this post was submitted on 01 May 2026
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As I drive or walk around, I am saddened by the fact that I am not able to pet all the dogs that I desire to. Some owners are disinterested, sometimes, it's just not an option.
However, I have a plan.
I'm going to go to a public park where there are many dogs, ideally cute ones that I want to pet. I am going to take a table with me and have a big banner printed up that says "Official Dog Inspection" and set up near the primary entrance to the park. I will get a white shirt and a black tie, lab coat and a clipboard or tablet.
Now, every person with a dog will be compelled to stop so that I can pet their dogs! I can't MAKE them do it and if they ask "official what?" I can just shrug or say "I'm offically petting your dog". I will not lie to anyone, I will just do something that looks like it's some sort of authority without claiming that I am one.
I may miss out on some real good petting, but I think it would be worth it. I could also have some tags or something made that says "Grade A Dog" that the owners can have. Even if the dog isn't Grade A, there's no harm in a little embellishment.
Geez, dude, just buy a dog. Then you won't want to pet all the other dogs because you already have the bestest one.
Someone needs to make sure they're all good boys.