Group X, Altarpieces, Nos. 1
Esther Rose - Wanton Way of Loving
Boulevard Montmartre - Night by Camille Pissarro / La Vie en Rose - Louis Armstrong
Tracey Chapman - Fast Car
Elvis - If I Can Dream
Huangguoshu Waterfall
Pang Xunqin - 1940
Owl on a Pine Branch (1833)
Utagawa Hiroshige
Boston Cremes (1962) - Wayne Thiebaud
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SA
Since I can't afford a therapist, I'll say this on hexbear. Not that it helps tbh. I'm just lost.
I think I was SA'd by my father when I was a child. I have a memory if it, but I don't really trust my memories. It's not really implausible, since my parents definitely beat me a lot. And they still consider me to be their property. But still, I just find the idea horrifying. The memory should stay repressed.
Now, if the situation was true, then I guess it'd explain a lot of things about me. It'd explain why I am so reluctant to express affection for my parents. Why sexual interactions have always felt icky in a way. Why my kinks are so unhinged.
But then where does that leave me. Great, I can explain my behaviour better. Now what? Nothing about my life is fixed. I'm still a miserable sack of shit, hoping that I can get ADHD medicine someday and that it will fix my productivity so that I can train myself to be a better wage slave.
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I work with people, as a nurse not a therapist, who've gone through trauma (not just physically but emotionally, like assaults of the non sexual kind) and what I usually tell them when they ask about why they can't remember or if theyre unsure is "youre brain is protecting itself, if you dont remember thats probably for a good reason."What to do now that you have some idea that it might link to current behaviours? Well this is where you'd work with an actual therapist doing CBT or EMDR or whatever, figure out if you need to work through the memory or if its better buried, come to terms with it. Cause you might be right that this is why sexual intercourse has felt icky or your kinks are "unhinged" to you - but you've also put a lot of shame into both of those when there reallt needn't be any. You could just find (sexual) intimacy something you wanna share with someone you deeply trust, which is totally normal and the way Id frame it if it were the case. And your kinks aren't unhinged - dont put that value judgement on it, theyre just parts of you that you can express if you'd like. There's nothing wrong with masochism or submissiveness or whatever, there can be bad and unsafe and toxic ways of doing them but just as a part of yourself there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Beyond that, what you do about knowing is up to you. I think youre not serving yourself by not working on these feelings of shame and depression and obviously theres gatekeeping for things like ADHD meds so thats not on you. For now, pending revolution, you have to have income to live so a goal of earning money to be more independent and have a better quality of living is a totally fine and reasonable goal
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Thank for the response.
I know that I have put unnecessary shame into myself in regards to sexual things. If another person were to like what I like, I would feel nothing strange about it. But when it's my turn, my brain can't help but think something is wrong.
I also know that I should work on my feelings. Anything I try barely works. I don't know how to effectively process my feelings at all. I just keep falling back into a pit even if I leave it for a while.