fuckin' guy."

live to be like 85, smokin' fat doinks, carve some shit outta wood maybe.

protracted people's war

I wouldn't have gotten executed, skill issue tbh

Oh yeah they had like a bunch of soldiers with spears and swords and shit? Yeah well just don't get caught loser

I'd have just killed all the soldiers with my divine power or whatever

Wouldn't've died.

honestly i think he did pretty good

i guess it'd be nice to try to explicitly say communism is cool constantly but idk if it would matter much in the end

I would have stopped the splitting of the Judean People’s Front with the People’s Front of Judea.

I do not presume to know better than the Lord

I woulda beem too busy shitting to do much

Probably just shot some hoops with the boys.

I would simply invent a machine gun. The prophecy says that I needed to sacrifice my life for humanity. Doesn’t say that I needed to be a meek ass pussy

I would educate, agitate, and organize.

The human body is partially water.

I would turn that into wine if you attack me.

I also would not have claimed to be the child of god.

I would 100% ditch the monotheism. Roman religion was way more interesting. Keep the radical peace and communal living stuff though, maybe come at it from the angle of "What does Jupiter care which rich kid gets to call himself Caesar? It's on us to build a better world for ourselves."

I would've looked straight into the camera and said I support LGBTQ people and then made out with Paul.

I wouldn't have sieged Leningrad, just surge rushed it and took it immediately.

More seriously I would have done the thing Mohammed did and insisted upon not translating my word, so that it would be harder to corrupt (still allows for shit like including a bunch of discussion about my words, but at least the words are still there untouched). Also I'd hire a scribe or something to write things down in my time, so it would be definitive. And I'd talk a lot more about how being rich doomed you to hell, like he did in that book that's no longer part of the main canon

I would have organised my followers into an army to liberate Palestine from the Romans.