I also cried because I see my past self in so much of what you wrote. This loss of joy, the loss of the ability to want things, not knowing how to go forward, being scared to do even the smallest of things that might cause trouble. Not sure I could have done this without the complete care of what happens to me. I did some pretty reckless and stupid things before my inner outing, so you got that over my past self (I am talking about like literally one year ago... 😱).

I am not sure I can really give advice on how you should do what. The best would be to "just do" some of the smaller things you are afraid of. Do some things you feel are femme and if someone asks you can tell them you do because you are edgy. Outright deny anything and pretend they are stupid for suggesting anything in particular. Worked with my long ass pink nails on work. I said "I like it, it fucks with people but it sadly hasn't turned me gay. I wish tho". And mind you those were some pretty homophobic and transphobic asses. But i also did not have to fear violence. It won't be easy but it is an approachable way to show yourself you can do scary things without anything big happening. If you accumulate enough scary things it can turn into feeling a lot better.

What is you situation monetarily? Like do you have some kind of monthly allowance or income? If yes you could maybe do an online therapy session that ends with an indication of "transgender" or can you pay for hormones even without such a thing where you live? (I had to get the indication)

I mean if you want to we could hook up on discord one of these days and talk a bit. Not sure if I can help but even only talking/venting might help. And right now I am so stoked about my situation I would love to be a shoulder you can lean and cry on.