I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that's what it's about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes???? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I'm a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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I have two friends who I think their eggs are cracking! Advice is welcome.
So I have 2 friends, one I spent the better part of this year helping with organizing and the other is my bestie's brother who I'm getting closer with.
First one, "M", started exploring enbyism around the same time as me. They changed their name and now go by they/them. Me, them, and a few others in our crew dropped the binary around the same time so earlier this year there was a lot of pronoun correcting among comrades going around. I think they are behind a few guerrilla boycott and other local agitating campaigns simply due to them inviting me to several popup groups on Facebook. I haven't directly asked them about it but the posting mannerisms are similar and they directly invited me and others from their friendlist to these groups. But recently they've been posting a lot more trans-progressive content than usual. M is an anarchist with a former self-education in Marxist theory with a focus on Black Liberation. One thing me and M kept telling our crew is that they all need to read and understand theory if the group is gonna be successful in our organizing. M is the only person in this group that I think is more read on theory than I am. We've had a bit of a strained relationship recently because M has manic episodes a lot and blew up at me over a Signal chat a while back while I was on suicide watch. I don't think they fully understood my situation so I have since forgave them and am even trying to get them a job at my employer. They recently posted a thing on FB:
and made the comment "The whys now happen a lot!"
My other friend, "C", is still going by he/him and is top contender for more depressed than me whenever we hang out and talk. We don't hang out that much. A few years ago, we both got way too drunk at the brewery and talked about super depressing stuff(avoiding cw here but you get it). Last weekend, we were at the bar with his brother(my bestie) and fiance. Bro and fiance left and my and C hung out for most of the rest of the night. After a few more beers, he started to open up a lot about how he was sad his best friend moved to another city. We talked more and he told me how he's just been spiraling. I figured it was from the usual friend moving, job sucking sort of thing. He then said he might tell me about it later. Well, later happened. He followed me home to make sure I got back safely and we talked in the parking lot a bit. We talked more about his spiraling and that was when he told me he doesn't feel like he is in the right body. He hasn't told anyone else this. I'm also starting to wonder if he had a long-lasting crush on his friend who moved. But that might be a question for another day. I'm just wondering what do do, if anything at all or just be supportive with what he chooses. My fear is that he chooses the path of "watching the TV glow" and remains unhappy with himself for the rest of his life. I did a mental health check with him on Monday and he seems to be doing better, but knowing him, this swing in his mood will happen again. Not sure what to say if he brings it up again. I did tell him I do support him in whatever he chooses.
You can't really crack anyone else's egg. You can support em, you can tell em "hey those thoughts sound a lot like what I used to think", but you can't really force em out. I met back up with someone whos doing everything eggy you can think of, making jokes about being an egg, going out en femme, but there's no real way to tell him "hey you're a woman." But I can do his hair, when he talks about wishing he was a girl I can say that I used to too (that felt like a little too much pressure but whatever), I can get nails done with him (black is neutral enough and enough boys do it anyway), etc. But he'll crack when he's ready to, and not a minute sooner. Also, there is legit a chance he's just cis+ and like just doing a questioning thing and maybe comes out the other side cis but very comfortable with femininity lol.
So for both, just being there for support is the route to go then. I think that was where my head was at when I wrote that.