::: spoiler spoiler

Im proud of you for reaching out! And im glad it wasnt insulting/pretentious ^^

spoiler

Its really hard to reach out, especially when you feel responsible for hurting someone by pulling away, or really any feelings stemming from "i am bad/did bad thing" though processes.

I think you should reach out to her! She maybe was worried about you. But be prepared to selfcrit and eat crow yk? Being up front honest and vulnerable with people is so hard. I find success in vocalizing my shit feelings like "hey, im pretty anxious right now so im going to hang back for a minute" or "hey this venue is really overwhelming for me, so im gonna step outside where its less so".

spoiler hopefully this isnt insulting or pretentious, but if you want some help writing that letter...

Heya name,

I know we havent spoken in a long time, and I wanted to reach out and apologize for pulling away like I did. I was in a really bad space and wasnt treating myself or others with the respect and care i should have. I really enjoyed our friendship, and if youd like to get together and grab a cup of coffee i would love to catch up. I hope youre doing well, and that life is treating you with care.

Love and hugs, (or sincerely, or whatever sign off youd prefer)
LocalOaf

If you want to, you could maybe include a short bit about wanting to own your shit, be a good friend, and show up in your social relationships in a way that you didnt back when you were pulling away and self-isolating.

sad

spoiler Very very sad

Very very lonely

spoiler Want to talk so desperately

But cannot be vulnerable

spoiler People hurting hurts me

Im surrounded by hurt people

spoiler Im also a hurt person

I want to be taken care of

spoiler I want to take care of those im close to

I just want to be held

spoiler And told everything is ok.

Even if its just for a night, or even just a few minutes, I want to know that its ok.

spoiler I want to feel loved

I am loved

spoiler I just cant feel it.

I can never feel it.

spoiler I can love.

But no matter how much someone loves me, i can never feel it.

spoiler Im alienated from my self and my feelings of love.

Do i even love anymore?

spoiler or do i just chase ghosts?

I havent had friends last more than a year, maybe two.

spoiler Now im coming up on the time to leave again.

Everyone always leaves me

spoiler So i try to leave first.

I got close to them.

spoiler It was a mistake.

because now i dont want to leave.

spoiler but i have to.

its not safe to be close to people

spoiler its safest alone

but alone is lonely

spoiler i just cant find people who want to hear about my experience of life.

except i can

spoiler i just dont want to be close to them once they care about me

because it isnt safe anymore

spoiler i know its not real,

but everyone leaves

spoiler so i have to leave first.

That way i dont get hurt.

Goodnight

::: spoiler mental health, downer, ramble, reflection Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.

I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?

I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.

I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?

I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.

Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.

I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.

I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.

I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

hi, would you buzz me in? Im here for the platonic snuggle session

im forgetful...

Sometimes i forget that hexbear users arent exclusively trans people...

I think maybe your teacher just wanted to watch The Notebook

I think its post-dialectics

How do you argue with them? Genuinely, i could feel my brain seeping out my ears just perusing the comment section.

Also good work

Theres one person there whose actually making sense, and I think theyre a hexbear poster (its cowbee).

Uhhh yeah id like some materialism with a side of dialectics. But no Marx! If its Marx or his dialectical materialism, i send it back!

So my conception (at least, as it relates to me) is that they/them is fine, until you know my pronouns, at which point it becomes misgendering as I dont use they/them. I wont be upset with people for using they/them, but if someone only uses they/them for me even after knowing I use she/her i will be a bit upset.