International Transgender Day of Visibility (TDoV) is a day for celebrating the lives of transgender people, recognizing the contributions we make to society and rallying against the discrimination we face. TDoV also functions as a counterpart to the International Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR)^[TDoR is observed on November 20th and memorializes those of us who's lives were stolen by transphobic violence, particularly trans women of color. TDoR was initially founded in 1999 in remembrance of Rita Hester, Chanelle Pickett, and Monique Thomas, three black trans women who were murdered in the Boston area.]; with TDoR being a somber occasion and TDoV having a more celebratory nature.
For this week, in observation of TDoV, I invite you all, the posters in our community to write a little bit about the celebration of trans lives.
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CW: Gender dysphoria and depression
Comrades, I know this is a celebratory occasion, but I feel like I'm choking and need to let this out somewhere, I have no one to talk about this.I know I'm not cis, it's not cis to literally wonder what gender I am every single day of my life for the past I don't even know how many years, all I know is that I don't like being a man. I don't like looking like a man, sounding like a man, presenting as a man, being perceived as a man, having a beard and having chest hair.
Some days it's easier to deal with, and I sometimes don't care that much. Others it is not, today is one of those, probably the worst one yet. I have been meaning to comment or post here for a while, but always tossed it aside.
I have been depressed for a long time now, I'm medicated, but it's not working nearly as well as I hoped. I'm also autistic, ADHD, shy and have a lot of social anxiety. I have mentioned this to my therapist before, but it's hard for me and I haven't been able to talk with her for almost a year now too, because neither I nor my mom work and we both depend on my dad's money for everything, and his insistence on trying to be a businessman keeps fucking him over. I can't tell him this tho or he will get angry and we will fight again, which just sucks. In the last year we have moved twice, both because we have little money and because the past 2 landlords were both pieces of shit, the most recent was less then a month ago and now me and my mom are in a house far away in the middle of nowhere, but we don't have to worry about rent at least.
Today one of the only few friends I have told me he is having a child. I felt so happy for him!!! Genuinely happy!! But soon after I realized I haven't changed in a long time, I'm the exact same person with the exact same issues unable to change, I'm still unemployed, still depressed, still doing the same things I do daily, still unable to read a single book or study because I can't focus and I start yawning non-stop, no matter how much I want to do that, let alone even being able to find the motivation to start 9/10 times. I'm still stuck, and that triggered me wanting to post this comment here, the dysphoria came in like a truck alongside that.
When I made this account I set my pronouns to [any] because of that, it was a chance for me to try something else while just getting rid of the [he/him] pronouns without actually committing to it, yet I haven't even posted much because most of the time I'm too depressed or anxious for that. It also doesn't help that I always had issues with my body. I'm obese now, and haven't been able to lose weight, but I have been overweight ever since I was little too.
I want to change so bad, yet I feel like I'm unable to, feel like I'm stuck, and with no motivation.
It's been at least an hour since I started writing this comment, and I have read it multiple times already instead of just hitting post.
I don't have much advice to offer on most of that, but if you don't like having facial and chest hair you should shave them and see how you feel afterwards.
I already do that when depression is not kicking my ass and I definitely feel better after. But having to do it in the first place sucks, specially because I have a permanent beard shadow.
It does suck. I hope someday you can afford laser hair removal, it makes a big difference.
Thanks, feeling seen helps a little bit at least.