I was hit by a car while riding my bike to work without a helmet. It was basically The Thing that made me realize I can't stay in the closet and I need to transition, the realization I would have been buried and remembered as another man was horrific.

But. I also don't know if I would have wanted to be outed in my death if I hadn't ever come out. I know that the very idea that I would be remembered as a man felt like a violation. On the other hand, taking that choice away from me seems like another violation. It counts for something that, in that last and final statement and fully knowing martyrdom was next, Bushnell told us "my name is Aaron." But, it also counts for something that maybe I would have said "my name is MaleName" if I had a chance to have my final words, especially if I wanted my last words to be a political statement and was worried I'd be a distraction. I know I didn't think very highly of myself or the importance of my identity before I transitioned, maybe I'd have kept it hidden.

Maybe I'd have wanted people to discover who I really was after I died. Maybe I'd never want anyone to know. I don't know.

This seems really complicated.

[–] mathemachristian@hexbear.net 5 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

The channel where she livestreamed her self-immolation was called "lillyanarkitty" which feels relevant? Like she might not have been OUT-out but she wasn't really hiding it either.

[–] queermunist@lemmy.ml 6 points 6 hours ago* (last edited 6 hours ago)

I definitely used girl-coded screen names before I even admitted to myself that I was trans, and choosing to post under the name "Lilly" is important. But the final statement seems relevant too. "My name is Aaron" can't be ignored or forgotten.

But then again, looking at that final statement, there was the use of the phrase "I am an active duty member of the United States Air Force" instead of "airman". All the reporting says "airman" but, in those final words, that's not what was actually said.

Then there's the final post "Many of us like to ask ourselves “What would I do if I was alive during slavery? Or the Jim Crow South? Or apartheid? What would I do if my country was committing genocide?" What if the answer to that question is "remain closeted so my final political act remains focused on Palestine"? Was this a choice to be remembered as a made out of worry that anything else would be a distraction from the protest action? It's possible. Was the video posted under “lillyanarkitty” as a silent scream to not be remembered as just a man? Was it a non-binary choice, to be remembered as both Aaron and Lilly in their last moments?

I don't think I feel comfortable making any definitive choice. So, I avoid gendering as much as possible.