Look at this monstrosity New Zealand pumped out during World War II. Built in case of Japanese invasion, the tank was made by slapping corrugated iron on a tractor and calling it a day. The Japanese tanks were hardly great, but a Ha-Go is infinitely better than this. Nonetheless, I love it for its shittiness.
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cw: mh, sui, drugs, probably other stuff
firstly, well done for admitting it to yourself and choosing to do something about it. i was a relatively late starter too - i'd coped until that point by being a twinky fem gay and having various substance abuse problems. it took me a(nother) sui attempt to acknowledge that i had to transition. the feeling of having missed out on living your life up to now the right way is very real and a lot of us can relate. i'm a very big fan of the "trans people get to have a redo of their last n years" school of thought. because why not?idk what country you're in, but DIY HRT is likely an option for you and it will likely be cheaper, you'll start sooner, you won't need to be underdosed, and your access to it cannot easily be revoked at the behest of a government which wants you to suffer. https://valerie.vg/ has some good guides and the vendors are vetted. here's a simpler guide: https://startwith4mgestradiolenanthateweeklyandtestatonetothreemonths.com/ . you might also want to get on minoxidil and finasteride depending on what your hair's like. well done for starting laser already. "start laser immediately" is always one of my top recs.
you don't need to be 100% sure of your complete identity now or even ever. try what feels right (or the least incorrect) and revisit if that changes. and a LOT of transfem people are lesbian, or at least not straight, and that's absolutely fine. perhaps i'm privileged in where i live, but there are quite a few explicitly-trans-friendly regular lesbian socials in [nearby big gay city].
also idk how isolated you are (my old friend group were all cis and predominantly straight, and they all kind of eventually gave up on me and moved on after years of me being too sick to ever speak to any of them or do anything pre-transition), but i'd really recommend you finding a trans group you can go to regularly and then throwing yourself into the local queer scene. perhaps some of your old friends will get it. some won't. but you'll make new friends and have new adventures.
Thank you very much for the nice response. It’s comforting to hear that i’m not the only one around here who had a realization later in life. I worry about fitting into trans and queer spaces for a while with how I look and act…but hopefully some of that will change. I do know some cool people who will probably ’get it’ but I guess we’ll see.
Also thank you, again, for the advice and resources. I am in Canada and live in a big city so it’s not bad wrt trans folk here, my doc did say he’d give me a referral to a specialist and there are some clinics that dispense HRT. But looking at some of this stuff it does seem like DIY methodology and available products are actually well thought out. I may look into procuring something anyway even if things work out w the medical system here.