this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2025
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I could use some help with this one folks.

So, im invited camping for several days. My friend p1 inviting me is transmasc, he and his boyfriend p2 (cis) are going. P1 invited another of his friends p3 (likely cis) who i dont know, and his gf p4 (likely cis) is coming along because shes connected to p3 (p1 has never met her). P1 also invited p5 and p6, both cis men. Im the only woman who was explicitly invited, and most likely the only trans woman to be there.

Im really worried and concerned that i will be degendered at first (ill show up with a clean face, done hair, all femme-y) but as my shadow shows up (were camping so i cant shave) and my hair gets fucked up i worry ill be treated as a guy (esp because im like 195cm). I dont think ill be explicitly misgendered, but that kinda makes it worse? Like, when people treat me as a guy without using explicit language it makes it harder to call out.

And this is where i want help... I dont even know how to quantify and qualify the way people degender me or treat me as a guy without misgendering me. And i cant bring this up without doing that for people (men especially) because they dont understand it on an intimate level. Like, every woman, trans or cis, that ive talked about this with has understood on an intuitive level what im talking about. The trans women really get it, and the cis women understand the social experience of being the only woman in a group of men. They dont ask for clarification, they dont demand i tell them exactly what the men are doing and why its bad, they dont require me to do emotional labor for them. Men in my life, cis or trans, tend to want that labor done for them. They dont understand. And when i call out specific behavior (e.g. saying that "hey man/dude" isnt gender neutral) they get defensive and i have to manage their emotions for them (or another woman does), and once theyve calmed down i have to explain why its wrong. And heaven forbid i mention that misandry doesnt exist, then they get really upset.

So, how do i even quantify and qualify the ways this happens? Its so subtle and i suck at subtext. To me its just a vibe, and telling men that their actions are degendering me or treating me as a man without laying out explicitly how they are doing that will only result in them getting angry at me and digging in their heels. How do i explain this to people?

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[–] lilypad@hexbear.net 4 points 6 months ago

Yeah... I feel like i could be very wrong and everything will be fine. But perhaps the more concerning part is that i feel like i cant have a direct dialog with p1 about any of this, like he will just shut everything down and get angry with me if i try to bring it up...