Green Lake and its sister Round Lake, are a pair of unique bodies of water located in the aboriginal territory of the Onandoga nation. This writeup will concern itself with Green Lake, but much of this information carries over to its sister.
The final remnants of a plunge pool formed during the last ice age by a glacial waterfall at least twice the size of Niagara Falls; Green Lake is situated in a gorge and fed entirely by rain and groundwater. As a result, it is one of the few meromictic lakes on earth.
So, okay, in general terms, lakes do this:
For the warmer months water organizes into distinct layers, each circulating in their own way. The warmest water, being the least dense, sits at the top. This is where the phytoplankton hang out, producing oxygen and consuming nutrients. The coldest water, being the most dense, sits at the bottom. This is where nutrients tend to accumulate and oxygen gets depleted by animal life. As summer turns to winter the top layers get colder and the water mixes as stratification breaks down, the same happens as winter turns back to summer. This process helps more evenly distribute oxygen and nutrients.
Ok so Green Lake doesn't do this.
The bottom of the lake is totally devoid of oxygen, so no decomposition; whatever falls down there, stays down there. The water is also very high in mineral content, which leaves layers of calcite deposits on anything that isn't moving. Moreover there is a layer of bacterially active water around 18-20 meters down that makes the water purple at that specific depth. Thanks to photosynthetic bacteria that deposit some of the minerals in the water, Green Lake is home to one of the few existing freshwater reefs.
I just think its neat.
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Sure, but it's not like been 2 weeks or 2 months of being sad and distressed and anxious, yeah? It's been 2 years. I really dont recall you once talking about something cute with your partner, something they did that made you feel loved or cherished, something they did that made you feel safe. I only know what you've posted of course, I suppose, but not once did you talk about doing something nice with them? What you've posted is mostly guilt and anxiety about feeling responsible for your partners reactions - which isnt responsibility. Have you ever heard of Issendai's sick systems? Here's a link and a different link. Hopefully none of that rings true.
I struggle to see what you get out of this besides avoiding the anxiety of being single, which is not a failure state. I had a very long term relationship, we were together for 11 years. The last 2 years were hard, they didnt clean, didnt take care of themself, didnt work, didnt make doctor's appointments or go to the ones I made, asked me to wake them earlier and were very mad when I did, and also did some stuff I wont elaborate on without a content warning. I loved them and I tried to work through it but love isn't enough sometimes. Being single after thay was an adjustment but it wasnt like bad - the relief was nice. For you, your main pain point seems to be your partner isnt attracted to your gender identity and you are a not cis - so the relief of just being yourself is likely to be quite good over the next x years of being in the closet and anxious and distressed all for... well again you never elaborate on what exactly is so worth all this so I cant say what you seem to find worth it besides feeling anxious about the possibility of being single.
Wow, first of all, thank you for not backing down on this. I needed to hear that. I will have to spend some time thinking about the sick system concept. In some ways, I think I'm the center of one, even though I don't mean to be. My partner has described a feeling of complete instability in our relationship, which lines up with the neverending crisis componenent. They have always been clear that they want me to succeed, and if that means I am trans, they want me to feel like I can express it fully. I've been whittling that part of me down because it is hard to face.
I'm not really scared of being single. At least, I don't think I am. My partner is financially dependent on me. It sounds wrong verbalizing this now, but I have been scared they will struggle without me. They are struggling because of me now though. I guess I know what I have to do. Thanks ๐